Tired of feeling so shitty
All I wanted was a happy marriage and a happy family. It would seem that I dream too big.
We just had a fight. I've been thinking lately that maybe he can't help himself from lying, or has done it so long that he doesn't know the difference anymore. Maybe he enjoys gaslighting. I don't know. What I do know is that he told me over a month ago during Christmas break that he had his orders. He told me earlier this month that he called the t.v. service and set it up to be shut off at the end of this month. That we were in a pay-ahead system ( :? ) and had already paid for Feb., so would owe them nothing. Seemed fishy.
It's bill time, so I called them to confirm all this. Every word of it was a lie. There has been no contact to initiate service suspension. The last call made to them was about adding more services into his bundle. We pay in arrears (which is how, to my knowledge, it's always been). We are paid slightly ahead, but *if* service is discontinued at the end of this month, we will end up owing a small amount.
I confronted him about it; he denied all events leading up to it. Said he never told me he had his orders. Said he never told me we were paid ahead and would owe nothing. Said he made no such call about additional bundle services.
So, I lost it and screamed at him, and now I feel shitty.
I hate that I love him. I hate that, even after I've known him all this time and know how he is, I can still feel so much hurt and anger when he pulls these stunts. I hate that I know that I can't continue to live this way. I hate that I know what a divorce will do to my baby daughter. I hate him for being such a fucking douche.
Yes, they do enjoy
Yes, they do enjoy gaslighting.
It's a power thing and control thing.
And they can dish it out but they won't take it. If you try and gaslight them they will have an epic meltdown and they will never forget it.
People like this operate under a different set of rules and have no conscience or empathy.
They are only interested in gaining the upper hand and winning no matter what the cost.
I feel you.
It's a hard place, being with somebody like that.
Are you serious? This really
Are you serious? This really happened?
So you have no reason to trust a word that this guy says -- everything must be verified. How time consuming. And sad for him that his relationships are about power and not love.
As you've recently had a baby with him, I'm guessing that you're not ready to leave. I'm sure you know you have to leave at some point, this relationship is almost, but not exactly, the total opposite of normal. And will seriously screw your daughter up when she's looking for a partner.
In the meantime, I think you'd be wise to stop believing anything he says. Take yourself out of depending on him for anything. Arrange your finances so that he transfers a monthly amount into your account, take his name of all bills, and you take care of everything. That way there's a paper trail and he can blow smoke until the cows come home without screwing you or your daughter over.
And it would be smart to stop getting emotionally involved with the lies. You know he's probably lying, so why get angry? No point yelling at him, he'll just deny it. And if he occasionally doesn't lie, it won't matter as you'll be taking care of business without his input.
Yes it is narcissism and it
Yes it is narcissism and it cannot be cured. They cannt change, so you must change yourself if you choose to,stay. Learn all you can about narcissism, see how soul destroying it can be for those of us living with a partner who has it. If you don't learn all about it you will ultimately be eaten alive in this relationship. You have a daughter to take care of. You owe it to her to find out exactly what your dealing with. Once you know, then you need to decide whether you go or stay. But if you stay, you had better change yourself. You will never have a normal relationsh with this man, he is incapable of it. I'm so very sorry for you. This is hard.
Thanks, ladies. I know all of
Thanks, ladies. I know all of this, but it's still hard. It's lying combined with compulsive spending. If he has $100 to spend, he'll spend $200; if he has $1,000, he'll spend $2,000.
I've already begun the whole process of separating our finances, and I have an "escape" plan in process. It'll take several years, and I hope, by then, to be out of debt so as to minimize the difficulty of splitting things up. I support me, my older DD, and our baby (technically a toddler) on a pretty small income as I bring home about 1/4 of what he does. He can't afford to support anyone but himself because he's already spent every penny he'll make for at least the next five years.
I know he lies. He does it all the time, and I have to check everything he says. Or he just doesn't tell me anything and leaves it for me to find out (like spending bill money on crap and then we can't pay our bills). And I know I should expect it by now, not get angry; I already pay all the bills as it just won't get done if it's left up to him.
I guess he was hoping I wouldn't check on it this time; it'd be an extra $90 (yes, he ordered a $90/mo t.v. package) for him to spend on crap. Who cares if the bill doesn't get paid, right? And I guess I was hoping, just for once, that he wasn't lying. Too much to hope for.
Wow you're very wise.
Wow you're very wise. Richest blessings with your plan. Godspeed. I admire your strength.
Well I'm sure you know what
Well I'm sure you know what your doing but I don't understand how staying with a guy who spends his last time then borrows another is going to get you out of debt.
It'll be more complicated perhaps but I'd get out tomorrow.
It is amazing - my ex wife would tell a lie and later deny it when 4 people witnessed it and told her she said the lie. She would deny it to her grave. They really do believe their lies when they say them and they really do believe it when they say they didn't. I'm sure they could pass a lie detector test. The human brain is simply amazing.
So do leave, it will be easier than living with this for 3 or 4 years and getting the toddler more and more attached.
I took over the finances a
I took over the finances a little over a year ago. It was a huge, hostile fight. He "lent" our grocery money to his work buddies (they never paid him back). We argued for well over two hours. I was exhausted. I ended it by saying that if I had to go to his Chaplain for a waiver to get food from the food bank on base, I would take in copies of his LES's (pay stubs) and print outs of his bank account showing how he spends his entire check on crap leaving us without money for food. That would have been career damaging (today, it would be career ending), and he has an image to maintain.
I can't change the package;
I can't change the package; it's one of the few bills (maybe the only one) that are his name alone. And honestly, if I didn't fear the backlash it would cause, I'd just not pay it. But if I don't, it'll be my fault when it goes past due, and he'll expect me to cover it or work something out with the company to pay it late or something else. And then, when the next payment is due and I have to pay extra, it'll be my fault that he doesn't have enough gas money/lunch money/whatever money.
I know if I leave him, I'll get CS, but with the enormous amount he pays to his ex for his son, I don't think it'll be much. I will have my ducks in a row when the time comes, though.
If you can't trust your DH to
If you can't trust your DH to not lie to you about anything much less anything as trivial as the cable bill then you don't need to be with him, you sure don't need to have him sire any more of your children and you need to get your daughter as far away from his lying ass as possible.
Limiting his lying influence with your daughter is the best thing you can do for her in this situation. Countering his lying ass until your DD reaches viable adulthood will take a very dedicated effort on your part. However, it is not a wasted effort. We had to do this to protect my SS from his lyiing toothless moron Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan. SS is now 21yo and a viable adult who has moved far past his toxic Sperm Clan.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.