Is there anyone here who likes their step children or at least tolerates them? I am looking for hope that this feeling of wanting to erase their existence will go away?? lol. Be honest.
I enjoy my stepson. He is two years older than my oldest son. He has a smart mouth (but not to me). He does not listen very well to his pushover of a father. He adores his BM and I kind of like her too. He makes straight D's in school while my BS8 makes straight A's (literally) and he is ADHD, but I still like him. He is a sweet kid. I treat him as a little buddy more than a parent, because I cannot parent him as he has 2 involved parents already. I am a support person for him and there when he needs me.
I cannot stand my stepdaughter who is 3 however. Her mother is a different BM than stepson mentioned above. I think that makes ALL the difference. She is a pathetic excuse for a human and my SD is just like her but her dad sees her as a princess who does no wrong. I see her as a pain in my ***. Her mom is worthless, bad influence, and teaches her to be disrespectful and rude. Her mom tells her horrible things about us and about life in general. Her mom exposes her to domestic violence and substance abuse while assuring her that her father and I are the bad people. We both have graduate degrees, full time jobs and own two homes while she is a high school drop out, no job, and homeless. Yet SD believes she walks on water.
I am a BM myself with two boys who go to their dads house every other weekend. ExH girlfriend loves the boys and loves me. I let them do their thing when they are there, no contact from me, no worries, just let them have the boys and enjoy their time. My boys are taught to listen to her, respect her, and love all people. She loves them and they love her.
In conclusion I have just made myself realize that the BM really has all the power in a positive and respectful relationship with SKids. Blame her! haha.
I liked both my skids until they were PASed out by their psychotic mother. Now, I am having a hard time even being neutral on them because of the pain they are causing their father....whether it is their mother's fault or not. They are adults or close enough that they KNOW who is telling the truth and who is lying. They've just decided that their mother's family is richer than DH's family and they've been raised to believe that MONEY IS KING.
From Tuff:"To answer your question, I tolerate my stepkids for the most part. Do I love them how I love my own child, NO. Do I want the best for my stepkids and want them to be succeed? YES."
^^^LIKE^^^
I feel pretty much the same way. Some days I like SS's better than my kids! LOL
My SD11 does underhanded things like wait till I am out running errands to con DH into promising to take her to the movies or shopping. Even AFTER she asks if we can go and I tell her that our funds are low for the week. She NEVER does that when I'm around, but the instant I turn my back she's way up DH's ass being a manipulative little weasel.
I think there is a big difference between like/tolerate and wishing their existence away.
What I mean, is that, yes, both my skids (ss13 and sd11) are pretty likable. They have lots of friends and interests, they are pretty well- behaved outside of normal annoying kid stuff. My DH is a little Disney-ish, but we are working on that
However, I DO wish every single day that they didn't exist, for the mere fact that they were created by my DH and his Ex-W, their BM. As long as DH pays CS and has to deal with BM nonsense, and disrupting our EOWE (yes, I said it-Disrupting-I would call my own family disruptive if they arrived every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night!) Am I jealous and resentful much? Straight up, I admit it.
So, no, for me, I don't think that feeling of wishing they would just magically go away/never have existed will ever go away. I don't even know how to minimize it, I just accept it and tolerate it. They would never guess otherwise, as I am pretty pleasant around them. I have been known to do my own thing when they are around, and it's okay.
"disrupting our EOWE (yes, I said it-Disrupting-I would call my own family disruptive if they arrived every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night!) Am I jealous and resentful much? Straight up, I admit it."
Ditto here! I know it's not the kids fault but I still can't help how I feel.
Also, you love your own kids unconditionally. With the skids, you can have warm fuzzy feelings for them one minute, and then something can make you do a complete turnaround in your feelings for them the next. That doesn't usually happen with your own. It would take a monumental event to change your feelings about your own kids, but it will only take a small event or action to alter your feelings about the skids.....well in my case anyway.
"Also, you love your own kids unconditionally. With the skids, you can have warm fuzzy feelings for them one minute, and then something can make you do a complete turnaround in your feelings for them the next. That doesn't usually happen with your own. It would take a monumental event to change your feelings about your own kids, but it will only take a small event or action to alter your feelings about the skids.....well in my case anyway."
Yes I totally agree and am struggling with this myself, (I don't have my own yet) I sometimes spend time doing things we both like with SD and I like her, but sometimes I wake up and I am completely off with her! Yesterday I 'creeped' in to my own house after work to collect my gym kit while her dad was with her, to escape engaging with her until she went to bed... I almost escaped without them noticing...almost!!! This behaviour annoys my boyfriend as he can't ever see her annoying bratty madam side!
Sometimes we'll have a good day together, and the next if she has a tantrum i feel incredibly cold toward her! I do dislike her more times than I like her , and she annoys me for instance when I am hugging my boyfriend and she must come in to get in the hug herself. Do not like to give affection to SD, find it difficult to share affection with own family let alone little madam. It always feels like it's ok for her to be a little shit and then expect love when I am still feeling resentment. I can't really related to my SD at all because I have a stepmother who very openly hates me always has and never made one ounce of effort with me, I had a horrible childhood because of her. So sometimes hung up on the fact that SD is lucky to have a great SM like me, so why is she so f**king ungrateful!!
I actually do like my stepkids, both adults. I found this site when I was having issues with my adult SS (more correctly, I was having issues with my DH about my SS). But that has resolved and SS and I do fine together now.
And I have always liked my SD. While she might have had a hard time with her dad marrying me, she has always been polite and respectful toward me. She is now the dream stepdaughter. I like her a lot and I hope she feels more than tolerance toward me.
I honestly love my sd5 and would lay my life down for hers. I do not have any biological children so I do not know if I would love a biological child different.
My situation though is a tad unique. I was with my (now) dh the day my sd was born, and have always played a role in her life. For quite some time now I have been her majority parent, and she prefers to call me mom.
My feelings may change as bm continues to poison her tiny brain, but I sincerely hope all the love, snuggles, and laughter we share will help neutralize it.
I sometimes resent being the only one mature enough to be an adult in this situation, and admit I need a break from her at times (as much as I love my dh I feel like a single mom... Being locked in a house with no one to talk to but a 5 year old most days will drive anyone batty) but if bm ever tried taking her from us I would sell everything I own to hire the best Damn lawyer I could.
My dh tells me that I treat my sd better than I treat myself. My theory is that she didn't ask to be born, why should every fault in her life fail her? If I'm over compensating so be it.
She asked me the other day, mom.... What does love mean? I told her when you love someone you miss them terribly when they leave, and you want better for them than you want for yourself. She then says, what do you mean mom. I said baby, imagine you and me are both hungry, and I only have 1 sandwich. I would give you that sandwich so your belly would be full and I would stay hungry. My sd then says... Well then mom, I guess I love you an awful lot, because my heart hurts when I'm at mommy's house and you're not there, and I want you happy all the time.
I agree with some other threads where women are saying it isn't a natural response to love a child that is biologically ours. If it isn't there don't feel guilty. Some of us were lucky to have caught a break in the poop storm. Others unfortunately had the whole poopy mess land on their doorsteps.
I figure as long as you meet their basic needs, don't abuse them and encourage them to have healthy relationships with their bio parents you're doing all right. You don't have to love them, but at least treat them as good as you would a nephew, cousin... Or any other distant relative. If they treat you like crap, let dh be a dad and enjoy some alone time when they visit.... Bubble baths, shopping, friend time... Whatever.
"I figure as long as you meet their basic needs, don't abuse them and encourage them to have healthy relationships with their bio parents you're doing all right. You don't have to love them, but at least treat them as good as you would a nephew, cousin... Or any other distant relative. If they treat you like crap, let dh be a dad and enjoy some alone time when they visit.... Bubble baths, shopping, friend time... Whatever."
Thank you! This is the exact advice I joined this blog to find... Bubble Baths sound great.
Wow. all the responses were so honest and genuine! I LOVED it! Everyone had such truthful insights that Ive never thought to look at the issue from that point of view before. Thank you everyone for helping me come to a better understanding!!
I enjoy my stepson. He is two
I enjoy my stepson. He is two years older than my oldest son. He has a smart mouth (but not to me). He does not listen very well to his pushover of a father. He adores his BM and I kind of like her too. He makes straight D's in school while my BS8 makes straight A's (literally) and he is ADHD, but I still like him. He is a sweet kid. I treat him as a little buddy more than a parent, because I cannot parent him as he has 2 involved parents already. I am a support person for him and there when he needs me.
I cannot stand my stepdaughter who is 3 however. Her mother is a different BM than stepson mentioned above. I think that makes ALL the difference. She is a pathetic excuse for a human and my SD is just like her but her dad sees her as a princess who does no wrong. I see her as a pain in my ***. Her mom is worthless, bad influence, and teaches her to be disrespectful and rude. Her mom tells her horrible things about us and about life in general. Her mom exposes her to domestic violence and substance abuse while assuring her that her father and I are the bad people. We both have graduate degrees, full time jobs and own two homes while she is a high school drop out, no job, and homeless. Yet SD believes she walks on water.
I am a BM myself with two boys who go to their dads house every other weekend. ExH girlfriend loves the boys and loves me. I let them do their thing when they are there, no contact from me, no worries, just let them have the boys and enjoy their time. My boys are taught to listen to her, respect her, and love all people. She loves them and they love her.
In conclusion I have just made myself realize that the BM really has all the power in a positive and respectful relationship with SKids. Blame her! haha.
I liked both my skids until
I liked both my skids until they were PASed out by their psychotic mother. Now, I am having a hard time even being neutral on them because of the pain they are causing their father....whether it is their mother's fault or not. They are adults or close enough that they KNOW who is telling the truth and who is lying. They've just decided that their mother's family is richer than DH's family and they've been raised to believe that MONEY IS KING.
From Tuff:"To answer your
From Tuff:"To answer your question, I tolerate my stepkids for the most part. Do I love them how I love my own child, NO. Do I want the best for my stepkids and want them to be succeed? YES."
^^^LIKE^^^
I feel pretty much the same way. Some days I like SS's better than my kids! LOL
My SD11 does underhanded
My SD11 does underhanded things like wait till I am out running errands to con DH into promising to take her to the movies or shopping. Even AFTER she asks if we can go and I tell her that our funds are low for the week. She NEVER does that when I'm around, but the instant I turn my back she's way up DH's ass being a manipulative little weasel.
I think there is a big
I think there is a big difference between like/tolerate and wishing their existence away.
What I mean, is that, yes, both my skids (ss13 and sd11) are pretty likable. They have lots of friends and interests, they are pretty well- behaved outside of normal annoying kid stuff. My DH is a little Disney-ish, but we are working on that
However, I DO wish every single day that they didn't exist, for the mere fact that they were created by my DH and his Ex-W, their BM. As long as DH pays CS and has to deal with BM nonsense, and disrupting our EOWE (yes, I said it-Disrupting-I would call my own family disruptive if they arrived every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night!) Am I jealous and resentful much? Straight up, I admit it.
So, no, for me, I don't think that feeling of wishing they would just magically go away/never have existed will ever go away. I don't even know how to minimize it, I just accept it and tolerate it. They would never guess otherwise, as I am pretty pleasant around them. I have been known to do my own thing when they are around, and it's okay.
Absolutely spot on! I could
Absolutely spot on! I could have written that myself!
Absolutely spot on! I could
Absolutely spot on! I could have written that myself!
"disrupting our EOWE (yes, I
"disrupting our EOWE (yes, I said it-Disrupting-I would call my own family disruptive if they arrived every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night!) Am I jealous and resentful much? Straight up, I admit it."
Ditto here! I know it's not the kids fault but I still can't help how I feel.
Also, you love your own kids unconditionally. With the skids, you can have warm fuzzy feelings for them one minute, and then something can make you do a complete turnaround in your feelings for them the next. That doesn't usually happen with your own. It would take a monumental event to change your feelings about your own kids, but it will only take a small event or action to alter your feelings about the skids.....well in my case anyway.
"Also, you love your own kids
"Also, you love your own kids unconditionally. With the skids, you can have warm fuzzy feelings for them one minute, and then something can make you do a complete turnaround in your feelings for them the next. That doesn't usually happen with your own. It would take a monumental event to change your feelings about your own kids, but it will only take a small event or action to alter your feelings about the skids.....well in my case anyway."
Yes I totally agree and am struggling with this myself, (I don't have my own yet) I sometimes spend time doing things we both like with SD and I like her, but sometimes I wake up and I am completely off with her! Yesterday I 'creeped' in to my own house after work to collect my gym kit while her dad was with her, to escape engaging with her until she went to bed... I almost escaped without them noticing...almost!!! This behaviour annoys my boyfriend as he can't ever see her annoying bratty madam side!
Sometimes we'll have a good day together, and the next if she has a tantrum i feel incredibly cold toward her! I do dislike her more times than I like her , and she annoys me for instance when I am hugging my boyfriend and she must come in to get in the hug herself. Do not like to give affection to SD, find it difficult to share affection with own family let alone little madam. It always feels like it's ok for her to be a little shit and then expect love when I am still feeling resentment. I can't really related to my SD at all because I have a stepmother who very openly hates me always has and never made one ounce of effort with me, I had a horrible childhood because of her. So sometimes hung up on the fact that SD is lucky to have a great SM like me, so why is she so f**king ungrateful!!
I actually do like my
I actually do like my stepkids, both adults. I found this site when I was having issues with my adult SS (more correctly, I was having issues with my DH about my SS). But that has resolved and SS and I do fine together now.
And I have always liked my SD. While she might have had a hard time with her dad marrying me, she has always been polite and respectful toward me. She is now the dream stepdaughter. I like her a lot and I hope she feels more than tolerance toward me.
I am very lucky.
I like my bf's kids, but if
I like my bf's kids, but if we lived together, I would hang myself.
I honestly love my sd5 and
I honestly love my sd5 and would lay my life down for hers. I do not have any biological children so I do not know if I would love a biological child different.
My situation though is a tad unique. I was with my (now) dh the day my sd was born, and have always played a role in her life. For quite some time now I have been her majority parent, and she prefers to call me mom.
My feelings may change as bm continues to poison her tiny brain, but I sincerely hope all the love, snuggles, and laughter we share will help neutralize it.
I sometimes resent being the only one mature enough to be an adult in this situation, and admit I need a break from her at times (as much as I love my dh I feel like a single mom... Being locked in a house with no one to talk to but a 5 year old most days will drive anyone batty) but if bm ever tried taking her from us I would sell everything I own to hire the best Damn lawyer I could.
My dh tells me that I treat my sd better than I treat myself. My theory is that she didn't ask to be born, why should every fault in her life fail her? If I'm over compensating so be it.
She asked me the other day, mom.... What does love mean? I told her when you love someone you miss them terribly when they leave, and you want better for them than you want for yourself. She then says, what do you mean mom. I said baby, imagine you and me are both hungry, and I only have 1 sandwich. I would give you that sandwich so your belly would be full and I would stay hungry. My sd then says... Well then mom, I guess I love you an awful lot, because my heart hurts when I'm at mommy's house and you're not there, and I want you happy all the time.
How could I not love a little girl like that?
I agree with some other
I agree with some other threads where women are saying it isn't a natural response to love a child that is biologically ours. If it isn't there don't feel guilty. Some of us were lucky to have caught a break in the poop storm. Others unfortunately had the whole poopy mess land on their doorsteps.
I figure as long as you meet their basic needs, don't abuse them and encourage them to have healthy relationships with their bio parents you're doing all right. You don't have to love them, but at least treat them as good as you would a nephew, cousin... Or any other distant relative. If they treat you like crap, let dh be a dad and enjoy some alone time when they visit.... Bubble baths, shopping, friend time... Whatever.
"I figure as long as you meet
"I figure as long as you meet their basic needs, don't abuse them and encourage them to have healthy relationships with their bio parents you're doing all right. You don't have to love them, but at least treat them as good as you would a nephew, cousin... Or any other distant relative. If they treat you like crap, let dh be a dad and enjoy some alone time when they visit.... Bubble baths, shopping, friend time... Whatever."
Thank you! This is the exact advice I joined this blog to find... Bubble Baths sound great.
I can tolerate one of them.
I can tolerate one of them. Most of the time anyway. The other one, I can't stand!!!
Wow. all the responses were
Wow. all the responses were so honest and genuine! I LOVED it! Everyone had such truthful insights that Ive never thought to look at the issue from that point of view before. Thank you everyone for helping me come to a better understanding!!
I do not like them one bit.
I do not like them one bit. They are all adults. They no longer live off of us, but that doesn't change them.
As time goes on, I hope for more of their non-existence.