Confused step mama
Hey everyone! I'm new here, but I have a little situation that has been difficult for me to deal with. I have a stepson who is 7 years old, whom I love very much & get along with. My only concern is that I feel like my husband is OBSESSED with him & doesn't seem to care much about our son who will be born in 3 months (I'm 6 months pregnant). We only see my stepson every other weekend & Wednesdays for 4 hours, so I understand how my husband missing him can cause him to spoil him like he does and have no discipline whatsoever with him, but I feel like it's getting to be too much!
I feel bad for feeling this way, but I can't help it. Every weekend he comes we buy him a new toy of his choice, get him happy meals everyday, let him sleep in our bed. My husband is always going above & beyond for him to give him WHATEVER he wants (Honestly more than I've ever seen a parent do). That isn't even the worse part for me though. I'm concerned my husband will always be like this with stepson & not pay attention to our son. He doesn't seem interested in our son at all. I send him ultrasound pics & he barely comments on them & doesn't even save them to his phone. Never asks about him, etc. When I mention things we need for the baby, he will always say, "What about ***** ?" Or he'll bring up something stepson needs instead. He buys stepson Nintendo Switches & Xbox games, but says we don't have the money right now & need to save for things baby NEEDS like bassinet, etc.
He also made the comment that stepson will always be his favorite because he has a hard life not having both his parents together *sad* that honestly broke my heart!!! How can he tell me that & expect me to feel happy? I did the 3D ultrasound and told hubby that our baby has his nose and looks like his twin and his response was, "no he isn't, "stepson" is my twin". Also, he said when baby is born, he will be sleeping is stepsons room with him so stepson won't be bothered by the babies cry. Doesn't he think I'll need help with the baby during the night? Stepson is 7 years old & is old enough to sleep alone.
I am dealing with comments like this on a daily basis & there are wayyy to many to tell you all on here. It's making me sad to bring our precious baby boy into this world with a father who will treat him less than!! I never expected it to be like this & I need some encouragement! Idk if I'm overly sensitive due to being pregnant or what, but if you guys can please validate that the feelings I'm feeling are normal, I would really appreciate it! I thought this would be a happy time for us, but I'm feeling really down about it. I even feel bitter & revengeful feelings creeping up & feel really guilty about them. I just feel I've given stepson my all and have treated him well, loved him, cared for him, etc & hubby doesn't even seem to care about our son together. It could be guilty father syndrome? Idk... I NEED ADVICE!!!!
What about this idiot is so
What about this idiot is so appealing to you? He is a failed husband to his X, failed father to your SS, failed man, and is failing as your partner. It is time to stop being his victim and put your foot up his ass. IMHO.
Do not postpone purchasing what is needed for the baby. Drain the accounts and buy what is needed. When DH cries that he cannot baby is failed family progeny, tell him "tough shit, man up, and be the husband to me and father to our STB son that you should be. Or... you will suffer. Count on it."
His plan to sleep with SS is a non starter. I would inform him that he will not leave your marrital bed and if he does he and SS can move out immediately. Then go buy a small compressed air horn. When you brind the baby home and the baby is crying in the middle of the night and DH does not do his share of baby care... walk into SS's room where Daddy and the devil spawn are sleeping and blast the air horn and tell him to get his useless ass up and be a father. Then go back to bed.
Do you really want your new baby exposed to this idiot and his shallow and polluted failed family gene pool? Leave, take it all, nail his ass for a ton of CS, and get your baby as far away from this train wreck for as long as you can. If he is born in a different State you can go a long way to controlling access.
Yes, your feelings are perfectly normal for the situation you are experiencing. I am so sorry you are in this situation and that that POS is such an asshole.
smh
Get that man to counselling
Get that man to counselling YESTERDAY! He is unrealistic, insulting, hurtful and wasteful and doesn't even realize it. He is living in a fantasy world where he is using his son to get his materialistic and emotional kicks. He needs to wake up to the real world where he is soon to have a second child and that he can't continue to pretend that he only has your SS. Does he go to your scans with you? The chances are that the baby isn't quite "real" to him yet - maybe taking him to doc visits will get the message through that he's about to be a dad for the second time. Did bm expect him to share baby duty with SS or did she do it all?
Secondly, get that child out of your bed. He should never have been there in the first place. Just imagine what bm could make of that if she wanted to cause trouble. Protect yourself. Also, ask your DuH how he'd feel if his son was sleeping with his ex's boyfriend or husband...
Is there any way OH does not
Is there any way OH does not realise that his words are meaning so much to you? Maybe it's offhand comments about his son are meant in a humorous way?
I dont think it's likely however...just trying to question if maybe you told him it is hurtful, he may see? Ask how he would feel if you did that about his son?
Let's look at what you can control here. You can't make your OH care about your child, and that sucks. I guarantee he will feel a bit differently when he is born though, maybe not as much as you want or expect. You can keep your money aside and buy things for the baby, 6 months in you should be starting to buy him what he needs. (I hope you're not sharing money!) You can't help him parent this child either..or fix his parenting issues. I would suggest that he considers the long term effects of his actions and leave that matter where it is. I would then tell him straight about your marital bed (as others have said), your bedroom is your space with your partner. End of. No co-sleeping with you or in your bed. If he wants to do that with his son you can't stop him but you can with yours. Stop sending him updates on the baby unless he asks and cherish the end of your pregnancy with your mum and friends etc it'll soon be over and that beautiful baby bump and kicks will be missed I assure you! As for how you're feeling, it is normal and I would be the same, if not worse. Without a pregnancy this relationship he has doesn't sound healthy for SS and in years to come there will be so many problems. At 7, kids are pretty tough and adaptable but not if they're treated like China.
So I would say to you, focus on what you have power to do and do it. Enrich your life with your baby bump and try to redirect your mind to your future son and becoming a mum! It's going to be difficult, and IMHO I also would be considering sorting the issue with OH not being what you're worth before it gets really complicated. I would try the above and tell him how you feel, if he doesn't acknowledge that...well that speaks volumes.
Do you feel the wind in your
Do you feel the wind in your hair from the storm approaching? Oh hell, I feel for you and where this situation is heading.
There is nothing you can do to get him to change his ways, if you mention or try to talk about it he will become offended and defensive. Him realizing what he is doing is going to really have to come on his own accord and chances are it isn't going to be until you've seen, suffered, and are bloodied and hurt after how you thought things should go vs how they are going to go.
That poor kid. (his kid). .the monster he is creating with that mentality. Whoa. Dealt with something similar - we just survived our first weekend without her after I nixed her from me and my kids lives - he went away for the weekend with her and I haven't felt this good - not even good just okay in a LOOONG time.
You will begin to resent his son something terrible if he does not change.. I'm not sure you can really prepare yourself for that but know that you are welcome to come here and blow off the steam and you aren't a bad person for feeling the feelings that you are definitely going to be blindsided with.