LOVE YOU!

"I always say FINE. You don't want to listen to your WIFE, who was not absolutely, positively around for the procreation of a child that you allow her to be tortured by because YOU pay lip service but DON'T FOLLOW THROUGH? Well then, it's all on you Mr. DH. I wash my hands of it."

YES!!! He "says" that he hears me and will follow through but doesn't some of the time. My bad, I don't want to be: bit, spit on, called names like Witch and whatever he can think of.

Does your DH resent you not engaging?? I have left once (my parents were out of town so I left for a weekend) and DH felt horrible but I really don't think he knows how to fix them. If I disengage again and make him field the parental duties 100% is he going to just hate me? Or them? I know he gets why I want to but then I've got my parents here who are trying desperately to connect with the skids because they know I'll never have a child of my own. (financially strapped). So they, especially my mom, want a connection to the skids whose SS11 has told my mother to "shut up". I don't know what to do here. I want my parents to have a relationship with them but I don't want one. I don't want my husband to feel cut out from my folks or his (I don't speak to his). How do we have a family dinner when the skids call my parents by their first names and I check out and they (my parents) love him and are trying to make it all work? I'm lost.

I just went into the bedroom and asked him what he thought was going to happen here. He says exactly what you said. He doesn't know what to do, doesn't want to do the work to find out (although that's veiled), doesn't want to do the work when he is shown what to do and does nothing!
He just stormed out of the house telling me that I'd clearly made a mistake and he's a horrible husband, father and person from what I've said. Um, no, I just asked what we're going to do about your kids when they come back. Gawd I hate this. I know it'll blow over but now I'm in tears and just want to crawl in a hole. He freaked out especially because I offered to stay at a friends or my parents when the kids were here and being difficult. "Yeah, that's a great solution, just leave me!". Ugh. The Drama.

LOL! I have mentioned getting my old apartment back and if we could afford it? Done. Unfortunately the kids aren't "really" angels with mom, she's just such a gigantic piece of white trash that she thinks they're behavior is fine and SS11 is so desperate for her love, he probably does act like a perfect kid and always gets treated like shit.
They let the kids do what they want when they want and how much they want all the time. BM let SS11 play a game with his cousins that involved throwing rocks at each other. Two summers ago we got a call that he was heading to the ER because he'd been hit in the back of the head with a big huge rock and split his head open.
BM isn't a good place to be and in the begining I helped DH fight it tooth and nail but at this point, they're such monsters I'm just exhausted and frustrated and would probably give them to a passerby on the street. I'm just so tired of working so much harder than they are. BM treats them like crap and they'd still rather live with her. She's been abusive to them in the past and they still want her. It's just so fucking defeating!!!
The other problem? BM actually told me once she'd take SD6, but not SS11- well, she hesitated and said she'd rather have the conversation with DH. She's a sociopath and it would be bad to send them to BM. She actually cut a huge chunk out of her visitation from the custody order. I know it's bad that I want to send them back to her because no child should live in her home. At the same time, I am sooo tired of being shit on. I am completely conflicted.

No. I'm not. I know he just wants everyone to be happy but when the skids are acting like such jerks he gets grumpy and storms around and is just not pleasant. He really does want me to be happy but doesn't know how to make the skids act better. He's constantly telling me he's sorry, but he doesn't change his behavior. He says he's trying, but I don't see it so I'm just at the end of my rope.

There are two of us??? :jawdrop: I'm so sorry. This sucks terribly.

Thanks for your words- how is disengaging working for you? Do the kids recognize that you're apart but taking care of very basic needs together? Does your DH notice that you aren't doing anything other than the minimum? SD6 asked to speak with me on the phone last week while with BM and I told DH "no, she refused to speak to me last time and I have no interest in speaking to her". He said, "are you sure?". I had to give him The Look. Seriously? Why would I want to speak with your demon spawn let alone right before we go out of town for our anniversary? I don't want to hear what she's doing with her "real" mom. Not now, not ever. Am I awful for feeling that way? I just don't know how to feel with this step-shit!