You are perfectly justified in banning someone who threatened you and your 'D'H is being a jerkwad.

So 'D'H can have SS over when you're not there. What happens if you come home early? Will SS be expected to immediately leave? Doubtful.

This may be your hill to die on.

Stick to your guns.

My SD may not come to my house and it's such a relief knowing I never have to leave again for her.

Handling it with your husband is another problem. If you know of someone he detests or doesn't trust, ask how he'd feel if you struck up a relationship with that person and wanted to host them. Tell him if SS can't respect you, why SHOULD you have him in your home? Yes, it's your husband's home too, and it's your husband's choice to have a relationship with him, but you don't have to go along for that ride.

Be honest: tell him you don't love his son the way he does (obviously), so it's going to be harder for you to forgive his son and his son will have to try harder to win you over because there is no love to grease the way. 

Here's the thing. You need to make it clear this is a line that won't be crossed. Don't ask how your husband would feel if you don't go to the birthday party. Decide you won't go and tell him why. Don't give any illusion that this is a minor thing that you'll just get over. When your husband understands how resolved you are to never seeing SS again if SS can't make this right, there will be fewer of these arguments because the ball will be right where it belongs: in SS's court.

You are not wrong. Your home is your sanctuary and safe place. Although both you and your H live there, anyone threatening the peace of either of you should not be allowed.

Your passive H caused this situation by burying his head, disregarding your unhappiness, and ignoring his loser son's unacceptable behavior. His consequence is having to see his son elsewhere. 

It's only been a short time since his son moved out, so feelings are pretty raw all around at the moment and your H is still trying to force you to bow to the dysfunction.

You really need to change things up, be more assertive, and make your H fear you more than his adult kids. Stand firm, and don't let him win this power struggle. If you create a new norm of zero tolerance for manipulation and bull___t, one of two things will happen: your marriage will recalibrate to one of mutual respect, or your H will choose his kids over you. Either way, you won't be subjected to bottomfeeders and enabling daaddees.

Toughen up. Stand tall in your bi!ch boots - but also prepare an exit strategy and get your ducks in a row in case your H proves too sick to change.

You are not wrong.

If it was just a matter of you not liking him, it would be different and him being there when you are not, would not be a big deal. But given the history, his total disrespect, him being threatening... no, he doesn't need to be in the home, period.

If your husband had any respect for you, he would understand this.

SS. Still wants to move back into your home.   If you give him a inch. You know the rest of that story.  YES, DH also wants SS to move back into your home.   You can’t give a inch.  So he going to his GS BD party. You have a day off 

I understand your feelings completely. My H's daughter and I no longer talk and after her disrespectful behavior towards me the last few times she is not allowed in our home again. He understands this and I think your H should have your back on that. Don't expect an apology from your SS because you may never get it so try to let that go. As far as him being in your home when you're not there...... that's crossing a fine line because your home is your safehaven and he violated that when he overstepped his boundaries with you.

Your H can go and have a relationship with him all he wants but to allow that negative energy back into your home......I'd protect it at all cost.

Definitely a hill to die on for me!

"Am I wrong to not want him there when I'm not home?"  NO.  As ALL of the other posters have brought up,  SS physically threatened you.  Your DH should be told that SS was lucky he wasn't arrested.  You don't need an apology from SS.  Do you really care if you see his sorry a$$ again?  So he isn't the problem anymore - the problem is your DH. 

I put up with SD's obnoxious behavior for over 20 years before her meltdown, where she and her husband were screaming at me and SD had her fat finger in my face.  DH ran out the door to avoid showing any support for me.  I later told DH he had a choice of working on the marriage or leaving.  I also told him SD was not allowed in our home until he could tell her in front of me that she was to respect me as his wife - it was non-negotiable.  I've not seen SD in over 8 years and it's fine with me.  I don't bring her up in conversation and if DH mentions her I change the subject.  He can visit her just about whenever he wants - just not here.

As others have suggested, stand your ground.  Period.

My OSD is not allowed in my home (I am not allowed in hers either). DH has never asked if she could come here when I am not here. He already knows the answer.  In the back of my mind, if he ever asks if OSD can come here when I is not here, my response is going to be "sure, when I can go to her house when she is not there."  In other words, NO.

Your home is your safe space. You don't need that negative energy in your home anyway.  There are plenty of other places your DH and SS can meet.

When SS cocked his fist at you DH should have knocked his ass out. 

That DH did nothing makes them both write offs IMHO.

If I or my brother had ever bowed up on our father’s wife we would be fertilizer.  That dad’s wife is our mom would make no difference to the fatal outcome of that choice.

Take care of you.

When the concern is about your self-respect and esteem, there is no question of being right or wrong. Your SS seriously needs some behavioral lessons and that too from your 'DH'. Be firm in your shoes.