Straw Has Broken This Camel's Back
So went on a nice 10 day vacation from 23rd-1st. First 3 days were with girlfriends, 1 day alone time and then DH joined me for the last 6 days. It was *almost* perfect and we had a great time 99.5% of the time.
The .5% of the time we didn't have a great time was whenever the BM was texting and wanting money again. 
She text DH telling him her kid (Pseudo SS8) wants a Queen bed. Nothing is wrong with his current Full size bed mind you. She asked DH what did he think about it? (That's the set up). He said that's fine as that is what he sleeps on when visiting here. Next text from her was "I found a bed for $600. So your half is $300". Of course his wimp ass says okay. But that's not enough for her. An hour later she says "Oh and I forgot, I don't have any linens that size so I'll get the bedding and stuff and let you know what your half is". Think that's enough?? NOPE! A full 2 days later she Text "Oh I forgot and my brother reminded me that you owe me a queen size bed as you took one when we divorced. So we will split bed and linens but you're buying the mattress". He did not respond but I know he'll try.
I'm livid. I'm thinking of finally confronting her. I'm going to talk to him and give him one last chance to talk to her first. If he declines to do so, I'm stepping in. Why she thinks he needs a Queen bed when nothing is wrong with his full bed is beyond me. And why does she think DH should be buying furniture for her house and why she thinks he's to get a new queen bed for some old ass bed from over 7 years ago is bad enough. But the fact that she thinks he OWES her anything for helping her raise her little bastard she had out of an affair---Fuck that. That's the straw that broke this camels back. Money out of our house over and over and over for her fucking seed. She has never paid half of anything when he's here!
If I say something to her, it's going to create bigger issues for he and I because he's going to be blaming me, esp if she pretends he'll no longer get to see the boy. Plus even if the outcome is what I want-- a balanced relationship between them- I'll be even more livid with him for being the one who had to do it, for pushing me this far after 3 years of this. HE should be manning up and doing this and I have lost respect for him for being her doormat. But this whole bed shit and "owe me" for some reason takes the cake for me. How the hell does he owe her anything for being the only Father her ill-conceived brat has ever known?? Consequences be damned but I'm not putting up with this anymore. He's going to have to change how he deals with her or I'm leaving and he lay down and get walked over with no interference from me!
Just venting...
He's going to have to change
He's going to have to change how he deals with her or I'm leaving and he lay down and get walked over with no interference from me!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I normally would say to try and work on it. buuuut...your DH is giving WAY to much to this woman.
Of course I don't want to
Of course I don't want to leave--it's my freaking marriage so that is the last option. But I don't make threats--I will leave and it's not an ultimatum to him--it's my decision. So him talking to her about the ways she takes advantage, to me would be the start of him changing how he deals with her so that's the same thing.
He can feel however he wants about he kid and I've never tried to interfere with that. What is and has always been my issue is how he allows both of them to walk all over him. He can be the Father without being their doormat. And yes it's household money and it takes away from our savings for our future. The key here is not the money clearly. It's watching someone being taken advantage of by someone who is ungrateful and unappreciative. No matter who a person is, you don't want to see that happening to them.
I understand how frustrating
I understand how frustrating it is. My DH is raising 2 that he found out aren't biologically his. They live with us. The BM is in another state and has the same entitled attitude you mentioned. She does nothing at all for them. In the past she has had the nerve to question DH about things such as why one was bought more school clothes than the other. She seems like she thinks he is supposed to do these things. I really have no idea what goes through these women's minds.
Kendall, they are Succubus's
Kendall, they are Succubus's so what goes through their minds is greed and control and power trips for managing to pull off having other Men raise their miscellaneous offspring. My question is What goes through these Men's head!?? Loving a child is one thing and loving a child that's not yours is possible. But to be full on singularly raising them AND tolerating the mayhem and demands from the POS's that gave birth to them?? That's what I don't get. Love'm, be their Dads for their sake's and all that jazz. But F*ck taking any sh*t from the birthers!
What is it you like about
What is it you like about this guy which encouraged you to marry him? I suspect its the same traits hes exhibiting now. If so you can't have it both ways.
It's not his biological son? Wow I'd sure throw that back in her face whenever she wanted more money. I suspect once would be enough.
Orange, this is a real case
Orange, this is a real case of it changed to something on a different level after we married. Traits I saw in him-- sense of humor, kindness in general, hard-worker, made an effort to make something of his life, loved spending time doing things outside, encouraging. I like that he's nice enough to be this kids father. I don't like that he's a pushover though. He is NOT a pushover in all areas of his life--just this situation, so it's not like with me or with work or anything that he's a big wimp. And the BM wasn't so into our lives as she is now. He had SS8 a couple times per week, 1-2 nights. Once we married, she had her fat surgery (month before) and lost weight and went nuts going out all the time. Then we had him 3-4 nights and all kinds of other stuff. She felt secure I guess that she had 2 built-in babysitters and he had more income now with mine so she could ask for more and more. Then she really ramped it up last year when she started dating this new guy who we think influences her to ask for even more as she's now on the whole 'half of everything' kick as if he owes her support or something. So before marriage, this was not such an issue. No, I wasn't blind, things actually changed.
This situation has a hold on him for some deeper reasons and if he had therapy or help with resolving his issues, he'd handle and look at this more balanced, I believe. But that's up to him to see and if he can't, then I can't stay in a situation like this.
Hell no on a bed...That is
Hell no on a bed...That is insane. Her house, her problem....I would lay down one hell of an ultimatum. Also, no communication with BM that is not in an email.
I second this
I second this statement!^^^^^^ I would have never married DH if he hadn't drawn CLEAR lines with both BM and SD...
My DH's exwife asked to use
My DH's exwife asked to use our spare car. When I said no she said well it's in his name, I want him to tell me no. Nothing is ever enough for some people. Until he starts saying, I can't answer that right now I'll get back to you and gives himself time to discuss issue with you and think, he'll always take the easy way out and just say yes.
Really?!
:O
Really?!
BM used to pull that too the
BM used to pull that too the first year he and I were together. She always had a reason to need to use DH truck. She wanted to pick something up, drop something off, clean something out. She also always called him when something broke in her home--free repairs to stuff, free repairs to cars. BUT DH did put a stop to that when I mentioned how often she was always using him, esp for things that weren't related to the kid. This was before marriage and now I realize he was just trying to 'get me' then and did show a backbone until the day we got married, literally. BM uses everyone in her life and he can see that; he actually points it out to me when she's using up her brothers and her friends to do stuff for her, to make her life easier and kid free. (When she's not dumping her kid on us, she dumps him on others). So why he can see it when she does it to everyone else and why he can talk trash about her for not being a better Mom, but then still let her manipulate him is beyond me...
I finally had to "point"
I finally had to "point" these things out too to DH after we were married, years ago. Then BM tried to use the kid to "get in." I think when DH finally heard that both, BM AND SS8 were at least twice a day passing through our suburb without a thought, and then BM would need a break and use the old, "SS wants to come over" act. BS. He knows it too.
When SS moved in with BM she
When SS moved in with BM she asked DH if she could have SS's bed (that I bought for him).
I guess she couldn't afford to buy him a bed. :?
Thanks Tx. It's definitely
Thanks Tx. It's definitely adding up, esp this year. It's just so never ending; one thing after another after another! We just purchased all of his school clothes and supplies because she refused. She didn't pay half, I can bet you that. I keep wondering when she'll just be grateful that her son has a great Father who is choosing to be the father, out of love. He doesn't have to do anything at all so anything he does do, you'd think any courteous human would appreciate and not push. But instead she feels entitled to more and more and more and is never thankful. It's disgusting. We do a lot for that child and I've made so many concessions for the sake of peace and finally I'm just done with it. I wasn't going to tell him "Stop or else". I plan to ask him if he's going to buy the whole bed set and if he doesn't have a problem with it, I know I'm going to walk away -but I will let her know what I think of her sh*t first. We've had talks and talks and he will even agree with me but it only lasts while there's nothing going on. As soon as she asks again, he forgets all that we discussed. So every route I've tried and even ones he initiate, fail because he never follows through.
When I pointed out after BS1
When I pointed out after BS1 was born that BM was getting lots more money in C/S than BS1 could ever dream of getting for his own needs, he woke the fuck up quick to her shit. BM tried to ask DH for school supplies knowing that we were almost hungry and DH came out and handed BM a pencil and notepad that was in our desk... }:)
smack in her face.
In my situation my BF's XW
In my situation my BF's XW took him thru the ringer and then some during their 9 year marriage, the divorce, and still. He now has to pay 230.00 per week for ONE kid. Plus carry kid & bm on his med ins. She has 5 kids from 4 different men, We BOTH know that 230.00 a week does NOT pay for JUST that kid!!! She is extremely high maintenance, frequently gets hair dyed, nails done, fake-n-bake tanning, trades up new cars every 1-2 years...you name it!!!
She knows how to push his buttons and get him going...that was until I stepped in and said enough is enough wake the F up and smell the coffee!!! She is a gold digging whore and wants a free ride, well, not on my mans dime ANYMORE!!!
So...when my BF put me on his cell phone plan WE decided together and gave her my cell # and said that was my BF's new number. Whenver she texts I am the one responding to her and I will fwd all of the msgs from her to him and he will either tell me what to say or I will reply to her texts. I do not reply to anything unless it is KID RELATED!!! When she starts being stupid, which is for 95% of the texts, I just IGNORE. She does not get a reply or any acknowledgement unless it is needed. AS IT SHOULD BE!!!
My BF NO LONGER gives her or their kid a PENNY more than the 230.00 per week that is COURT ORDERED!!! He is only required by law to pay 230.00 per week and half for medical/dental ONLY!! And believe me we make sure that is ALL they get!!!
This works great for us!!! I am a BM too, so I know ALL the bs games and greediness that some of these douchebag women possess. So I dont put up with it!!! My sons father is NOT involved in his life at all, he pays CS every month. I dont bother him or demand anything of him or from him UNLESS it is kid/CS related. Period!!! As long as he pays what he is supposed to he can do whatever and whoever he wants and I dont give two shits!!!
You need to talk to yur DH and let him know how you feel and both of you need to communicate how to be on the same page and how to communicate with BM so that she no longer has ANY control on your marriage, time, finances, etc. He owes her NOTHING!!!! And he needs to man up and let her know it!!!
I wish you the best
It was part of their divorce
It was part of their divorce agreement, not sure how he got roped into that either. But, if the cost of his insurance was to go up she either gets her own insurance or she has to contribute towards the cost of his insurance.
Yeah I don't know how she
Yeah I don't know how she figures HE owes her anything! He is raising a child she had out of an affair during their marriage. And I don't mean half-ass raising--he's in there deep trying to be a Father to this kid. Yet that's not enough for her and she will not concede one damn thing for him. She is talking about him OWING her one pissy ass old bed which was the ONLY thing he took out of that damn house when they divorced. He didn't want anything else. But since he took it out of the house, she figures that means he OWES her one now. That's how she thinks... sorry piece of sh*t.
BM "Games" do NOT work on me
BM "Games" do NOT work on me either. Um, hello stupid BM? I am a BM too, you know? Trumped.
I mean, sure I thought about
I mean, sure I thought about this. IF BS20 dad had EVER remarried, of course I would be a bit "curious" BUT, I don't care. I have my own life and he did his thing and blah blah blah. I would NEVER invade his home and life though. So what, you know?
As hard and as frustrating as
As hard and as frustrating as this may be for you, IMHO, you need to step back and stay out of this. This is money discussion that is between DH and BM.
This does not preclude you from having a "come-to-Jesus" conversation with your DH about money and your finances. Mainly, your expectations regarding CS and helping out with extras for SS. Be very clear on what your perspective is regarding extra money from your household going to BM. Then ask DH to explain what his expectations are regarding money going to BM. Flip the script; make the focus of the conversation about your household – you and DH - and your finances, not about BM and her demands.
It may be helpful to list everything in the past 3-months that you guys have paid for in extras for SS plus the CS. Make a budget – line items could include – groceries, utilities, gas, mortgage/rent, ins., extras for SS, and CS.
My DH never understood my frustration with paying for extras until we did our budget. He never included CS as part of the budget because the state debits it from his paycheck (so in his mind it was never there). When I included it he was livid at first, but then when it started to sick in and he saw it (CS) plus all the extras he was paying for he started to look at things from my perspective.
With regards to helping pay for a bed that is at BM’s house, IMO, that falls under CS. So I would have advised your DH to respond with "that's what CS is for." And as another poster stated, I’d have DH ask BM to produce the “I Owe You” section of the DD.
~BettyRay
I told him that I just want
I told him that I just want him to stop being run over by her at every turn. He feels he has to do whatever she says or else she'll take him away from him. I suggested if he's scared of that, he take her to court for set visitation and child support. That'd be better than having her intervene in our lives and wallets all the damn time. But he doesn't want that either. So I don't know what he wants and I'm starting not to care.
You're right. He needs to
You're right. He needs to set up child support and custody through the courts to level the playing field. How were they able to divorce without a custody agreement?
~BettyRay
Betty, it's not his child.
Betty, it's not his child. After their 3rd or 4th year of marriage, she had a fling and the child was the result, which ultimately lead to their divorce. However he wanted to stay in the childs life as his Father as he'd created a bond by time he found out it was not his and b/c DH doesn't know his own Father which creates some unhealthy attachment issues in him. There is no legal arrangement of visitation/custody because she wasn't 'sure' how involved she'd let him be at the time so they agreed to work out visitation on their own. As for CS, the one thing DH had put in divorce decree was that she could never come after him for CS and she agreed so that's the legal story. Turns out she doesn't want to be a Parent so we've had almost 50% custody of him by our own means and we've probably paid more and did more for him than CS would order so she's on top by both accounts.
BM swears real father does not know and will never know the boy exists though we believe that to be a lie. Anyway, no help from whomever he is. Boy doesn't even know DH is not his Father (yet). She's spiteful, difficult, entitled, unappreciative, greedy and lazy. DH knows she doesn't want the child so we are really all he has so DH just tries not to ruffle her feathers so he bows to her consistently, allowing himself to be used greatly. That is the core problem.
It's not about Money (however if it were, money that comes out of our household/my pocket is my business). But it's about her taking constant advantage of his good heart and his inability to stop her. He can be the kids Dad but he doesn't have to be her doormat to do so. I hit my limit yesterday and we had a huge Come-to-Jesus talk yesterday after I made the original post. It's to the point that no matter what we do, what DH does, it's never enough. He acknowledged this yesterday and said he was going to work out a better way of dealing with her so that's a start and we shall see.
I'm sorry I didn't realize SS
I'm sorry I didn't realize SS wasn't DH's bio, you are far more generous than I would be.
In some states if your DH is on the birth certificate in the eyes of the court he would be the parent and have leagal rights to visitation - just a thought. If your DH is considered to have legal parental rights he(you) may be able to pursue a parenting plan and file it with the courts. Court ordered visitation may stop BM from making so many demands.
You guys a really stuck, I can totally understand why your DH gives in to BM all time. Another option might be for you and your DH to come up with a monthly dollar amount that your BOTH willing to give to BM when she demands it. After that money is exhausted it's no to more demands till the next month.
~BettyRay
I've suggested $200 per month
I've suggested $200 per month and visits one weekend per month, alternate Holidays and 1 week per June, July and August. DH job transferred us a few months ago to location 4hrs away so now we drive 2-2.5hrs to meet her to do pick ups and drop offs and this happens up to 3 weekends per month since May when we moved! This doesn't count the 2 weeks in June, the 11 days in July and the 9 in August--all of which I was the primary babysitter as I work from home now and DH works 6 days per week. DH works EVERY Sunday and I'm not willing to watch him except 1 per month at this point. I too have been taken advantage of and allowed to try to keep DH happy but 3 years of this is enough!
When we lived in same town, we used to pick him up from school several days per week and kept him until
even though she get off at 5p. She had Bible study or gym or drinks to go have or a man to go see all the damn time so she'd make her plans and THEN let us know what we were going to do to accommodate her. It is never asking or checking first and then making her plans based on our abilities to watch him. So this is the kind of advantage that I'm done with. We kept him overnight 3-4 nights per week-often unplanned and unknown until last minute, such as we'd pick him up and plan to take him home later as agreed but she'd find a reason to leave him with us. we had him every single Holiday from Mothers day to Christmas to Easter to July 4th--we ALWAYS had him and she has no pics or anything of holidays with him in the last 4 years because he's been with us and my family. We also kept him weeks at a time whenever she was jetsetting off to Vegas or Islands which she always did without him. We took him to and from practices every Sat morning, every Wednesday, took him to every game, bought everything he needed for them, paid all fees, etc etc. So we were constantly inundated by this child and his Mother. This is the big picture of why I'm fed up.
It's not legally his child so
It's not legally his child so he has no legal rights. No custody agreement could exist for this child and the father. Sad, but she holds the cards if he wants to see the child.
Exactly. She should be
Exactly. She should be grateful that he's there in the ways that count--the time, the effort, the showing up and sticking with this kid. If he/we voluntarily do anything more than that, great. But nope, she makes demands even as she brags about her income and stuff so it's not even a financial need for her--it's control and usury and manipulation and he allows it out of his love for this kid.
I agree Ripley. And I fear
I agree Ripley. And I fear this is going to happen soon -that she's going to rip him away- because the child is a different Race than DH. He is almost 9 years old and he's been questioning his race differences for almost 2 years and the questions are getting progressively more direct. But neither DH nor BM will answer him and keep giving him the dumb toddler answer of "we're special". But he's too old to buy that now. So I figure she's going to eventually have to answer this question and after she does, the charade is up and she can start filtering DH out of her/his life. She treats him like a babysitter, not a Coparent and always implies that he is just 'good enough' for now. If she gets this current man to marry her, then her whole little family will be all the same race and DH will be put to the outside I'm sure and he'll be devastated. He is afraid that even with a legal visitation that the kid will not want to come around when he learns the truth about his paternity so he is worried about even going for it and having a big costly battle. It's a mess. Lies that go on and on and create big old messes like this.
You don't have to answer this
You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but what races are we talking about here? How has a kid this old not figured it out already? Or do you think he has figured it out and is just waiting for an adult to confirm it?
I'm only hesitant to answer
I'm only hesitant to answer that sometimes because people can be so nasty about race as it is and this has nothing to do with the reasons I can't stand her or why she behaves as she does, but it's pertinent to your direct question so I'll answer. DH is white, child and BM, Black. I'm thinking he's starting to really figure it out and is probably waiting on a confirmation. There's always been a lot of looks and questions from innocent kids of all races and particularly bi-racial ones when he points out his Father. Also curious adults ask questions too like is he adopted, etc.
Since his Ex is Black, she is not subjected to the questions we get when we are out so she is unaware of the things he's going through unless we tell her about incidents. So besides his skin being very dark (in no way able to mistaken for bi-racial), there's all of this external stuff so for sure he is very close to figuring it out and questions he's asking directly about how he is black. I can't imagine he'll get much older before realizing this is the case. When he was younger that was all explainable as "we're special". But not as he's older...not going to work.
Sorry if that question put
Sorry if that question put you feeling aquward. I only ask because my kids are biracial (white and Hispanic) and my BS3 has already noticed that mommy and daddy aren't the same color and questioned which color he is.
I bet your SS knows already and is just keeping quiet about it. I find it hard to believe that a nine yr old would still be in the dark over it, if it is as obvious as you say. He will probably have a lot of anger over being lied to.... The longer this lie continues the more angry and confused he will be.
No, didn't, just careful
No, didn't, just careful about answering it b/c in past people (who don't know what race I am
will jump on that from either side and it takes away from the real issue so that's why I hesitate. I came around when he was 4 and so I don't know if when he was younger he asked but since they had the story of "We're special" as to how he was to answer anyone who questioned it, I had to guess he did ponder. DH claimed he wanted to tell him when he was 4 b/c he wanted it to be normal when he started school. But BM wouldn't allow it and said she'd do it in her time. But she never did. Now he says "I don't understand how a white person can make a black person" and if he gets a smudgy answer he asks again "Still don't make sense to me. It's creepy".
I can guess he doesn't know for sure maybe because he's somewhat immature for his age. He acts 2 and 20 at the same time if that makes sense: babyish pouting and need for attention but a smart ass mouth and always interjecting his opinion in grown folk discussions. But I can't imagine a freaking 9 yr old who now knows there's no Santa or Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny will not realize this soon.
I was not aware that he wasn't his bio until I met him after DH and I became serious. I'd not seen pictures except a few from his newborn days. It was later still when I learned he didn't even know it. That is awful and changes everything b/c this could be very catastrophic. I started researching what to expect from child and how we are to handle this when it's exposed. From what I've read from adoption boards and been told by child psychs is that they should know as early as possible in age appropriate stages and that the worse time to tell them is from 9-18. It's best if they don't know by 9 to not tell them until they are out of HS. But that won't work in this case due to the race difference and so now we are in that worse window basically... I dread the fallout for DH but he's at fault for this dragging on so long as a lie. Good intentions gone bad...
Again I agree. She has no
Again I agree. She has no power over him and won't -at this point- try to take SS8 away because she's too heavily reliant on us for babysitting and anything else she can get out of us. So if he had legal backing, which he can get since he's acknowledged as the Father, he'd have some rights later when she does try after figuring she doesn't need us anymore. He doesn't realize he holds the cards.
Our Marriage, which is awesome in all other ways, is fraying as a result of this situation and his inability/unwillingness to handle it. It's creating a build up of resentment, disappointment and disconnection that I'm trying to prevent from spilling over but when she's always always always interjecting into our lives, it's impossible. 3 years I've been coming in 3rd to her whims over this kid. If it was needed stuff or planned or set up with our cooperation, that'd be acceptable. We can have plans and they'll be tossed for hers. If we would be greatly inconvenienced by her needs, instead of saying no, DH will simply greatly inconvenience us. For example: Dh getting up at 4a, going to work for 2 hrs, coming home and getting SS8 ready for school and dropping him off, then going back to work plus having to work an hour later to make up his time, was an often occurrence all because BM decided the night before, to go to bed instead of picking him up after she did whatever she claimed to do. Or otherwise DH go in at 6, then I'd have to get up at 7 to get him ready and take him to school myself and be late for work due to when his school started. That kind of stuff vs just telling her she has to come get him the night before, so it's all willy-nilly and at her command and I'm sick of the lapdog behaviors from DH and the arrogance of BM and the growing brattiness of her kid. It's taking it's toll...