Can false accusations really go anywhere?
Today Dudebug got sick at camp. DH picked him up and called BM to say that since I am home for the summer, they are working, and its one of our days with him anyway, he would be dropping the Dudebug off with me at home to be provided care. She blew up at him and said I am not allowed to be alone with her child since I have mistreated him. DH and she got into a screaming match on the phone with Dudebug there in the car. Dudebug said, "She doesn't mistreat me, she's nice to me!" BM said that if DH leaves Dudebug with me she'll get a deputy and come to the house to get him.
DH called and said if she is going to institute her "First right of refusal" in letting me provide child care, that BM is the one who will be inconvenienced. He took Dudebug to her work and told her that if she is going to refuse the child care he makes available so will he. She is no longer allowed to leave Dudebug with babysitters, big half-sisters, or BMs father or her boyfriend. BM will just have to take time off work.
So here I am, again the focus of her venom and for what?! I have never laid a hand on this child. She says I mistreat him! The last time she said this was two years ago July 4th (see my first blog). If she really thought I abuse him and if she's really a good mother, she should have taken serious and immediate action. All she's doing is making false accusations when it serves her purposes to get us all worked up about her.
I feel like I need to protect myself. What if a year from now she does file charges? I need to take the first step, but what do I do? DH said we can't really afford to take it to court right now unless it is unavoidable. I suggested a GAL but he is so scared of the "court getting involved with our life...they never leave". So here I am getting my name dragged through the mud. I'm a teacher, what if she can threaten my job with these accusations? What if she twists her son until he changes is story to her version? I want this stopped.
She can't file charges ...
Only police can file charges.
She can, however, lodge a complaint with the Department of Children and Families (or whatever it's called in your state), which a person there would investigate and either drop or look into further.
The allegations would have to be pretty severe and backed up by some type of evidence, however, in order for DCF to find the complaint was sustained and take further action.
The poor boy would have to be interviewed -- really, she'd be hurting her kid more than you.
My answer to you on whether this can go further -- and the reason you probably got few answers on this one -- is that it all depends. It depends on how sick this woman is, unfortunately, and how far she's willing to take this.
1) Can your DH have a heart-to-heart with the BM and tell her in no uncertain terms that this must stop? Will she agree? Can he put it to her that this is slander, and you will have to take legal action if she doesn't cease the slander?
2) Certainly you have a case for slander if she's disseminating false accusations against you. You would have to show defamation and possibly harm, though -- loss of a job, loss of reputation in town, whatever. If she publishes the info -- on Facebook, in a flier, whatever -- you have more of a case for libel, beyond the she-said-she-said of slander. Again, you have to been hurt in some way. I am not a lawyer; these are just thoughts.
3) Speaking of lawyers, they're expensive and promise you the moon before you go in. Then, well, all of us SMs know what happens ...
Certainly this must stop. Certainly your DH should tell her that if you can't watch the child, neither can anbody from her side. That might make her think about having to take time off from work all of the time. And it might make her more open to discussing the matter with DH.
It's utterly ridiculous that you have to live with this hanging over your head. DH must decide if he's going to tackle the issue, or if you must go to court. But you really can't let it go on, because it's a constant worry, I'm sure!
Thank you. You're right
It is a constant worry. I knew that there was a likelihood of her being nutty when I started dating him, but this is uncalled for. I don't like fearing for my job. All it takes is a call to the child abuse hotline and teachers get smacked hard.
DH says she likes to blow up, make a lot of noise and get attention, but not really do anything. I don't want to live like this. DH would rather yank her leash with the no more 3rd parties thing but not go to court. I told him that I am seeking an attorney because his focus should be on doing what is right for him and his son, period. I am the one who has to protect myself.
I was thinking that a strongly worded letter from my attorney admonishing her about these allegations and potential legal action would at least show her that I won't take it like a doormat. From all the stories I've heard (too many for my taste) I don't think anyone in her past has ever really stood up to her.
Maybe it's time
to take that action. It'll cost hundreds, though. At least you'd have it on the record that you know what she's doing, you've warned her, and that the allegations aren't founded. That would give you some evidence to give the small claims judge if you seek remedy through the courts.
Bunch of bunk.
Don't let anyone use the legal system to scare you when you've done nothing wrong. Who's going to testify that you did anything to this kid?
OK - she does. You deny it. End of story.
What I would do is let the mother and father sort it out. Support your spouse but he's the front man here. Just don't take physical custody - that is be alone with the kid - and be done with it. Don't worry about what the mother says about you. Everyone knows she has a drum to beat. Your best defense in the court of public opinion is silence. Just a mild word of contemp such as "tch" if anyone bring it up is enough. She's not even worth spending a second of your time.
You can't save everyone. Don't waste your time where you are powerless and have already gotten caught in the crossfire. You can't help.
Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
1697 by William Congreve - English
In The Mourning Bride
Often misquoted as Shakespears'
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.