Well I used to be active a few years ago on this site but I left my SO so I wasn't that active any longer.  He manipulated me into going back, unfortunately due to some toxic parenting etc in my own life I was a damn good target and fell into the web.  

I started working with a coach/psychotherapist recently as I have developed depression, debilitating anxiety and being enraged all the time. I stopped sticking up for myself la long time ago.  I used to be confident, funny social and love life.  I'm so sad that I have endured this for so long.

I even got engaged to him...I know, please don't beat me up, I do that enough on a daily basis.

We have been together for 9 years total minus a hiatus back in 2015-16; he has a 12 yr old son, the BM and SO co-parent well, she is not a psycho or anything like that,  we actually get along just fine.  

This is my current situation: Lately the kid has been acting all sneaky and like he was totally doing something he should not be doing, he has been lying (and caught) several times but they keep giving him the benefit of the doubt - no favors being done there, being easy on him will not help him.    The other night my SO checked his backpack after several days of not wanting to be the sneaky parent type - I say screw that if he is giving you reason then heck yes look, if you find something you can nip it in the bud. I do not condone violating privacy however, he gave numerous reasons to think something bad was afoot.  The SO thinks if he disciplines him then the kid will hate him - um welcome to parenthood, your kid is 12 he is on the verge of hating you for a while regardless.

So back to the bag, the kid had pot, a lighter and a pipe and who knows what else.  They are not sure how to discipline him and if it should be an easier punishment since it "wasn't" his and some girl gave it to him.  I'm a hard ass - it's yours if it's in your possession, he had every chance to say no I don't want to be involved, or even I don't want to carry it - and frankly it's obvious this was not "oh let me try a hit", this is ""I plan on doing that again"" he had a pipe for godsakes.  He has a good chance at sports scholarships and talks about college sports etc. If he continues down this path, he can kiss that goodbye.  He has been heading toward the dark side for a while, but no one believed me when I said it a year ago!  He is inside for at least today - really, one day?! They are all talking about his feelings.  I'm like he is lucky the cops didn't catch him, he'd be waking up in a detention center and how bout your sports life would be over if a coach found it, etc.  I'm sorry but his feelings? WTH  Get him into counseling and give him consequences for lying, sneaking and committing a crime.  He is 12, not 16 - he needs to be scared first, feelings later.  That's how every good parent I know and have seen go through this stuff handled it. The SO said I could have a say but I really don't want to.  I'm all about being selfish and working on me now - let them handle it because even if I do put my 2 cents in, it won't matter so why bother. 

I want to leave, I just don't want to deal with this crap or raising a kid - being a parent sucks IMO too high of a price with not much return on your investment - and I have , huge mistake to get involved with a man w/ a kid HUGE!  I feel so trapped.  I want ME back!!!   I am not close to the kid, we are just neutral with each other.  I really have no issue leaving the kid, I feel no attachment to him.  I think I had to be so diligent when the SO tried to force motherhood on me that I just detached completely.  I'm so mad at myself for being here AGAIN but when I start to detach from the SO it's like he has radar and starts gaslighting, playing the guilt trip etc. I always get sucked back in but this it is easier since I started coaching to be stronger and am hoping to continue getting stronger.  

I guess I just needed to vent, maybe I am a horrible person for leaving after this long. IDK.

For anyone newly in a relationship with kids - if you are here looking for answers - THIS IS YOUR SIGN!  Get out now. I regret everyday that I didn't leave sooner.  

Thank you for reading.