Thank you for creating this site!
Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to let everyone know that it is a such a sense of relief to know that this site is here. I have been very nervous about the whole step parenting idea and its been wonderful to read about other people going thru the same things and see constructive advice. For the first time I feel I have found a great place that I can turn to in finding solutions and its gives me more hope about this whole topic.
I have a man that i fell in love with and he has primary custody of his children (very young) from a previous marriage. I would love nothing more than to marry him and have a family together but I have tremendous apprehension of being a step parent. I feel just awful about it for a number of reasons, 1) i had a step parent growing up and it was an awful relationship, i feel karma is ready to kick my butt, 2) i have two children of my own who are much older, so the idea of caring for a toddler again doesnt appeal to me, 3) their biological mother is a source of concern... long story short... she cant leave her state because of a nifty ankle bracelet and its not the most heinous thing she has done. those are just a few reasons. i feel just awful because my man is more than willing to embrace my children but whenever i look at his children... i dont feel anything. i almost cringe that I know more about them than i want to know. I feel awful because i should love them just as much as I love him because they are a part of him. They look so much like their biological mom that im afraid of the other physical, mental, and character qualities that they have inherited from her. They are sweet kids, Im just crazy afraid of them. I dont want to marry the love of my life and feel this way about his children, it wouldnt be fair to anyone, especially them.
Im hoping that by being on this site, it will help me understand more about what Im feeling and maybe what i'll be dealing with in the future. For the first time... I feel I can breathe and be open about my concerns. Thank you to all those who made this site possible.
Don't worry dear, you're
Don't worry dear, you're definitely NOT alone! I've been with my FDH for just about 8 years now and I still cringe when I hear that his kids are coming over. Not because I don't like them, but because he expects me to do so much for them while he does nothing but pay cs to his crazy ex. His ex is the main reason why I have so much resentment in regards to the kids (but that's a whole other forum). I thought that it would get easier or that I would love them like I love him, but the fact of the matter is, I don't. And, after 7.5 years, I feel that I never will.
it is so good to see that I
it is so good to see that I am not alone in my thoughts. You said his ex is a main reason for your resentment in regards to the kids... may i ask in what way? Cause i feel that his ex could be a giant reason why i dont or wont connect with my future step kids.
Go slow. Being a sm is very
Go slow. Being a sm is very hard. Theres no control for a sm. Most of the older kids resent the new sm's. I my self don't have problems with my ss other than normal things. But I can't stand his BM. DH and I take care of ss full time. After you give your all to a child day end and day out and then their sorry BM shows up and their face lights up and they run right passed you like your nobody it hurts. It happens every time ss see bm. Right now thats not to much. on this site you'll see all kinds of things that happen. it really opens your eyes. just go slow and make sure you can do it before moving in.
thank you so much for your
thank you so much for your candor. I definitely plan to take it as slow as possible. I may even consider counseling. I just never imagined that I would have such a hard time opening my heart to fit two more people in it. I do have some elememnts of my past I can see as reasonings on why I balk at taking care of other peoples children. Honestly... just writing out that I have a problem dealing with this is already making me feel better. Thank you!
Thank you both so much!! I am
Thank you both so much!! I am definitely looking for completely honest insights of it all. I never realized how much of it all scared me until I was hit with the reality that once I married him... they would still be there too. Since me and him live a couple states away from each other, Ive never had to spend longer than 3 days with them and honestly I did my best acting job of trying to be engaging with them. Whenever we use Skype, the kids love to be seen on it too and I really have no desire to see their faces. I dont want to live my married life like that where Im hating it cause I feel stuck helping to raise them. I just feel that its really a no win situation... I cant live without him, he's the best man ive ever known... but I dont want to resent his children because of their presence so that means i have to suck up my reservations and pretend that I like them. Thank you all for your help.
Be careful & most of al TRY
Be careful & most of al TRY to be honest, I pretended in the beginning & I did eventually become fond of both my ss, however aftr 8 yrs, BM still does everythin in her power to keep them from liking me. They hate me! Im evil stepmom & worst of all I think they kno I dont like/love them...kids can feel & know when ur "pretending" ...
I definitely agree with that.
I definitely agree with that. When i was younger and dealing with my step mom, i could tell when she was pretending to like me. When you say "try to be honest"... do you mean to be honest with the kids on how i feel??
I have told my boyfriend about most of my reservations and thoughts about his children... and this is what makes him even more awesome... he said he completely understands my feelings and we even discussed about not getting married till his kids were 18 so I wouldnt have to feel that way about them. Then I realized again... just because they will be out of his house... doesnt mean they stop being his children. I just feel so selfish and kind of a hypocrit cause when i was a step child, i could never understand why my step mom never liked me.
Their BM is more of a long distance problem. She lives in another state from them and because of her ankle bracelet she cant leave the state. So her being a daily nuisance is not really an issue. She calls the children about 4 times a week, when she can pay her phone bill and keep it working. Its the psychological damage of promising things to them (like visiting and presents) that hurts them the most. The daughter (4 years old) doesnt even really know her BM since she hasnt been around since she was 1 but just knows someone named Mom calls every once in a while.
Im starting to wonder if counseling would help me come to terms with all of this.