Lost It - Just Threw My Husband Out

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You guys might remember me from a few weeks ago when I was about to lose it because my step son wanted to come stay with us over the holidays after losing his holiday job and wanting to go work for a "start up" unpaid with a $40 commute each day. Given he has no income and my husband is currently unemployed, I went a little sideways.

That being said, much of that time I was traveling for business so while I demanded that my home be child-free on the (4) days that I was home I looked the other way for whatever happened in the meantime.

The issue at hand has been that my husband had (tacitly or otherwise) committed that he would pay for his son's college education. That was after committing to me that he wouldn't. Before you guys throw the "bitch" card... my husband hasn't saved a penny for either his child's education or his own retirement (he's 47) and though I planned on contributing to the (adult) child's education that was before he was a vast prick to me in his teenage years. Despite that, I still helped his Dad when he needed money, paid WAY more than my share of the bills, recognized child's birthdays, holidays, bought plane tickets for graduation, vacations (his, not ours), etc.

I wasn't happy when I learned about the education "commitment" at all. Since then, my husband has lost his job and made "one last payment" in December towards Spring semester (instead of paying the mortgage). Last night/this morning, it came up that he intends to spend the last of his unemployment checks on tuition (the kid goes to a pricey school with mediocre grades... A's in Artsy Classes and C/C- grades in everything else). Meanwhile, I get to make up the difference out of my savings account.

I told him to get his shit and get out. He took my older car (which he doesn't own) and took off for his brother's house. I am seriously considering:

1) Reporting my car stolen
2) Changing the locks on the house
3) Listing "STUPID SUGARMAMA" on my footer
4) Filing for divorce (though pretty certain it would screw me right now since he's unemployed)

HELP.

Well, I thought it was

Well, I thought it was related to the holidays but it appears he has barely been looking at all.

{{{{Hugs}}}} My heart goes

{{{{Hugs}}}}
My heart goes out to you. It's terrible to realize you are not the top priority of your spouse. You need to look out for yourself & take care of your business.

Glad to see you had the guts

Glad to see you had the guts to get these two leeches out of your life.

See a lawyer immediately for at least a legal separation. Change your locks. Tell DH he has one hour to bring your car back or he will be charged with auto theft. Empty your bank accounts, start your own small checking account, place most of the money into savings and designate the beneficiary in the name of a charity. If the house was your prior to the marriage, and he contributed zilch to it, this will be considered in the divorce settlement - a certain amount can be applied as what DH would have been paying as 'rent'.

Most importantly, see a counselor and take care of yourself emotionally. (((HUGS)))

Accounts (again) empty and

Accounts (again) empty and credit cards canceled. I also forwarded their mail to my husband's brother's house.

Have a party, boys!

You folks have to love

You folks have to love this... I forwarded them from the USPS notice around forward their mail and my husbands response was "messing with other people's mail is a Federal Offense".

Forwarding mail from my own address to a family members address with my own credit card? REALLY?

My response was "I'm sorry? Is that not where your are staying? I was merely trying to be helpful?"

Are you f**cking kidding me?

Your husband's actions would

Your husband's actions would make me just as mad. I do not have much practical advice, other than to say, take care of yourself; your DH and his son are adults and will have to figure it out. You do not owe them anything. Allowing them to use and financially abuse YOU you are committing a crime against yourself.

I had a chat with my DH recently when he tried to weakly defend my OSD's indefensible actions where she announced she was not going to pay for her education, but we had to. DH mumbled something like, But is everyone who paid for his kid's college a bad guy? I said, Everyone who lied to his wife about not having any intentions to do so is a very bad guy in my book. If your DH plans on raising a parasite he needs to do it alone. You are not interested. Sayonara! It is not a sustainable arrangement where you work and the two of them do not.

I'm totally all about saving

I'm totally all about saving a marriage commitment to the nth degree but it seems apparent he has chosen to support his adult kids over your marriage. He probably is really depressed. You need to decide if you want to stay in the marriage, help him, and probably get screwed more, or take care of you. The ladies are spot on if you choose to walk away. Protect yourself immediately, like right now. I'm so sorry

And, the groveling

And, the groveling begins...

Good morning,
I hope you slept ok with the snow and wind coming. Hopefully with a rested mind and some space we can find a way to get through this. With snow coming please stay in and keep the heat on and stay warm. I think this storm will bring a LOT of snow. Please don't drive.
You may not think it, but I do care and love you and want the best for you. Let's plan to talk later today and see if we can't find a path through this.

Love
XXXXX

Unless the path is to help

Unless the path is to help with common bills, I would let him stay on the couch "path".

Why waste your time talking

Why waste your time talking to him? Tell him all future communications will be through your attorney. Good luck.

Awwww, he feels BAD for being

Awwww, he feels BAD for being an ASS along with an adult child? TFB! Keep your right mind on your shoulders. You know what will happen. It's not worth it to babysit two adults and support them financially. I have an "artsy" SD19 who is getting grades like your SS at an honors college. I tell YSD that art will not get you a job unless you're really talented and go for it. Skids think sitting around coloring in between the lines will land them a job. Math and science and COMMON SENSE will land you a good job. Sounds like your DH and SS need to get off of their asses.

Don't give in.

~ Moon

I hate to tell you but if he

I hate to tell you but if he has no money, you may end up paying him support. I've been down this road. But still, do all u can to protect yourself.

I am sorry for what you are

I am sorry for what you are going thru. With that said, you do need to protect yourself but be careful with how you go about it. In my state, if one spouse leaves the home, legally you can not change locks for 18 months (if his name Is on the deed or lease). You also cannot drain the account in my state but can withdrawal half the money since its marital property. You will still need to keep an accounting of where every penny is spent with receipts or you can end up in more trouble for hiding assets even if you are not. The only way the money is not a marital asset is if it was gifted to you or an inheritance If you have always kept that money separate, then it is not a marital asset.
Just saying, this is how it is in my state and neighboring states. I've been down the road with DH before were divorce talks were on the table and I thoroughly looked it up. Even if you have a private or secret account, it still has to be reported. Contact a lawyer. You do have a better chance of maintaining the home, the one who stays has better luck with it. You will probably end up paying support and if a court order states your DH must pay a portion of college, the court will consider that his obligation/debt. Even if you pay support, unless you are in one of the state's that look at spouses who don't work as lifetime dependents, it would be worth it in the long run and probably a lot cheaper on you then what you are shelling out now. IMO, you've already taken the first step to sanity. DH will try to pull a lot of stupid stunts to make you look bad or like your doing illegal things but try not to engage and get a lawyer.