Unreasonable ?
Quick over view In a relationship with a foreign national (nearly two years), 5 year old step daughter, father still on the scene (complete A hole) lots of stress due to step child issues...
WE have been speaking about children in the future (the distant future a few years at least), one thing I asked her was if we had a child that they speak English to them until they are at school and at that point we can introduce them to a new language. This is to allow me to get all the first words etc as I would not be as overjoyed if it were in a different language, this was agreed and we went on our merry way.
We got a dog and to trial this we decided to speak to the dog in only English my SD can do it but her mother keeps slipping we have had the dog for about 4 months now, she slipped this morning as she had done before but this time she did not even react so for her it was totally normal. This said to me she is speaking to the dog in her own native tongue when I am not in the house, I asked this question and silence so this confirmed. If it to me if she can not do this with a dog how will she ever be able to do this with a baby.
Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to not want to miss my child's first word in my own language (we live in an English speaking country btw and she is fluent) also to not want my child to be disadvantaged going to school because their English is not up to the level it should be. Is it also unreasonable to not want my child to have conversations in front of me in a different language that I will not understand? I already deal with this with my SD and I hate it but I deal with it as the child is still learning English.
The whole thing has made me question if I want to have kids with this woman...
I think you are absolutely
I think you are absolutely being unreasonable. I can sort of see your reasoning behind what you are asking of your wife, but ultimately it is totally unreasonable to ask that of your wife. It sounds to me like you are perhaps looking for an excuse not to have kids? It also sounds to me like you could be a control freak. If you are so concerned about your child speaking english, then why are you married to a foreign national? She has rights, too. It is entirely possible to learn two languages from birth. The fact that you referred to your wife as "this woman" tells me that you don't really see her as an equal partner in your marriage.
To sum up...this is the epitome of unreasonable.
I can see your side of
I can see your side of things, but I'm concerned you speak about your wife as "this woman" as well as the poster above. It indicates to me that you're not coming from a loving environment or you may have deeper feelings of resentment that stretch beyond language issues.
I would absolutely want my child to speak MY language but if I married someone who spoke differently, would want the child to also know his/her other parent's language as well. So, yes, I understand your thoughts on this topic.
Babies are like sponges and experts say that teaching a child to be bi-lingual is easier done early in life. I don't see why your child couldn't learn both languages?
Its just my mannerisms I am
Its just my mannerisms I am not using them in a derogatory manner.
So you believe in am being unreasonable to want my child to speak English in an English speaking country as their only language until they start school then at the point learn the other two languages my partner wants them to? And to ask when they do learn them to respect me in my own home and only converse in English when I am there?
How is that controlling when my partner agreed to it? To add it was not under duress its was in a conversation about our future, I do not stop her talking to her child in their native tongue, and to be excluded is extremely hurtful. TO have this with my own child would be very hard to deal with.
Look...I was respectful in my
Look...I was respectful in my first post, and I am going to have to try really hard to continue to do so in this post. Your wife agreed to your unreasonable request because you bullied her into it.
"So you believe in am being unreasonable to want my child to speak English in an English speaking country"
Do you have any idea how racist you sound? The United States does not have an official language. And although we do primarily speak English, there is no law that says we have to.
Are you paranoid? Are you worried that your wife and new child will conspire against you in a different language? Why don't you learn your wife's language. THAT seems totally reasonable to me. But, clearly you don't respect your wife enough to ever make that effort.
MANY children are able to speak two languages as fluently as 5 year olds speak by the time they go to kindergarten. Stop forcing your unreasonable ideas on your wife.
It is easier for children to
It is easier for children to be bilingual if they are taught more than one language early on. The older they get, the harder it is for them. So what is the big deal?
I would say that having your child only speak English when there is a wonderful resource available to teach another language (their own mother!), would be doing a grave disservice to your child(ren).
Just because the majority of this country speaks English now, doesn't mean it will be the same when the children grow up!
Firstly I have not bullied
Firstly I have not bullied her into anything, we are in a 50/50 relationship. And at no point have I said the child will not learn another language they will once school has started (two extra actually)or maybe even before it if their language skills will allow it
I will ask one question to all that say I'm unreasonable, have you ever lived in a home where 50% of what is being said is not understood by you? Could you deal with sitting in a room daily and feeling excluded from your child's life due to being unable to understand the communication? Think about this for a second, I am neither a racist or a bully and I am insulted by those comments but I will let them pass, my mannerisms may make me appear so but I am not.
Is it wrong to want to be 100% in my child's life and not be excluded by a communication difficulty (I have tried to learn net native tongue and can not), I already deal with it with my step child and it's more difficult than you could ever understand unless you are dealing with it.
Anyway thanks for the constructive answers from some of you I have much to think about, even to the point of deciding if I can deal with this relationship at all.
So you'd rather give up your
So you'd rather give up your marriage than learn your wife's language?
Rosetta Stone is less expensive than a divorce!
Sounds like you have a bit of a control issue and I bet that your problems go WAY deeper than language!
I can put myself in your
I can put myself in your shoes and imagine a life at home feeling a bit like an outsider...I get it. I would feel resentful as well.
However, I do think it would be good for the child to learn his/her mother's language as early as possible. Kids learn language much better as toddlers than when they are older. Perhaps your wife can teach you her language as she teaches your baby, at a slow pace? That could be an incredible bonding experience for all three of you.
I am friend's with a couple, the mom is half Mexican and she teaches her daughter Spanish, but English is the primary language. I think that is good for the child, keeps them connected to their roots.
I think you should be upfront with your wife, let her know how you feel left out and explain THAT is what you don't want to feel with your own child. Perhaps you can find a happy medium.
The petty comment was a bit
The petty comment was a bit too far, I value a lot in a baby's development and the first word is one of them. It may not mean much to a lot of people but it means a great deal to me. Espically as this will be my first biological child.
I think control means a great
I think control means a great deal to you. A baby's first word is their first word regardless of the language. If your wife was able to learn English, I would think that you would be able to learn her language. And if you didn't want our opinions, you shouldn't post on this forum. I suspect that you are angry because you aren't getting the responses that you wanted.
Not angry at all but there
Not angry at all but there are a great deal of assumptions being made about me. And as for the language it's one of the worlds most difficult I know simple phrases but can't move it any further forward.
Obviously you are not in such a great mood today and I triggered that annoyance. So we shall leave our conversation here as you can obviously not place yourself in my shoes
I am mixed but people often
I am mixed but people often think I'm hispanic and will try to speak to me in spanish which drives me insane, so I can understand WHY you don't want someone speaking a different language in your own home.
Am I correct in assuming you "caught" your wife speaking her native tongue and you didn't like that? If speaking English in your home is so important to you, WHY did you marry someone that speaks a different language???
I'm not trying to attack you, but you HAD to have known this was going to be an issue before you got married. I'm sure she didn't wait until after ya'll got married to "slip up" and start speaking in her native tongue.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I also don't think your GF/SO/DW is going to change. (Are you married? If not, I'd SERIOUSLY re-think this plan.)
Anyhoo, any way you cut it, if you stay in this relationship, your lady will teach your kid her language.
I'd learn it.
I would HATE to live in a home where people are speaking a language I don't understand. I'd feel left out.
I suggest you learn the language. Or find an English-only speaking woman.
My wife speaks her native
My wife speaks her native tongue daily in our home and I attempt it also so it's not like I'm saying' you will not do it". I had to when I first met my SD and found it extremely difficult.
Maybe it is unreasonable for me to ask this... Maybe I will rethink it, it's the exclusion that worries me the most I don't want to be excluded from my child as its difficult enough with my step child.
I do want my child to be bilingual as its better for them, but I have a fear of missing out.
My first child's first word
My first child's first word was "woof". Seriously.
I think it is important enough for your future child to learn his/her mother's language that you take the chance the first word might not be in English. Study after study shows that lanuguages come more naturally before school age. To take this away just so you can hear the first word in English is, in my opinion, selfish. This is one small moment in time, compared to the child's whole life. Unless you spend 24 hours 7 days a week with your child, you might not even hear the first word. And even though it's a difficult language, surely your wife will translate what the word is. As a parent, there is so much to enjoy with a baby...I think you're overthinking this one thing.
What I don't think is unreasonable, however, would be if you asked that your family only speaks English around you, or that if SD needs to say something quickly, it gets translated for you. Surely SD will be speaking English before too long. This is just common courtesy. And the same courtesy would dictate you try to learn some of their language.
I don't mean this to sound unkind, but you are really micro-managing here. If you're going to be a parent, you really need to be flexible. Kids don't fit neatly into our best laid plans. They just don't. They're messy and unpredictable. And parenting/marriage is a partnership full of compromises.
I just saw your response where you said you will rethink some of this...good for you having an open mind!
Well I'm not here to cut you
Well I'm not here to cut you down but I will share my opinions with you being you asked. Think about this, you already know the frustration with your step kid over the language barrier right? How are you going to feel when its your birth child & the language barrier will be there? You have rights to have a child, teaching them your language, your culture, & teach them your ways but that right is a two way street for the mother that you have this child with. I can understand your frustration but you are choosing not only to be with her but maybe someday have kids with her.
If I were in your shoes, I would do one of three things. One option would be to move on finding another mate that speaks English, if you have the child with her-teach this child both languages word for word so its a good vocabulary in both languages, or if you have the child with her-not only teach the child both languages but start it with sign language using both languages equally.
You know, I don't even
You know, I don't even REMEMBER what my kid's first word was.
To the above poster please
To the above poster please read my replies