Wow I thought I was the only one!
This is my first post and a very sensitive topic for me, so please be patient, I may skip around a lot:)
Me and my DH have been married for about 4 years, but I have known my SD two years prior. For me and SD it was instant love. She was 2 1/2 and her BM was very inconsistent in her life. SD was living with BGP and BM came and went as she pleased.
Flashback: My DH and the ex were not the best couple and after a bad argument and a fist to her windsheild (and a whole lot of evil doing by the BGP) my DH lost custody of the little one.
Back to Present: Right before we got married, he was awarded full custody of the little one. BM was given visitation under DH authority. She has always been inconsistent at best.
Now with the present problem: BM has not seen SD since March 07 and the things I have heard about her life are kind of disgusting. With all of this said, I do not have enough time to fill in the gap b/t then and now, I am looking to adopt SD.
I have a 2 year old BD and one on the way and my relationship with my 8 year old SD is as strong as ever...she is my daughter!
I am so scared of doing something wrong or hurting my SD somehow. I have read these posts untill my eyes hurt or untill my eyes were filled with too many tears and still feel as though no matter what, she may one day be taken from me for no reason.
I am a loving person and try to be compassionate to even the most dispicable of people, but this is so hard. Any advice would be appreciated.
I sure hope it works out for you.
I don't know anything really about the adoption thing, I can only dream of that one day for me with SD. Not because I want to eliminate her relationship with BM and her family, though they are disfuctional, but for the same reason you said, because I love her so very much I want more than anything to be able to keep her safe and secure with us.
I thought I heard somewhere that after so many months of no contact at all it is considered abandonment. Maybe that would play a role. Have you consulted an attorney about your desire to adopt? I would be terrified too, because at least with our BM, she seems to go on with her life and willingly leave the responsibility of SD to me, until we want to make it legal, then she gets defensive and now we're in a nasty, expensive custody battle.
I think if I were you, and I really decided to go for it and start whatever the process may be, I would try what I could to get concrete evidence of the things I have heard about her life. I mean, with our BM, she didn't start trying to correct the illegal, or just questionable behavoir until DH started bringing it to her attention though the courts. Get what you can now, before you take the leap, because if you wait until she finds out what you want she may do the sudden BM clean up act and try to get the bestest mommy award or something.
And I was wondering, does she pay or owe you guys child support. I'm afraid it sounds aweful, kinda like blackmail, but I would kinda think if she owed a lot, the thought of being in the clear to sign her name and give responsibility to you may be appealing. I think my aunt did that with my cousin and his dad. My cousin is now 21 and he still calls his Biodad and sees him when he wants. I do think that there should be a checklist for parents, and if so many of the boxes are checked against them, and there is a proven loving person willing to take the responsibility for helping the child become a good person, it should be automatic adoption.
I wish you luck. I feel the same way about my SD, she is my daughter. and congratulations on your 2yr old and pregnancy. I am pregnant now for the first time, and feel so blessed to have SD with us so much now and to share this pregnancy and introduction of SD's little brother or sister with her. She is such a blessing to me.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-
Thank you
Thank you for the kind words and advice. To answer some of your questions....
We are setting up an appointment with our lawyer next week and we will discuss the specifics of abandonment. Yet somehow I think it will not be that simple.
On her lifestyle, I know that if I am going to bring it to court it better be concrete evidence and I am working on trying to get witnesses for that one.
As for child support, my husband never asked for it. We feel like she would never pay it anyway and her money isn't worth the crap we would probably have to go through anyway.
She is not an evil person, just very dumb. I am not talking sarcastic dumb....dictionary dumb. This can be just as bad as someone who is evil.
I have my hopes, but I am also a realist. Knowing where she comes from and her crazy family, it will not be smooth or short. But, if the lawyer thinks we have a chance, I believe we will go for it.
Congradulations on your pregnancy...it really has brought my family together and I hope it will do the same for you.
Same here
When my daughter was 3, her SM attacked me and assault charges were filed. During that time, I contacted an attorney to have her father's parental rights taken away but had terrible counsel. I was about four months in with absolutely no contact from him when he received the court papers petitioning his rights be stripped. His parents paid for an excellent attorney, and my petition was blocked and her father wound up with even more visitation than he had before with the evil woman who beat me in my daughter's presence in the first place.
Six months with no contact and CS constitutes abandonment. Check it out in your state. I wish I had.