Well, I don't really know where to start.

I have a 9 month old daughter and an almost 5 year old stepson and I'm struggling. I have been with DH since before my stepson was born - he and I started seeing each other when his ex was just past three months pregnant after she 'tricked' him into impregnating her and then walked out on him (by her own admission - yes, she's a truly lovely lady :P). The rest of her pregnancy was very stressful on both DH and I with her running off and disappearing on various occasions, rumors that the baby may not be DH's and other stuff and when he called me and told me his son had been born I sat down, cried and got really rather drunk (I have never behaved like that before or since).

If I had known how much I would hate and resent being a stepmother I can quite honestly say I never would have decided to date my DH in the first place and I still question my sanity in marrying him.

We recently had two years living overseas and quite honestly, I loved it though I still resented his phone called back to his son, which I in turn felt horribly guilty for and in a moment of such guilt I suggested moving back to England despite the fact that I didn't actually want to and that I didn't want my daughter, who was born overseas, growing up in England.

Now it's just... ugh! I hate it! I actually feel like it's taking away from the experience of mothering my daughter. Simple things like I can't decorate a girly room for her because my stepson has to share with her when he comes to stay... it really upsets me and I resent it! Then in turn I feel horrible, mean, nasty and guilty and it's all one big circle basically.

I thought it would get easier, but it's not. Now his mother has had words with DH about the fact that there are jealously issues between my stepson and his other sister over the fact that she gets to see her dad a lot more than he comes to stay with us and that she has her own room etc when she goes to see her dad but he comes here and has to share a room with his younger sister and doesn't feel very at home here.

I'm at my wits end. It makes me very sad that he doesn't feel comfortable or at home here and I already knew because he told me so himself just this weekend. He complains that he doesn't have enough toys (to be fair, we have very little for either child but he doesn't see it that way). I know some of it is time but I just don't know what to do and at the same time I feel like I've just had this whole drama thrust upon me and I just want to pack me and DD up and go home to Australia.

We had him every weekend for about three months initially and have now settled into a pattern of every second weekend and I honestly don't think I can cope with the idea of having him here more than that! It's like DH switches off when he's here. Suddenly he becomes helpless and useless and I feel like the maid, not a mother, stepmother and wife.

On top of it all I'm so angry at DH over it. I never used to be. I often wish SS didn't exist, then I feel horribly guilty about it, but I get so angry at DH for not having the sense to use a condom and believing that she couldn't fall pregnant (which she admitted was a lie). To make matters worse recently I've been getting so wound up about it all that I keep involuntarily imagining DH and his ex... er... doing 'things' together and I get so, so upset. I'm on the waiting list for counselling and to be honest it can't come fast enough. I spend so much time just wanting to go home and wanting to pack up and leave but then I don't want to do that to my daughter.

I don't really know what I wanted to get out of this post, I just needed to vent I think.