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Great Girlfriend but LOSER 21 YO Son!

BigJOB's picture

OK, here it goes - I have an awesome girlfriend whom I love tremendously. She has three kids: 21(M), 20(F), and 16(M). She is from Atlanta and all three grew up in the suburbs of ATL. Meanwhile, I have three girls. I am originally from NYC and the my kids, although suburban as well, are more closely connected to NYC or DC (depending on age). There is a difference in perspective between my 13yo and her kids, but all in all, everyone seems to get along OK. But I absolutely have a passionate hatred for the eldest son. I mean, he is an intolerable
Loser! My girlfriend got pregnant young and had her first born boy almost immediately after HS. Afterwhich she had a daughter before her HS boyfriend turned husband fizzled out. Typical young love gone sour - no hard feelings. Anyway, she worked extremely hard as a single mom and achieved enormous success in our career trade (within which we met). Because she felt bad about having children are so young, she admits that she spoiled them in later years, especially her first born. Her younger son was with a second marriage and that kid is awesome (the dad is an excellent father and I respect him for helping raise a solid young man). Anyway, her 21 year old has recently moved back in with us and the kid is a useless sod. I mean, absolutely useless and his mom - the woman I love - helps him stay useless. He will not clean a dish. He will take out the garbage. He waits for her to cook for him. He has no job and is seeking no job. He sits around playing video games all day, drinks at night, and repeats this pathetic pattern. More galling to me is that, at 21, fresh out of the Marines, I could not wait to live life and conquer the world. When I was a teenager, my mom had my brother and I clean the dishes, take out the trash, and even prepare meals. Now I have this 21 year old slugo (soon to be 22) that simply takes up space and is annoyingly useless. My girlfriend sees it, but does NOTHING about it. She makes it worse by contributing to his sycophanty. Recently this loser of a kid will say something to his mommy and I will get chided by HER - name the topic! I am now running out of patience. Everything about her I love - even her 20 year old daughter (who is a spunky kid that contributes to the home) and her 16 year old. But this leach has entered our once happy home and I am miserable! I have been honest about my feelings and I get that he is her son - but my expectations of a ten or fifteen year old versus a 21 year old are very different. I have had it! I cannot stay in this house one more second while dotting mommy allows one of the characters from Step Brothers to coexist with me under the same roof. I will come home from a 12 hour day at work and find trash everywhere, McDonald's bags, and dishes in the sink, and he is still in his pajamas playing World of Warcraft. Am I missing something?! If anyone has advice, please Lord, share it. I love her, but I am at my limit. We will not see next Christmas at this rate (after 3) and I must say, I think that's what he wants.

Rags's picture

Okay Marine... first... thanks for your service. Now, why in the #*@* are you tolerating this crap? You know what to do, so do it. Put him out ... NOW!!! No discussion other than to inform your partner that her toxic spawn is gone, purge the problem from your home.

If mommy makes the wrong decision as far as supporting you.... purge her too.

onthefence2's picture

I can't believe whatever gaming device he's using hasn't mysteriously disappeared on your way to work in the morning.

BigJOB's picture

Well, we own our place together, so living separately was not an option. He is out now. But to answer your question, I started by first complaining to the mom (GF), hoping she would correct the behavior. For instance, I would come home and dishes are in the sink. basic request: put them in the dishwasher. So, I would ask, please ask him to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Instead of confronting him, she would go downstairs and clean his dishes for him. Similarly, if he warmed up food and blew it up in a microwave, he would just leave the mess. Again, I just wanted him to clean up the mess. Instead, after work, GF would clean up his mess. Finally, I began direct engagement - nicely, but firmly - "Hey, please put your dishes in the dishwasher..." or "Hey, you spilled juice all over the floor, clean it up..." Instead of cleaning up after himself, he would complain to my GF that I was being overly demanding of him. She would come back at me, something to the effect, "Hey, you have children, you know they make messes on occasion... you shouldn't be so hard." Now, I have kids and that is true. But I have different expectations for a 21 YO than a 4 YO.

The final straw was borrowing my car (without my permission) and causing $2200 in damages and my GF actually arguing with me that 'maybe the damage was there before he borrowed the car."

That was it for me. That was what I was dealing with.

BigJOB's picture

It was supposed to be temporary and since I have a great relationship with the other kids, why not. Plus, I had not seen that side of the ss's personality during visits. I thought he was lazy, but not THAT lazy. I also never saw the incredibly spoiled part or manipulation of the mom before he moved in. He is out now.

still learning's picture

This happened with ss30 who was only going to stay for a couple of nights. Two weeks later he was still laying on the couch, staying up all night and smoking pot several times a day. DH did nothing to curb his behavior. ss30 would tell me what he wanted me to get him from the store, how he liked his food, what he didn't like about my decorating and housekeeping. My teen boys were vaccumming around him and doing his dishes. Needless to say I'd had enough. I told DH that I married him not his (loser) son. I put down my foot and told DH that he had to go. I was accused of "turning poor ss30 out" "making him homeless" "hating ss30" and on and on. DH took ss30 and dropped him off at his sisters house.

I was given the official title of wicked sm and I wore it proudly! A few weeks later DH actually let it slip that he was happy ss30 was out of his house.

Advice? Make ss21 man up, he's an ex marine for god's sake. Give mommy a deadline for him to be out and be firm about it.

BigJOB's picture

Hey All,

Thank you for your support and contributions. He is out - Thank the Lord! Now, hopefully he will grow up and we will get back to normal.

notasm3's picture

This is why I NEVER let SS30 (early 20s when I met him) spend even one night in our home - even when we were at our second home for months and the first home was sitting there empty.

I've let him be homeless. Not my problem. I was not the stupid ahole who had sex with no protection (referring to BOTH BM AND DH) that produced this disgusting crotch dropping. I refuse to pick up anyone else's sh** - (well except for my cute doggie that I love).