Having trouble with my partners son that keeps coming home every wekend from the army
Hi everyone im new to this but here goes, i have been with my current partner for about 6yrs now ,it is her house but i go half with everything on the house front i.e mortgage bills etc,i love her to bits but not her son, he is 21 yrs old and joined the army 9 mths ago, and i thought great time to ourselves now but oh how wrong was i. He seems to want to come how nearly every weekend even though he has been posted 250 miles away, when he is home he offers no contribution to his stay as he thinks because the army take rent and food money from him he should pay twice, also when he is home he cant be bothered to go out, his mum does all his washing ironing etc, he is not very respectful, i also have a 14 yr old daughter who visits me every other weekend, and this causes friction too she is an innocent party in this when i mention about her son, my partner comes back at my daughter who is at no fault as she comes to me as part of my visitation rights,i just just think her son is big enough and old enough to make his own way now what am i to do i work hard i pay my way , i pay for my daughter and love my partner but i cant cope with her son keep coming home for a freebie every time, is it a case of two adults clashing in the same household of what we have nothing in common he does not want to see his dad because they clash too, sometimes i just feel like leaving it all we are meant to be going through the buying of another house which i thought was going to be for us we are both in our late 40's i just feel it will never be just us am i being selfish or not, i thought most army lads go out with each other at weekends in the local towns
Your wife has rights to
Your wife has rights to have her son visit just as much as you do with your daughter. Her son does not have a permanent home yet but hopefully once he its done in the army he will get his own place. be happy her is not living there full-time playing video games and smoking pot.
It's her son and she has
It's her son and she has every right to have him there. Would it be ok with you if he was younger? How about your daughter visiting every weekend when she is in college? That will be ok with you I am sure. I think your problem is more that it is your skid and not your bio.
ETA: You say that you love your partner to bits but not her son. That is the problem, you don't like her son. Perhaps he knows you don't like him. You don't mention how long you have been together but if that was his home before you came on the scene he may feel that you and your daughter are the ones that are intruding.
Well that's your opinion so
Well that's your opinion so when we buy a home together is it still his home then, my parents home is not mine and I ask before i visit, and I am not disrespectful to my parents, also i had a stepfather and had no issues what so ever, maybe you need a reality check children do grow up you now and become adults themselves, and make their own way in life
While I do agree with what
While I do agree with what everyone is saying about the right for your wife to see her son as you see your daughter, there is one area no one is really addressing that I believe IS a valid point: Yes, he can and will come and visit his mom just like his daughter visits him BUT no, it is not right for the son to treat him disrespectfully in his own home! (I think we all agree that we won't put up with that crap in our OWN home from the skids, I certainly won't anymore and call them out on it!) While visiting, the son needs to remember he is a guest now visiting for the weekend and needs to treat him with at least courtesy and respect or some sort of civility (and the mother needs to push that!) and vice versa, Ry needs to make sure his daughter is doing the exactsame to Ry's wife!
As a step parent, sometimes you just have to suck unpleasant situations up. Disengage or whatever to help improve your sanity. But there does need to be some sort of respect and civility at least as a household rule.
Dtzyblnd, I think you make a
Dtzyblnd,
I think you make a VERY valid point as well! Respect is a two way thing, though with the sound of the guy not getting on with his own father either is what really raised the flag for me that prompted my first response of "respect and civility"...Perhaps civility alone is the better route than? (maybe??) They don't have to like each other, just have a mutual understanding that they treat each other in a civil manner during visits?? idk! LOL!
I'm completely with you on the reading of the whole "my kid can visit but her's can't" reading. It's just not realistic and part of one of those things that need to be "sucked up" so to speak. It's not a fair expectation at all.
SS21 needs to get his own
SS21 needs to get his own life and start cutting the apron strings. I could see a once a month visit, but every weekend at his age is a bit much, since he lives quite far away. I think that's the real problem. There's no balance regarding SS' visits. It's every weekend, or almost every weekend according to OP and SS doesn't do anything else? He needs to get his own friends and his own girlfriend, etc. The worry I would have is that he's using his mother as an emotional crutch to avoid having to get his own life. His behavior does not seem age appropriate. If he didn't come home all the time, I don't think there would be an issue of him paying rent.
Maybe I should have been a
Maybe I should have been a bit more clearer, I have no issues with him coming home now and then as he is a young adult now and he needs to spread his wings, he is a homely boy, who has been mothered, since I have been with my partner, over 6yrs now my main problem is the lack of respect when he is home to me and his mother, he had a girlfriend and didn't want to know us, and he upset his mother a few times, but because she loves him, she forgives and he knows it, he moans how boring it is in the army, he will not be deployed for at least 4yrs as he has enrolled as geotech which are not combat unit, as for my daughter, she visits once fortnightly for a couple of days, it was more but as she is getting older I see her a bit less now, she. Is not a bad girl just quiet, she doesn't ask to come over, she asks, says please and thank you my partner does not like her because, she is quiet and foes not speak up and proberly because I don't like her son, as for the house we are meant to be buying a house between us so where would i stand then, PS her son doesn't visit any other family members so it is not a visit home to visit family it is to get away from the army???????
another thing her son has
another thing her son has always spent a lot of time indoors when he was younger not going out with friends in just thought joining the army he would spend more time out at the weekends do young people not do these things anymore, I left home when I was 18 and to be honest I loved it freedom no one telling me what to do etc I think the ss problem is he can't let go
Just noticed all these
Just noticed all these replies are from woman, and only one of them can see my argument thank you thank you onefootout I just think I'm onto a loser as a mothers love for their sons is unconditional as is a fathers love for their daughter, so I need a few stepfather comments here too
My younger brothers were both
My younger brothers were both in the military. My mother came of age during Vietnam where her brother and my father served. My father never came home. My uncle did. My mother would have loved my two younger brothers to come home every weekend while they were in the military. The youngest is actually a career service man. My mother is terrified that my brothers will be shipped out and die. Their father who also served in Vietnam feels the same. They may die and they want to spend every waking second of leave they had with them. If they were stationed close to home instead of thousands of miles away my parents would have them home every weekend. It has nothing to do with them being unable to let go and everything to do with loving their kids/parents.
You don't like your stepson. I am willing to bet if it were your daughter you would be fine with it. I agree with Dtzy, you need to quit projecting how you were on your SS. I used to do that with my SS9. He was very immature and acted much younger than he really was. My four year old was more mature and could do more things than this kid. His father would constantly point out that SS was not like me when I was his age. You need to realize this.
I think an ADULT child
I think an ADULT child visiting EVERY weekend is ridiculous.
And in no way would I compare it to a minor child coming EOW for visitation. apples and oranges.
Thanks for your views, we are
Thanks for your views, we are going to have a talk with him as he turned up this week without even warning us also we are moving to a smaller house with one bedroom less so he will have no choice if he doesn't agree to less time back home and let go of home visits so often I will have his key, he needs to be bonding with his army mates now or he will end up very lonely