Pink, I really feel for you. I would insist you are not going to pay another dime for anyone who treats you with disrespect. Is there any way you can separate finances so you are not paying for SS out of your pocket? That way if SS decides to spring graduate school on you DH will have to deal with the expense and will possibly decide he does not want to be so generous. This happened with my DH when I separated our finances.

So, create a burning platform to scorch this kids feet. He can either launch or burn.

We did this with SS-25 when he was 18. He could have gone to any university in the world that he got accepted to on our dime. I am actually very proud of him for having the maturity to stand his ground on our pressure to get his butt into college. After all of his Sr year of HS with us badgering him get his applications in, etc ... he finally sat us down and told us "I am not ready to study. I plan on going to college but if I go now it will be a waste of your money and my time." Though it was irritating when he told us I respected that he was mature enough to recognize his situation.

So, the deal was he could live at home at no cost as long as he had a full time job.... NOPE! He overstepped when he told us that he didn't want a job. Since Sofa Rodeo was not a viable career choice in our home we turned him into our beck-and-call boy/chore bitch. He graduated HS 3mos before he turned 18 so we kept him on our dime and let him sow his oats the summer after he graduated but on his 18th B-day.... we slapped him in the face with adulthood.

We worked that kid's butt off. So much so that 4mos after he turned 18 he enlisted in the USAF.

7 years later he is a Staff Sgt, has recently been stationed to Germany on a 3yr assignment, and has three more years to go on his second enlistment. He is getting closer to completing his BS in Computer Science and since he is committed to 10yrs he intends to do 20 and earn his USAF retirement before taking up a private sector career. With his USAF job will do well in the private sector after her retires.

So... light that platform on fire.... cut off the Parental/SParental gravy train and let the new college graduate either fly on his own or crash and burn. Either way... he will learn valuable life lessons.

IMHO of course.

Depends on what field he is in. Depends on if he worked in college or not and it depends on his willingness to do grunt work for a few years.

I have friends with Masters Degrees who still haven't found steady employment. The ones that have, their employment isn't enough to offset costs so they live at home. In fact, a good majority of them live at home.

I have one friend who went to school for teaching-top of her class all the way through and she ended up nannying for years out of school. Because she lived onsite for the family, she threw ALL of her money at her student loans and paid them off. However, now she has a job as a teacher making 42k per year and still can't seem to find an affordable place to live. She currently lives with our other married friend during the week and her mom's on the weekends.

I worked in my field all through college, started as a bus monitor and over the years gained enough experience to have "been in the field: for 10 years which makes my position attainable at 28. I got lucky that my parents made me support myself through college. Like I said many of my friends are still couch surfing working dead end jobs or went back to school thinking a higher degree would help only to wind up with more debt and the same amount of opportunities.

OH and my student loan payments are $550 a month for the next 40 years....so yeah. College.

I'm fairly young so I know a LOT of recent college grads. Most had jobs by graduation or within 6 months after. There were a few exceptions - kids who majored in something where jobs require an advanced degree, and they're trying to get a job in their field with just a bachelors degree; kids with a teaching degree (especially those who would be history/english teachers) who didn't have top GPAs, want to work in the suburbs and won't apply to inner city schools; and one or two who could have a job but are holding out for something "better." I know several recent grads who aren't necessarily working in their fields, but they have entry level jobs that pay the bills.

At least in my area, there are a lot of jobs out there. They're not well paying, and many don't require a college degree, but they'll pay some bills. I can't see any reason why a healthy 22 year old can't find a job, even if it's not in his field. And if he has opportunities in his field that he thinks are beneath him or don't pay enough, he should take them because it's always good to have experience, and it always seems easier to find a job when you have a job. Having a gap on the resume will not look good to future employers - someone who graduates from college and then doesn't work at all for months is going to look either lazy or like someone no one else wanted to hire. Maybe someone needs to drill this into your SS's head.

Dh should call up SS and say, hey buddy your student loans is pilling up, time for you to decide, either work and start paying off debt, or get bad credit at such a young age, but we will not be supporting you any longer, you are legally an adult and my responsibilities expired the day you turned 21...

How you are going to get DH to do this is a whole other issue lol... separate finances is the best option, and make sure DH pays his 50% of household, retirement and holiday fund before bailing out SS

I think you have already had very good advice from others so I won't repeat it - but just to say we are facing a similar problem. My SD23 graduated last summer, her degree totally paid for by DH (cost £60k) so she didn't even have any student loans. THEN decided she wanted to do a foundation course in drama school, 2 terms, cost a packet (DH didn't pay but did loan her £4k for living expenses).

She tried twice to get us to let her move in with us, but we haven't got room and I just don't want her here - so that is a flat "no". She is wanting to do a full drama degree - 3 more years - if she comes to DH for money she is going to go away empty handed. She wants to be a perpetual student, bankrolled of course by someone else.

Pink, I think you have a whole host of problems related to your SS and DH, and not all of it is simply related to him getting a job and launching.

First of all, sit down and do a rough calculation of how much of YOUR income went to supporting this kid over the years, either directly or indirectly. You said $100K was spent on his education. Was approximately 50% of that from your contribution to the "joint" effort?

If you add onto this sum the amount you've spent on other support I think you would be shocked at how much of your income went to this guy.

Then sit down and re-read your words about how SS implied you were a "c.nt" And how your work colleague saw it and had to point it out to you. That had to be humiliating. And how SS has treated others who have helped him over the years.

He is obviously hard-wired to be self-centered, sarcastic and entitled. That will not change, particularly because he has his father wrapped around his finger to be his advocate and ambassador no matter what he does.

To compound the problem, it appears your DH is, and has repeatedly, pointed at YOU as the problem since you won't go along for this ridiculous ride.

I find it highly suspicious that SS graduated in December and it was also during this same time frame that your checking account (which DH had oversight of) was compromised. He took money out of your joint savings to supposedly "fix" the problem and was also supposed to replace that money from his own funds, which he hasn't done. This is probably because:

Your DH is entirely committed to supporting his adult son however he can, including paying his phone bills and college loans. It is especially troubling because your DH promised you he would not do so. Thus, he may be starting to shift your finances around in a way that will ultimately allow him to support his son without having to explain anything to YOU about it.

This is a mere hint of things to come.

Seriously, Pink, you MUST MUST MUST start thinking about your own future, especially financially. Before you know it, your career and working years will be flying by and you may wind up with NOTHING to support you in retirement. You must also sit down and think about your relationship with DH and if it is truly making you happy.

No one knows what the future has in store for us. Ask yourself: If something happened (job loss, illness etc.) and you could not care for yourself, would your DH be willing AND able to provide support for YOU? If he had to choose to spend his money on his son or you, who would he prioritize?

Oh, and one more thing ... I would NOT let DH be the only one in charge of your finances anymore. You must take an active interest in your accounts and go over them with a fine-tooth comb each and every month.

If the bank made a mistake or if it,was.fraud. The bank should of replace the money. You should of not of taken the lost

Why wasn’t the money replace. First step to to look into

Oh Lordy do I feel your pain. DH is paying off a parent loan for SS who didn't even complete a degree. At least SS is working and he's agreed to take on the last of the expenses we've been covering (car insurance). That was at my insistence. SS is 31. Let's see if that actually happens without me "reminding." Who is betting that he'll take care of this expense? Anyone? Hello?

There's nothing you can do about your SS. But you do have a DH problem. Does he have a plan for allowing SS to launch? Yes, DH is holding him back by not making SS accountable for his own life. DH (and you) provided a great education for him. Now it's time he enter the world of adults and not mooch off his parents, gain some self respect and confidence. You might approach DH with that logic so that at least there is a PLAN and not empty promises of "being on his own." SS needs to actually BE on his own. Provide some motivation to get there.

And the best way to find a job is to HAVE a job. Any job. I'm sure your SS has heard that but is also just sure it doesn't apply to him.

Entry level professional jobs are fairly easy to access so DQ may not be necessary for your NCG SS. 

I think the problem is that many NCGs have delusions of grandeur on the unicorn of the 6 figure starting salary job that many colleges/universities/academics claim are out there.  Yes, they exist. But they are far from common and for most.... the path up the ladder starts with the first rung.

My mom tells a story about a conversation she had with a number of ladies in the salon when she was getting ready to travel to my and my younger brother's undergraduate graduation ceremony. The ladies were all trading kid graduation stories and my mom who was a later arrival chimed in that she was leaving that night to travel to our graduation. Many of the ladies then started in on how graduation didn't remove kids from the parental payroll because of a variety of reasons.  My mom commented that both my brother and I had already accepted engineering positions with a good company.  We did not go to a top tier engineering school by any means. Many of the ladies mom was with at the salon had kids who had attended top tier schools but studied non-marketable majors.  Their kids were waiting tables and trying to get into grad school while my brother and I had a position with a Fortune 100 or better company, were already accepted to grad school and the company was paying for it. However, at far less than the mythical unicorn of the 6 figure starting salary.

I think the difference is that my parents kept their collective size 15 up our backsides while the other salon ladies were catering to their special spawn.  Mom and dad also kept our sails deflated and in line with what the reality of starting a career really meant from an income perspective.

It took my oldest six months to find a job in his field after graduation. However, he did continue to work twenty hours a week at the job he held while in school and worked another part time job. My youngest worked part time during college and started his full time job the week after graduation. 

Both of mine were told that we'd pay for a degree that had a reasonable expectation of a job when finished. What that is though may not be obvious. Oldest had a friend who majored in archeology. He had three offers to choose from before graduation.