What should I do?
I have been married for 9 years to a man who has a child that had been in residential care from age 5 to 13. At age 13 the residential care facility wanted to release him but his mother didn't want him so he moved in with us.
His son is 17 yo now. He still pays his ex wife child support even though the child is living with us. She also still has full physical custody. My husband refuses to go to court to legally have physical custody and child support switched to him. He has very little money to give me for bills because he spends it on expensive toys his son wants. His son quit school a year ago and refuses to get a job. He instead decided to commit felonies by breaking and entering and damaging private property while he sneaks out every night to go meet up with other juvenile delinquents he calls his "friends". He is on probation, but consistantly breaks the rules of his probation. Then my husband lies to the police to cover for him.
I told my husband that if his son does not go back to school or get a job he cannot live in my house any longer. So now my husband is packing his and his sons stuff to go move in with his dad.
I do not have any children of my own. I tried to be a step parent to his son but he tells me I am too strict and not to talk to him. So here's my question,
Is this normal?
He tells me I don't understand because I don't have children I don't understand unconditional love. I didn't think unconditional love meant you could never say no to someone.
Any advice out there?
My advice is this:
My advice is this:
Send juvenile delinquent SS and his enabling daddy on their merry way.
At least he's packed his and his son's possessions and is on the way out. Lock the door after he goes (literally and figuratively) and don't look back!
Change the locks immediately
Change the locks immediately in case your ss decides to pay you a visit in your absence to pick up a few choice items that he could sell.
Also
Rejoice that you have finally gotten rid of this millstone. He threw money at his ex-wife and son but never had enough to pay his share in the home? Wow. You should have kicked him out years ago. Protects his criminal of a son from the police by lying to them? One of these days that will catch up with him and it won't be pretty.
Enjoy your newfound freedom! Does the house belong to you or is it a rental?
Do not blink first
So if your husband's response to his wife's perfectly and if May say so generous request is to pack his bags then he is not a husband. I bet he is banking on you blinking first. Do.not.blink.first. He and his criminal son have had a free ride so going to his dad's is not what he wants. He is banking on you backing down and living in this awful situation. While he continues to fund his ex's lifestyle.
what is in this for you?
please, stand your ground. Don't even give ultimatums like the son needs to get a job. He won't.
as sad as it may feel right now, close the door behind them. File for divorce and live your best life.
x
I'm guessing you have been
I'm guessing you have been carrying the load in your home financially and otherwise for many years. For him to make that kind of move.. and to refuse to discuss the issues leads me to believe he has been a user for a long time.
Yes.. change the locks and file for divorce.. quickly.
In Agreement With Everyone
Let him leave...have a locksmith on standby.....once he finishes the job....get to your attorney. 17 is not a child. He's nearing adulthood. And his enabling father has let him quit school, commit crimes and whatever else with zero consquences. You are wise to let this man leave with his son; it'e easy to predict this situation's future. That man-child of his will be in jail.
We can't enable bad behaviors and call it love. (from Lysa Terkeurst's book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes).
No, not normal - your DH's
No, not normal - your DH's parenting and telling you that you don't understand just because you don't have kids of your own is a load of bullsh&t.
It sounds like DH is guilt-parenting and trying to be his son's buddy rather than his father. I don't know any normal bio parent who would be okay with this type of behavior from their kids. And the more your DH sweeps the behavior under the rug and buys his son whatever he wants, the longer this behavior will continue. It is not normal to set your kid up for failure in life, yet, that is exactly what your DH is doing.
Let them move and be someone else's problem. This issue will not change unless your DH recognizes that HE is the problem and needs to step up and parent his son. I highly doubt your DH will change his sh&tty parenting. Your DH tells you "you don't understand..." blahblahblah as means of excusing his sh&tty parenting. My parents loved me and my siblings unconditionally but would NEVER have tolerated this behavior. Period.
Kick them out, send them on their way and move on with your life. If I were you, I wouldn't waste any more of my time or money on these two pieces of trash.
Not normal and change those
Not normal and change those locks because he will try to get back in that door and bring his deliquent with him.
Advice:
Have a party. Change the locks. Get thee to a lawyer.
Let them move out. File for
Let them move out. File for divorce. Say good riddance. None of this is normal.
Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of
toxicity.
Nor does it include aiding and abbeting a criminal by providing false aibies for their parole office check ins.
Nope.
Put his ass in prison where he belongs and if daddy wants to express his unconditional love for his criminal spawn, he can serve the sentence for the spawn.
It is good that you called your DH on this and that he and the criminal lare moving out. Call a lock smith, re-key the locks, and get on with your life. This failed man is not worthy of you.
smh
Not normal.
Not normal.
Sorry you waited so long to come here.
DO NOT LOOK back.