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I despise my SS and the x BM to the point I cringe....daily.

sophie1975's picture

Hello everyone
Let me start by saying how much I enjoy this site and all the readings and advice I have gotten. I love my husband, he is an amazing man. We were high school sweethearts, grew up together - dated in our 20's and then parted ways....now 20 years later we are married and actively TTC our own bundle.

With that said - I was married for 20 years, and have 2 kids - 12 and 10. He dated a psychotic girl who told him she was on BCP and he stupidly trusted her, and she got pregnant. They were never married, or even a real couple. It was just a thing.

Before me he was always just trying to keep her happy and not rock the boat - to jeopardize his relationship with his son. He was always "at her beck and call" as I put it. She is engaged, and they broke up almost 3 years ago.

Fast forward to me coming into the picture. He then went from 4-5 days a week of taking his son, to the normal visitation schedule for a non custodial parent. We are happily married and he is an amazing step father to my kids. BM would constantly text call etc - and either start fights or drudge up the past about their "relationship". This went on for a while, one night he told me that I didnt deserve that and he said he was going to block her phone number on his phone - and we had an extra phone that I carried around and that was her only form of contacting him. Once in a while he would get upset and say how could he find out of there was an emergency with his 7 year old if she is blocked etc.

This past weekend was a kids weekend. We have an arrangement that there are no sleepovers (for many reasons, not my doing) so on those Saturdays he spends the day with his child and on Sundays we spend the day all together.

Yesterday - while getting ready to go out with all the kids for the day - he told me he has to unblock her. Actually, he already had done it - and didn't tell me because he didn't want to make me upset. Because I can't even handle it. I don't know why. He said it is unrealistic for me to expect her to be blocked and not be able to get in touch with him if she needed to regarding the child. The child is her identical twin. She and I DO NOT get along. At all. For some sick reason I can't even look at him because it makes me so sick. Everything he stands for makes my stomach turn. I came out of the bathroom and he was cuddling his Dad on the couch. I was cringing. So wrong I know, so so wrong.

I keep thinking this is so wrong, but I can't help it. Can anyone offer any encouraging words on how you all deal? Has anyone ever been in my shoes TTC your own biological child and hating the fact that our DH have children with other people Sad

twoviewpoints's picture

:sick:

Of course the most important thing is for this man to be a "wonderful" father to your kids (who are not biologically his). *rolling my eyes*

You don't need to accept his child, just cut to the chase and ban the kid. That kid shouldn't come between your two children's need for a new daddy. Why should you tolerate his previous kid while it's your previous kids who should be the one and only priority to their stepfather, your husband.

Tell your husband you just can't with this anymore and his kid has to go. It worked for getting rid of the kid from dad's weekly involvement down to a mere EOWE, it'll work this time when you inform him this lousy few hours here and there a month are just too painful for you and needs to cease.

Isn't this what you want to hear? That this kid just go back to BM and leave your husband alone? If you manage to get pregnant with a son, maybe Dad will just forget the son you did your hardest to push out.

And as I stated in your previous blog, another kid looses his father to the stepkids. *shrugs*

Disneyfan's picture

You hate the fact that he has ONE child with another woman, but you have TWO children with another man. :?

Prior to you, that little boy was with his dad 4-5 days a week. Now he has been reduced to 4 days a month with no overnights.

Maxwell09's picture

I cant get over how you got a man who is so supposedly good to your daughters and a great enough dad that you want a baby with him, to go from 4 to 5 days a week with his kid to less (I am assuming every other weekend). But then you said that there aren't any sleepovers? Can you explain that to us? Does that mean YOU don't sleep over when the kid is over for the weekend OR does it mean the kid goes home Saturday night and is re-picked up Sunday morning? Regardless, I think you are the problem. You haven't given any examples besides texting and calling (normal bm activity) that makes us think BM is causing problems. While I am a strong advocate for using phones for Emergency communication only between bio parents there are times when there is a quick text between BM and DH with short one word answers. Other than that they exchange via email. She isn't blocked in any way because that would just be an excuse for her to not tell DH something important. I am going to break down the red flags in your post for you so you can understand why you seem like the problem here:

You belittling his past relationship with BM as "nothing" or saying he never loved her/had a "real" relationship with her
You admittedly reduced how often he sees his kid from 4-5/week to EOWE but no overnights (?)
You saying it was HIS idea to block her and she would contact you on an extra phone instead, but then he admits to unblocking her and not telling you because "you cant handle it"
Stating the child is BM's identical twin

I don't think you have it in you to be a decent (engaged or not) stepmom to a child that is not yours so not only do I think you should stop trying for a baby with this man, I think you need to leave the relationship.

Maxwell09's picture

I hate to admit it but I always sense something is up when they diminish their SO's past relationship.

sophie1975's picture

I am not sure where to start. BM is constantly texting about their relationship etc -- and just saying nasty comments to my DH about his parenting. Before anyone keeps bashing me or him, I will tell you that we had to move into an apartment that there wasn't an extra bedroom for SS and he refuses to sleep on the couch or even camp out with my son in the living room. He wants his own room, he is very spoiled - therefore there aren't any overnights until we move. In a house I had prior to DH I cleared out an office and gave SS his own room. He didn't have it at the new place, and so no sleepovers.

The days my DH had him before me was excessive. BM is significantly younger, 13 years younger, and wanted her weekends to party etc -- now it is a schedule every other weekend day visits.

He offered to block her because instead of her calling/texting regarding SS it is always other issues she wants to talk about. Not right.

Maxwell09's picture

There is no such thing as having your kid to excess when you are a parent....if you have a child with him are you going to let him go off on the weekends instead of being a father to your child 24/7 since its too much for him?

sophie1975's picture

Echo you sound like an old bitter hag -- my kids are sharing a bedroom due to an emergency housing situation. my son and my SS were set to camp out in the living room during those times, but SS didn't want to because he didn't have his own room. NOR DO MY CHILDREN. You really need to stop and check your own self before you criticize others.

Disneyfan's picture

"The days my DH had him before me was excessive."

How often do you have your kids? Is the amount of time they are with you excessive?

Regardless of why mom was willing to allow dad to have so much time with the kid, what she did was in the child's best interest. Her motives may have been self-serving, but the end results benefited the kid. What you did destroyed that.

sophie1975's picture

I didn't do anything -- except give my DH a life, one that he deserved. I have custody of my children, and they visit their dad every other weekend and one night a week. Normal non custodial schedule. End of story.

Maxwell09's picture

But its not the end of the story. Its the beginning of why you're having the problems you hare having now. This is your Karma and I hope you realize that.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Times have changed, in many places 50/50 is the normal custodial schedule. Even if limited visitation is normal in your area, nothing says it must be that way.

Disneyfan's picture

"I didn't do anything -- except give my DH a life, one that he deserved."

When in the heck did having step kids full time become what anyone deserves???? You pushed his kid out, and shoved your kids in.

Either this is a CREW or you are just hell-bent on being the stereotypical stepmother.

I gotta give you credit for owning your role in decreasing the amount of time that little boy spends with his father.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I was going to write a whole comment on this, but there isn't really anything to say that hasn't been said before. Either you are extremely clueless and don't care about your DH's feelings and needs, or this is fake.

sophie1975's picture

I want to gear my comment to those who were friendly and offered sincere advice rather than those who were critical and rude. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Any tips on how I can overcome this, and just feel wrong for feeling this way.

sophie1975's picture

I want to gear my comment to those who were friendly and offered sincere advice rather than those who were critical and rude. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Any tips on how I can overcome this, and just feel wrong for feeling this way.

ESMOD's picture

If you want only the sunshine and daisy responses, you may not get the answers that you need.

Sometimes on this site, people will benefit more from a clear and "rude" response than 100 puppy and kitten responses.

You feel bad because a part of you knows that you aren't being fair to the child.

A kid who was in the home 4-5 days a week deserves to have a designated space.. maybe not his own room depending upon the ages of other kids, but certainly shouldn't have to sleep on the couch.

I am thinking that if he had "his own room" or at least his own bed in a real room shared with another child that he would go back to that other schedule.

I think having a child now with the turmoil of existing kids in the relationship is probably a mistake.

sophie1975's picture

Thank you so much ESMOD - you are sweet. I understand. I think I just hold a lot of resentment due to the issues that occured in the beginning of the relationship. DH was more than overprotective over SS and WE ALL SUFFERED. Example -- my children IN THEIR OWN HOME (before DH and I were married I had my own home) would be walking on eggshells when SS was there. It was always "___ is sleeping, you better not wake him - SS wants to go here so we are going, etc etc" Added to a LOT of screaming at me and my children over SS --Life was all about SS and my kids were really upset. Added to that - DH and I have had many MANY fights over SS - MOST of which DH ADMITTED he was wrong, and some even got a bit violent. DH has apologized profusely and stated that He was wrong, and that he is beyond sorry and didn't know how to act with not focusing solely on SS. All of our lives had to revolve around SS and everyone suffered. To the extent I almost ended the relationship with DH. SS is an only child, so he is the focus throughout BM family - and when he comes to our house he feels same entitlement. I need to get over the resentment I feel for the child, because it was DH not the child.

We had to move for MANY reasons and were forced into a smaller home in our town for a bit. Not having a bedroom for SS we offered to make a slumber party weekends and give boys the living room and make it fun. SS pouted and said if he didn't have a room to decorate he wasn't staying. My elderly mom comes to visit she stays on couch.

When we move - SS can sleep in a room with my son with bunk beds.

ESMOD's picture

I think sometimes when people are the Non Custodial Parent, that there can be this attempt to make up for the fact that the child isn't there full time.

Unless SS was very young.. infant or toddler, worries about keeping the noise down etc.. shouldn't have made everybody so on edge.

It's also not healthy for all activities to ALWAYS revolve around one person.

If it helps, it was not really the child's fault that this happened. His disney dad did that. Sure, the child benefited.. and probably made him more entitled and spoiled, but again, his dad created that monster situation. Hopefully he is moving in a more parental direction now.

sophie1975's picture

I agree ESMOD - and thank you for your response. He realizes that he was to blame, and now treats ALL kids equal when SS is over. When he is not my kids are "our kids" and such. He has made a complete change, and my kids have adjusted so well to their stepfather and have a bond with him and my son has a tight bond with SS. I am always told that I am the only one who can't adjust. We are TTC and I KNOW it is WRONG but I can't handle the fact he has a son with someone else. Beyond wrong. But we are currently undergoing infertility treatments and its emotionally draining. SS is only there 2 Sundays a month - and not for almost 2 weeks again, and I already dread it. How do I cope?

MollyBrown's picture

You get out. Do you think pregnancy hormones will help? The exhaustion of a newborn? You need to get your emotions in order before you bring a baby into this mess. You don't even have room for a baby. Crikey!

Rags's picture

I struggled with similar feelings during the early dating phase with my Bride. Don't get me wrong. I adored my Skid. But.... I periodically would have a visceral revulsive reaction to his presence or some minor insignificant Toddler thing he did. The best comparison I have come up with is Lions. Any Animal Planet special on Lions will reference how the male lion when he takes over a pride will nearly always kill the young offspring of his predecessors. There are a variety of reasons for this but generally a male lion will not tolerate the presence of someone else's young offspring.

What I knew without any doubt was that my bride was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and to make that happen and be able to deliver on my responsibilities as her equity life partner and to make it the best possible adventure for all three of us I needed to raise my Skid as my own. SO that is what I committed myself to do... for me, and for all of us.

Keep in mind that the choice of his mother is not the kids fault. Your DH made that choice. Rather than take it out on the kid I suggest that you focus on the behaviors that you want to change both internally and from all of the kids in the home. Set standards of reasonable behavior and hold the kids to those standards... and ... do the same for yourself on how you look at and interface with SS.

Why would anyone stay in a relationship with an adult who would not be able to at least behave in an adult fashion when dealing with a child?

I wouldn't... even if I felt like eating some other guys progeny. (Figuratively of course).

sophie1975's picture

Rags -- thank you so much for your response and kind words. I appreciate your advice - and definitely am going to try to make sure I can do that. Again that you so much.