she should NOT dictate what happens in YOUR house.. if he continues to let her get away with this, it will only get worse, and more demanding..
the bm in our situation tried that at the beginning...we followed along with her for about 6 months and decided we couldnt/wouldnt do it any longer it was way to much of an inconvience. I was good enough to cook and clean and pick up after them and buy them things but not good enough to watch them.. dont think so...
in our situation she yelled screamed called the cops etc just to be told that there was nothing she could do about it.. in mediation (for something else) this was brought up again and she was pretty much told to get over it as long as they were well taken care of it was our house.. plus the idiot left the boys with her new husband and his family....and we didnt see a problem with that...
I'd go with what works for YOUR family.. she will have to get over it and learn to deal with it.... the sooner she learns she cannot run your house as well, the better of it will be!!!

right up until it inconvienanced her. I was not allowed to care for the kids (ahhhh, to have those days again) until she needed someone to come pick them up so she could go on vacation. DH was working and evil old me was the only one available. I told her I would be happy to help but I understood how she felt about leaving the kids alone with me. She said that she was fine with it and I never heard about it again.

I know it's insulting but step back and think about it. Do you really want to be with your step kid alone. Once you open that floodgate you can't close it. Careful because a year from now you may be kicking yourself and wondering why did you ever want this. Before I married my DH his ex would not let me alone with the kids and I acutally confronted her on this because it really irked me. Once we got married she couldn't do anything about it but now I wish I had never gone there because I realized I don't like babysitting.

I didn't see far enough in advance... when I gave my EH (the bioDad) "first right of refusal" in the custody agreement. This means that if my son cannot be in my care, I must give his dad the first option of taking him before seeking alternate care. Unfortunately, there was no stipulation in their regarding any future stepdad. Fast forward a few years and now that I'm remarried, legally, if I want to leave my son at home with his stepdad while I work or have to be away for more than a quick run to the store, I can't without first offering my EH the opportunity to watch him. So, my EH can basically dictate when our son is allowed to stay with his stepdad. Fun! Fun!

here. But then once she realized that I was a free babysitter, it was not a problem. A simple warning, if you have not offered to step up and volunteer to watch the kids alone, DO NOT DO SO. It is a can of worms I wish I never opened. SD is a nightmare when she is with me and goes back to being "adorable" when her dad is back from work. Say you dont feel comfy watching them or anything to get out of it !

Skid to her care. Who knows what stupid shit she did since she dropped the kid off for visitation?

Two can play that game. Your home with your husband and his time with his kid. BM, regardless of how toothless and ignorant she is, cannot dictate what occurs in your home regardless of if the Skid is there or not, regardless of if Dad is there or not.

I would bare her stupid ass publicly, aggressively, brutally and frequently until she looses interest in being stupid.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Clearly your husband has the right to do anything a father would normally do when the child is with him and that includes leaving the kid with a responsible adult.

Now is this worth fight over? If so he'll win the battle but at what cost? His wife retaliates by not letting the kid go for an extra week when you wnat to take a holiday? Or whatever.

Make sure the goal is worth climbing the hill.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

At my home this vicious cycle has been going on for years. BM dictates that I can't take care of my sd's. I believe I certainly can pass a stepparent background considering i am in Law Enforcement,but I still am not good enough. DH says if he does anything about she wont allow him to see the girls. She has done it plenty of times before. The courts don't do shit about it. when she needs something....forget about it. The hardest part for me is when DH on occasion will ask me do something for him regarding the sd's. ex last weekend we had sd's with us, when BM called on Saturday to talk to them. She found out where we were showed up and took them. because DH doesn't want to cause a scene in public, he let her take them. Well Yesturday DH calls me and asks if I could take SD's soocer stuff to her because he couldn't and BM was working also. I just hate telling him no, but it pisses me off. I don't know how to handle it. My hands are tied because if I do anything she will call the cops and I get in trouble. She is not worth it. Sometimes makes me think if the whole situtaion is worth it???

You cannot walk in fear. Yes, you have to be cognizant that she may try to be spiteful and make accusations. But if you are being appropriate and acting within your spouses rights, the fact is she can't do anything. You need to start keeping a journal, and make sure you keep all communications with her incase she does make accusations. Also talk with a lawyer. See what the law says. Then operate under that law. Fact is if you operate within the law, all she can do is make threats. A bully will push until you push back.

Further, you need to speak with your spouse and let him know how it makes you feel when he capitulates to her demands ALWAYS. I am guessing (based on my own experience) that it makes you feel less important in his life than you actually are. He has to find the balance. He chose to disolve his relationship with this mom. This is part of the consequence. He dissolved his marriage most likely because they couldn't make each other happy, and perhaps because they made each other miserable. Everytime he caputilates to her will, without regard to how it affects those in his life, he is choosing to allow her to continue to make him miserable, not to mention those around him. They might as well still be married! Guilt is a powerful mode for most divorced parents. Don't let him be victim to that. In the end it hurts him, you and the kids. Be a united front.

My husband and I still walk this. I have found that often, when he is complying with her demands, he is doing so out of guilt, fear or habit. We have been through hell, but I have to say, after pointing it out to him, everytime, he has begun to make changes. He is FINALLY realizing that she Doesn't have all the control. He is still their parent. And he does everything he can for them. He chooses to remember that when she makes demands and tries to make him feel like a bad dad. It is simply a matter or reinserting steel into his spine. A little at a time. And LOTS of patience and understanding on your part. Don't be afraid to call him on stuff though!

I hate to even throw this out there because it will cause a lot of worry and SOME of your bm's may not be as downright psychotic as my ex's ex.... A HUGE PART OF WHY WE DIVORCED WAS BECAUSE OF THIS....

BM did not me left alone with my skids.... she took us to court and the judge laughed in her face.... she tried to get her divorce thrown out so she could revamp the parenting plan.... the judge laughed in her face..... THEN THE REAL TROUBLE BEGAN....

BM accused me of beating my then 2-year-old SS, she pumped him and he told CPS and the police (where BM physically took him) and he told both agencies that I hurt him.... we went to court and restrictions were put in place against me..... BUT THAT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH....

BM then made my SD (then 8 years old) accuse my BS (then 10 years old) of "touching her innappropriately".... in fact my 8-year-old SD's exact words were "he rubbed my vagina in a circular motion".... although the forensic psychologist, CPS and the police department eventually cleared my son the damage was done.... my son was not allowed to come home while my skids were in our care.... I just couldn't do it anymore.... attack me all you want.... but this sick bitch attacked my little boy....

SO in our case bm successfully came between ex-dh and I.... (not that she was the only issue mind you.... ex-dh did not defend my son or try to clear his name....) The past is the past and I'm over it and happy to be far away from that situation.... now am dating a great guy who has 3 kids but knows how to stand up for himself and even me when it comes to bm or anything else.... what a change....

Hate to scare all of you with what 'could' happen.... but it happened to me....

That BM did not WANT me left alone with my skids... BUT we didn't care and there was nothing she could do about it.... UNTIL she started making accusations.... some people have no limit....

She can try to dictate if you let her. But, unless there is some standing order that you cannot have contact with DH's son, screw her. Sorry if that is so blunt. If the tables were turned and DH had an issue with who she had SS around, she would probably pull the "don't tell me what to do in my house" card. The BM in our situtation tries to do this all the time. Unless, she can prove that you are unfit to be around her son, there's not much she can do but complain.
Oh, and a side note, I am sure you are a good person but not all teachers are fit. Please don't be offended. The BM in our situation, is a teacher and she has done nothing but cause emotional harm and put the kids in dangerous situations more than once. She likes to throw that "I know everything about kids b/c I am a teacher" line all the time to my DH. To which I have thought, well I worked with neglected/abused kids and know when I see kids being victimized. Nevertheless, I do value good teachers, but feel sorry for her students.

Lot's of good answers here and I didn't get to read them all but for now, I am behind "tow the line"

I concur with Cruella. My DH's ex is a controller, and she has tried stuff in the past, but she has quickly learned that I don't work that way, and now neither does her ex/my DH. She controlled him for 15 years and now we stand together united when needed, and it PISSES her off, hehehehehe Don't let her have that power.

i can see sd's bm trying this down the road. my bf works out of town and even though his visitation schedule says pick up time is 6pm bm is always trying to figure out exactly what time he is leaving town on his sundays because if it's one minute earlier than six she wants to pick sd up because "she can have her back anytime my bf isn't with her." like if my bf has to leave at 5pm instead of 6 bm HAS to know about it because God forbid sd stay with me that extra hour.

BM is just being jealous and spiteful. I'd talk to a lawyer and see what they say (if you can). BM tried pulling that with me and I told her to eat sh**t. Take me to court!!! It would cost her a pile of money and she'd have to prove me unfit. She had better be squeeky clean and have background checks and squeeky clean babysitters. Or else she looks like the hag that she is, wasting court time. Bm backed down....

ABSOLUTELY NOT! This is a text book behavior that she is exhibiting because she is threatened by you and the possibility of your becoming close to her birth child/children. She has an inferiority complex about her child/children liking you more than her, favoring YOU more than HER. I agree with it being a rational fear (I have seen it in my step children's Mother for years, but I can put myself in her shoes and still see where it comes from)
I am not condoning it though... You HAVE TO assert yourself! You HAVE TO start with being flexible and reasonable and if those aren't of any help to you than you are dealing with an unreasonable and even threatened BM. If this is the case then you make sure that the Father deals with her! Make sure HE does ALL of the communicating with her (rational or not) it is HIS place to defend you and deal with her, she is HIS past and the Mother of his child/children. But... You make no mistake, the house YOU live in... YOUR HOUSE... Is YOURS!
You assert yourself and YOU determine what is and is not your business and what is or is not appropriate by talking things out and communicating with DH.

It is ALL about CONTROL!... Make no mistake What you allow will only continue. Keep the kid(s) out of it (even if SHE is low enough to drag them in at times) always make your decisions (no matter how hard) on what is best for the emotional well-being of the kids.