Heart and gut wrenching situation
My story goes, I am in a relationship with a woman of a different nationality than my own she is divorced and has a 5 year old daughter living with us (I moved in). We worked with the child bringing her from a spoiled, possessive nasty girl into one that is respectful and thoughtful. Jump forward to after the summer holidays in which my partner allowed her daughter to go back to her home country for a month over the summer (her spending one of those weeks there herself) and her father spending the rest with her.
Let me further add that my partners family hate me and her mother especially because I am of a different nationality, now there was a language problem (me and partners daughter) in the beginning but that cleared and we had a decent relationship. However on her coming back from her home country her personality with me has totally changed she only talks to me when she needs something and the rest of the time its in her native tongue (she is being schooled in English BTW), sitting watching tv turns into 90% their native tongue and 10% my partner chatting with me where as before it was about 50/50.
This child is either being manipulated by my partners family and her bio father, being turned against me or she has decided to turn against me herself, we recently got a puppy and she is now making him do bad things in order to have him shouted at (im the puppys alpha and he give me alot of attention). Then acts all lovey with him and my partner is besotted with the love her daughter has for the puppy when I point out the darker side of it all she says no its all the puppys fault and not her precious baby (which is understandable). When we talk about her future in school I have put the point across that she needs to speak more english at home as she was put into a lower class than some other foreign children due to her communication skills and not being as competent at certain tasks (as identified in her report) this turned into an argument (one sided btw), as this said to my partner that I was calling her daughter stupid, however in reality I was only pointing out the reasons for her not getting into the higher class and suggested ways to improve her capabilities.
Now before all this happened it was a pretty smooth ride for me, now its just gut wrenching. Anything to do with this child I am beginning to resent due to my treatment (it goes much further than I have outlined) and any opinion I have on her future unless its all praise (of which I give a lot) is thrown back in my face. I have went from feeling like a second parent or at least a parents helper to the guy next door, which is heartbreaking because people who knew this little lady before me remark on how different she is now and commend her mother for doing it (when it was me directing her) I'm not looking recognition from anyone other than my partner and a little more thanks.
Any time I try to back off from the daughter and allow my partner to deal with everything, the child looses out and its fair even with the way she is treating me at the moment she is a child and needs someone to help guide her mother (I know most people here would say it not my place). However it seems both her parents are IMHO useless and don't have the first clue about proper child rearing and how to bring up a well adjusted and prepared child focusing on their strengths and building their confidence from what they are good at. They only worry about how to get through the day and her father only worries about being the good guy and turning her against (I have evidence for this too long to explain).
Step parenting is difficult as it stands but having it in a multi-lingual household is even worse... Anyone ever been in a similar situation?
Thanks
It is extremely rude to speak
It is extremely rude to speak in another language when there are non-speakers in the room.
Mention to your wife that as she has chosen to live in the USA (assuming you are in the USA) and all the benefits it offers her and her daughter she needs to make a better effort to raise her daughter bi-lingually and respect the country that offers her a far better lifestyle than what she left behind. Also she is limiting her daughters potential by encouraging her 1st language to be actively spoken at home. And her daughter will be held back if she doesn't catch up to the other kids.
That being said, it is a horrible thing to see your child lose their bi-lingual-ness. My father is Dutch and until the time I was 5 I was bi-lingual. Now it is vaguely familiar.
Maybe encourage your wife to enroll her daughter in a club for her native country so she doesn't lose the language and customs and culture. You may also add that people who are strongly bi-lingual are much better at maths and problem solving. However her daughter needs to start speaking the language of the country she has chosen to live in. And offer a situation reversal. You had a daughter and lived with her in wifes country. Would she like English to be the primnary language in your home in her home country?
The speaker are speaking
The speaker are speaking their native language in their own home. I don't see that as being rude, especially if the child is not fluent in English.
Sitting there speaking
Sitting there speaking primarily your native tongue is rude when there is someone there who cannot understand the conversation. My Dutch aunt used to speak to my father (also Dutch) in their native language when my mother was in the room. She did not speak Dutch and can sort of undersand the language or get the jist of a conversation but she knows a few words but not a conversationalist in Dutch. But both my father and aunt spoke English. My father would talk back to my aunt in Engliah but she persisted. It doesn't matter whether it is your home or someone elses home.
The child will not become fluent in English if the mother takes the easy way out not to encourage it for more success in school.
Encouraging learning English
Encouraging learning English is important for school and acclimation to life here, but why not learn their language as well. That avoids you feeling left out and nips her talking around you or about you as then you won't be in the dark any more.
Whatever happened when she
Whatever happened when she went home has a hold on her mind now and her behavior. Let her go. It's really as simple as that even though it's hurtful. Yes it'll be sad that the child will lose your benefit and guidance however it's not your place to Parent her. She has two parents and suck as they may, you'll always be in Beta position to them. Everything good you try to do will be undermined and will backfire on you because they feel they know best for their daughter. Whatever influence you had is gone and even if it came back, you'll always be wondering when or if every home visit will render you a bottom-feeder again. I see no reason for you to try to push this forward.
hustonwehavea, I'm right
hustonwehavea, I'm right there with you on this one. My SD came back from summer break treating me like a complete and utter stranger, when I am the one who has raised her for the past 3 years! She has left me 2 notes on the middle of the floor so I would see them first thing when I wake up. She is clearly trying to let me know she wants nothing to do with me and that her BM is the greatest thing ever compared to me. Her BM is a convicted felon and has abandoned SD while I have been raising her.
There is nothing that can make you feel more used, abused, unwelcome, and just plain shitty. I am deep into resentment for her because of all her actions toward me.
Curious, what
Curious, what language/nationality are you dealing with?
Second, do you want to live with a woman, whom you describe as being a useless parent, and her child/family that disrespects you? The only thing worse than being in a miserable relationship is prolonging a miserable relationship.
Something has been said to
Something has been said to her and I believe it was from my partners mother, they are Lithuanian. Let my quantify the bad mother/not a good parent statement. Her mother was not a good role model for a top parenting style and my partner knows no better than she has seen and is used too, I believe everyone is malleable and in time I am hoping things change. However if the past few months are anything to go by I may be living in a false hope. As for her family disrespecting me nothing I can do about that only stay away from them as best I can, I do love this woman and am hoping to spend the rest of my days with her, but for me love is not enough and if I can not find a good way to sort this situation I fear its the end for us.
Frustr8d1 that's the feeling I get, it cuts me inside it really does its like a hot knife in my heart because I have done nothing wrong on this child. I know its my partners family and the child's daddy (who is the worst type of person) whispering in her ear unfortunately there is no substitute for blood and this situation is proving that to me. Before my partner split with the child father she was a mummy's girl (due to her consoling her mum when she was crying a 3 year old child....) now she is a daddy's girl and thinks the world revolves around him.
WTHDISUF I have made the decision this morning to stop all parenting of her, I have told her mother its her responsibility as I can not be taken through a rollercoaster of emotion due to her daughter. She had her and she is her responsibility I have offered support in advice if she wants it but it must be when the child is in bed and she must not know i have any input this will hopfully stop her acting out against me.
Lalena75, Rhyleighblue, oneoffour I have tried to learn the language but its piratically impossible for me I have no talent for it. Aad as for them talking in front of me it has increased from the child has come back from her holidays. It bothers me a lot but how can I ask a mother to communicate to her child in a language other than what she is used to, saying that it has went from 50/50 english/lithuanian to 10/90 which is something I think I need to address. If the child is forced to talk english this might drive a further wedge between us?... No?
Thanks for all the replys! It is greatly appreciated I feel less alone now :O)
That is a huge cultural
That is a huge cultural difference language, food, etc. And I agree it would be very difficult for you at this age to learn to speak it other than a few words or catch phrases.
You not parenting her is the right thing to do. She has parents and family that can do that. It will hopefully decrease your stress level and the tension in the home.
Good luck.