Is Counseling Gonna Work?
Yesterday was our second counseling session. My DH, who said he didn't care to go, used up the entire hour.
At the first counseling session he said SS22 wasn't gonna be leaving the house for another whole year. Well, I thought upon graduating from college (June2011) he's be gone. So after counseling I asked DH why SS is gonna be hanging around until next FALL? He blew up saying I wanted to throw the kid out, blah, blah, blah!!!
The truth is, SS isn't a bad kid, but he's 22!!! He has two cars, he's a full time student, a part time job, a girlfriend who spends the weekends in his room (that REALLY CHAPS MY HIDE) and he does nothing in this house. MY POSITION IS: I DO NOT WANT TO SUPPORT A 22 YEAR OLD MAN LIVING IN MY HOUSE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!! AND I DO NOT WANT A TENANT!!
So after the argument last week, DH finally talks to SS and tells SS he needs to start saving money to set up his own pad. The deal was to give DH $1000 and then 15% of his check each time he gets paid. DH would put the money aside for when he's to move. This conversation happened last week; SS has yet to give the money!!
So when the counselor asked what's been happening, this topic came up. FINALLY, someone supported my point of view. The counselor told DH to have a talk with SS about when he's moving out and have SS commit to a plan. DH said, "He's gonna think I'm throwing him out!" To which counselor said, "You are, but it's not unheard of for a parent to have this conversation with an adult child."
But DH says, what if he doesn't find a job right after college. SS22 has a job - a pretty good part time job that leaves him good money.
DH just keeps making excuses. During counseling DH and I started arguing and the counselor just sat there listening. She was shocked. I hate arguing with DH b/c he doesn't make any sense and ends up getting more mad b/c he knows he doesn't have an argument.
So our next step is to learn how to argue. Counselor says if we continue the way we are, we're not gonna make it. She's right! Some days I wonder just how much I love DH. She wants us to learn how to argue in a win-win fashion.
HAS ANYONE HEARD OF WIN-WIN ARGUING? If so, I'd appreciate your insights.
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Comments
Yes there is such a thing as
Yes there is such a thing as win-win conflict resolution. Look up conflict and negotiation or effective communications. I’m in college full-time….I was exposed to this in communications and organizational behavior….there’s tons of information on the web about it.
What about going to mediation?
Yes, in my readings and
Yes, in my readings and counseling I have heard of "learning how to argue effectively" which I guess is what this is. Basically, you discuss the topic with out blame, name calling and all of the "other" stuff that is irrelevant or hurtful to gain leverage.
There is a book, "When Mars and Venus Collide" that explains it VERY well.
But that is my understanding of it.
I know about conflict
I know about conflict resolution tactics (compromise, collaboration and so on). I guess I'll see about getting the book listed Freedom suggested.
The problem with DH is that his first reaction is to fly off the handle. So if he raises his voice, I feel like I have to do the same thing because I don't want to take a "submissive" woman role. I feel like if I don't defend myself, he's gonna walk all over me and I don't want to be his puppet.
On two different occasions, he's flared up an argument, only to later realize that I had a valid point. I want to be able to discuss things without an argument b/c it makes me see him in a totally different light! I feel like walking away!! And I know that's not good.
Maybe I need to let him do his hooting and hollering and then let him come back crawling. Hmmmm....
The problem with DH is that
The problem with DH is that his first reaction is to fly off the handle
Oooo - that's so like my H. Last weekend he forgot his house keys so we were locked out. He busted down the door and then spent the next 1/2 hr or so repairing the door and replacing the lock. All with a lot of sweat and cussing thrown in. [Now I've replaced doorknobs and never cussed once during the process.]
I mentioned that he needed to learn how to enjoy life instead of getting frustrated so easily. He started yelling. I bit my tongue, kept my cool and waited for him to be done. Then I said, "Thank you for proving my point. You got all bent out of shape because I said you needed to enjoy life more. Who gets upset when someone tells them to enjoy life????"
It seems like every negative emotion he has (sadness, frustration, hopelessness, confusion) comes out as anger.
It's called "fair fighting".
It's called "fair fighting". Something that is indeed hard to do at times. No name calling, screaming, bringing up everything including the kitchen sink, etc-but sticking to the issue at hand-using "I" statements-talking about how you are feeling vs making "you" statements. such as "you are always a pain in the ass!"-not a productive statement even if it is true sometimes.
If he screams at you-I would just remain calm. I always try and say, "We can talk about this later after we both have had time to think about it and calm down" (even if I am not the one worked up)-usually that statment alone will get my dh to settle down enough to where we can begin to talk.
I know if I fire back at him-we both start a yelling match. But if I sit there calmly dh begins to realize he sounds like an idiot and is able to get it into check pretty quickly.
I also agree with the above
I also agree with the above poster-your counselor probably wasn't shocked. As a counselor myself it would take something pretty tremendous to shock me-I've seen and heard it all. I do sometimes (especially in the early sessions)let my cts argue just to observe what their pattern is and how they have been trying to settle conflicts.
Yeah, she just sat there and
Yeah, she just sat there and watched/listened. I hate to argue like that. I didn't do it in my prior marriage and I don't want to get accustomed to dealing with things that way.
I especially hate that DH doesn't mind if the skids hear us fight. I don't like them to be exposed to it anymore than I would like my own boys exposed to it.
Well, I'm gonna give it a shot, but if things don't get better, I have a plan B ready to go.
I totally feel for you Lisa.
I totally feel for you Lisa.
I grew up in a family where, if you had an issue or you were upset, you talked about the problems. H waits until he gets mad enough and explodes about his problems. There is no calm, rational discussion. He also doesn't realize that it doesn't do any good to bottle it up and not express it as it "leaks" out in other ways.
I have tried and tried, like you, to no avail. My Plan B is already in motion...
What are you planning to do?
What are you planning to do? are you leaving?
I wish I can buy my own home and just live alone. I guess I could if I really wanted to, but I'm afraid of being alone. Don't ask me why! I'm a pretty smart chick and I know can hold my own. I'm just a push over and I need to work on doing what I want.
Idk some days I'm fine where I am, other days I fantasize about my own place closer to my boys.