Another opinion - Adult stepchild moves back in
I have sadly inherited two step children who are quite damaged individuals.i have been in their lives since they were 13 and 15 - now 21 and 23. Their mother has borderline personality disorder and subsequently was never nurturing and was quite cruel psychologically to both kids. As a result my step son turned to computer games as a way to escape and cope. He recently decided that he would quit his job and just move in with us. No consultation, just expected to move in...He struggles with his mental health, has terrible anxiety and has very limited living skills. I also think he has some narcissistic traits. Since moving in he has played computer games for anything up to 13 hours a day and became quite upset after he was asked to contribute. My dilemma is that part of me feels like I need to be the lovingly mother that he never had and support him but the other part knows that at nearly 24 I have very little ability to change the damage that has already been done. I am constantly challenged because he has none of the values that I would have instilled - he’s rude and disrespectful, inconsiderate and has openly said he thinks he’s smarter than most people. So I know he’s like this largely because of his Mum which is why he’s been able to get away with so much. His dad basically doesn’t want to see it and feels guilty that he’s so damaged..so it feels like it’s me doing the parenting. When pushed my husband will put his foot down. I am completely over it now and just need some advice...
Why would you and your
Why would you and your husband allow him to move in with you? This is just enabling him. He had no business quitting his job, expecting to be supported by you and his father.
If he thinks he's so smart, he should have no problem getting another job and getting the hell out of your home.
Skid knew that he could quit
Skid knew that he could quit his job, move home and resume his former teenage lifestyle. Because of guilt his father allows it and you are expected to go along with it as well. Since DH is insisting that skid stay then it should be on certain conditions:
Here are a few to start,
SS33 did the same thing a few years back, quit his job, moved in w/DH and I, gamed all night and smoked pot, slept all day. It was a ridiculous miserable stretch of time. I saw no end in sight and told DH that ss had to leave the house when he left for work and had to stay out job hunting until DH was off. Guess how long that lasted? One day and then ss found someone new to sponge off.
There are times family needs help and when they need it help if you can. This situation though is pure enabling and making ss regress rather than progress as a grown man.
This kid
Will never move out, unless you force him. Do you want him another twenty to fourth years. Playing video games , not being able to go out by yourself, or vacations. You did not make this kid, Tell DH he has thirty days to move out, rent him an apartment, pay the first two month rent. And he’s gone
You seem like a compassionate
You seem like a compassionate person, but don't let your good heart lead you to further enable this man. Yes, he's been poorly parented and inherited some unfortunate genes, but many people overcome much worse every day.
He sounds like a gaming addict, so making him leave the house each morning to look for work is a good idea. Hold him (and his father) accountable for his employment and household contributions, and establish deadlines for the goals of finding a job and moving out. Stand your ground!
How long will
It would of course be best if your DH was on the same page with you and would work to get his son motivated and on his feet. That does not seem likely given what you said. So....I am assuming he plays his video games online. How long will he stay if you do not have internet? If you are not tech savvy, find a friend to help or hire someone to assist you and make your internet frustratingly unreliable to the point where he is unable to maintain his video game addiction. He will be out faster than roaches chased by a can of Raid.
Nope. The residence of adult
Nope. The residence of adult Shawn, regardless of biology, requires unanimous agreement of both partners.
Play your veto.
Thanks
Appreciate the comments everyone...perhaps not the comment about my partner being a loser! But understand that may be how things appear with not a lot of info. What we’ve done already:
- a timeline (first week of October) for when he needs to move out
- cut off the internet
- I’ve been waking him at 7.30am each morning and since that time he’s managed to secure a job
What I failed to mention (which adds complexity) to the situation is that my stepson is “gender fluid” so doesn’t really feel understood or that he fits in anywhere. He has no friends/connections because he struggles to relate. He’s also been suicidal and is incredibly sensitive to criticism because that’s all his Mum does. Despite my complaints we have a good relationship and I can speak frankly and openly with him...and he acknowledges the issues. My challenge is probably myself (if I’m honest) and my sense of responsibility to protect him and provide him with a consistent environment where he can dispel his perception that everyone is bad. I get the idea of “enabling” and it’s a fine line for me. I’m beginning to understand that there is very little I can change for him now and perhaps it’s a bit about me letting that idea go.
You cannot
care more than the biological parents in that it will come back to bite you. You will be the mean eeeeevvvviiiiilll ogre SM. No appreciation for your efforts will ever be shown. I'm old fashioned so I believe a lot of this gender fluidity nowadays is just another grasp at victimology. ANYTHING to avoid being responsible and supporting oneself...which ironically is the BEST medicine for almost everything...self esteem heightens, you name it.
Loser
I think that if you go back and read the comments again that you'll see that the "loser" being referred to is your stepson
You wrote, he’s rude and
You wrote, he’s rude and disrespectful, inconsiderate and has openly said he thinks he’s smarter than most people. I also think he has some narcissistic traits.
Sounds like it's his own fault that he has no friends and he can't blame it all on not being understood because he is "gender fluid". He sounds like a jerk.
There are plenty of gender
There are plenty of gender fluid/transgender/gay/bi/pansexual, and whatever other sexualities people have concocted these days people out there for your SS to connect with. It's a huge community, he should be able to find friends and resources online. I missed if you said he was in therapy? If not....he needs therapy, stat!!
Also, it would be one thing if he were struggling and also being a nice person, but that's not the case. He is rude and being a jerk. There's no excuse for that, so don't feel guilty for anything. You seem like you have gone above and beyond what he even deserves.
Good for you guys for giving him a timeline and making him get a job!
Regardless of the catch
Regardless of the catch phrase of the moment regarding your SS's gender .... he has to navigate life and there is no better time than now. His gender "fluidity" is irrelevent to his asshole personality and irrelevent to his residence in your home. Of much of anything else for that matter.
My SS-26, though not of a fluid state of gender, came out to his mom and I when he was 20. That had no bearing on his adult choices in navigating his life as an autonomous adult. It also changed nothing regarding his mom and I having raised him to be a viable adult and to own his life. It made no difference in our love for him. It is just a fact for him and for us that has no bearing on how we parent him, how we love him, how we expect him to own his life or in how he lives all areas of his life. He is a man of character, service and he treats people no differently as an out gay man than he did before he came out.
Your SS not making connections because he "struggles to relate" is a BS excuse. The things you have shared regarding his personality and how he treats people are who he has no friends or connections. His "gender fluidity" has nothing to do with anything IMHO. Neither does his deflecting technique of his stated perception that everyone is bad. I call BS when this kind of crap occurs with people in my life. Their feelings, perceptions, connections, blah, blah, blah.... is nothing but smoke and mirrors. What matters is behaviors. Do they treat others well, are they self sufficient, are they respectful, etc....
Confront his behaviors and his actions will change. Apply escalating unpleasant consequences and his behaviors will change in a hurry.
So, boot his ass and stick to the burning platform plan you and DH have already established.
i feel sorry for the children
i feel sorry for the children due to the crazy narc mother (my skids have a narc mother) but oh h#ll no about them moving back in. this will cause too much chaos to have two crazy children under your roof. what happened to me was simple. the skids were each kicked out of the house by narc bm when they turned adult and they all came to live with me and dh. rather than being thankful to their father and his wife for giving them a place to stay and NOT pay rent while they went to college, they all banded together and demanded their father divorce me.
as your ss is addicted to games this can only get worse. make sure your dh is not enabling him and will get the boy into counseling on the condition that he go to counseling, grows up or must leave the house. period.