Is This A Fair Deal
Okay so quick summary: Lazy, Greedy, Manipulative, unappreciative BM. Non-Bio SS8 born of an affair. DH remained Father role, but divorced. Wimpy DH afraid to take legal action or ruffle BM's feathers for fear of her removing SS from his life. No legal CS or Visitation ordered. No legal right for BM to ever file for CS (per Divorce decree). Lucky for her she doesn't have to as wimpy DH readily hands over whatever she demands. As for the visitation, it's whenever she says so. No notice, rarely asked-just told so constant dropping or changing of our plans. Ranges from 1 day to 2 weeks plus every single school break, Holiday, right down to damn Cinco de Mayo, literally, plus misc errands so on an almost daily basis we had to deal with her. I'm often the main babysitter as DH works 6 days a week. April '12 with 3 week notice, DH job of 25 yrs transferred us 4hrs away but it didn't slow down the BM-we just drive more now to meet her. Had him 3 weekends in a row in May while we were still unpacking. School went out and he was then here half the Summer. School has been in for a week and she's already trying to sort out when she can send him back on weekends. 3+ years of this sh*t. So that's the summary.
It's about to wreck our marriage. Today is our anniversary and we have been in such stress the past 2 days about her latest demand that we buy her brat a Queen Sized bed b/c it's "owed" to her, that we literally forgot until like an hour ago that it was our Anniversary. 
So in talking to a close friend and some people here, it was suggested to come up with a proposal to present to DH on how we can reign in all of this. Here's what I've come up with and I want to know what you think, if it's fair, etc:
-$200 per month for as long as we can we comfortably afford it. (Avg now is closer to $400mth, asked for in Half's of this or that, AFTER she's made singular decisions on what she's buyin. With no warning, planning our savings & budget is always unpredictable).
-1 weekend per Month Fri p.m-Sun p.m. (DH works every Sat a.m & all day Sunday so I'll have him on the Sunday).
-1 week each in June, July and August from Fri p.m- following Sat evening. DH must take at least half of each week off, as I will be working. This Summer it was all me 75% of the time.
-Alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving Holidays. (For past 4 yrs he's been with us at my family house for each holiday. DH is not close to most of his family so by default, its mine that we are with).
-We show up & participate on his Bday and for important events and as many Soccer meets as we can.
GOAL: Gain peace, stability and predictability and to stop the BM's assumptions that she can use us without even asking and of taking advantage of DH. BACK-UP plan: Ask DH to provide his idea if he rejects this one. Final Plan: Divorce I can't live like it is now.
Thoughts, suggestions please?
Wait...let me get this
Wait...let me get this straight...it's not even your DH's actual biological child? And he lets BM shove him around....over a kid that's not even his???? Is that right?
That's what I have gathered
That's what I have gathered from prior posts.
Correct redwings. Not his.
Correct redwings. Not his.
You have it straight...
You have it straight...
There is something wrong with
There is something wrong with this picture!! Even if he loves this kid...WTH is he bending over like this? Does the kid know that DH is not his bio father?
Willow, no, he does not know
Willow, no, he does not know yet. He's figuring it out as they are different races and there's no mistaking it. But DH head is in the sand about that.
I don't even know how to
I don't even know how to respond to this. If it were me, I'd be sitting DH down and asking him if risking his marriage for a child that's not even his is something he wants to consider doing?
I've asked and he said "no
I've asked and he said "no one will come between him and his son"... So that means me too I guess. If you read my response to Wowthisishard, you'll get a fuller picture of this ridiculousness.
Got it, loud and clear. This
Got it, loud and clear. This has everything to do with your husband's past, just like Wowthisishard said. Unfortunately, that means you take a backseat to this kid, always. Are you going to be able to live that way, knowing your husband will ALWAYS choose this child over you and your needs?
I'm so sorry you're facing this. I am truly lucky for the way things were handled in my situation.
I wish I could help! I wish I had magic words of comfort and advice that could see you through it all. I'm so sad that I don't.
No, I'm not willing which is
No, I'm not willing which is why my last option listed is Divorce. I hope he gets counseling and heals enough to put this whole thing in perspective and get his head out of the fantasy. The only thing I can imagine will save this marriage is an outside objective professional perspective trying to get his head clear. He is hesitant to listen to me as he thinks my motives are self-serving (and to the degree that I want to be happy, they are!) so anything I say about BM, he hears as something against the boy. His filter is broken. But he has to go to counseling first before there's any true chance of helping. In the interim, I'm trying whatever placebo's I can to find the balance to save us. Even if she finally tells SS that DH is not his Father, he's going to be wrecked b/c there goes his fantasy and this could get even worse as he tries to claw and hold on to this thing to keep the holes in his heart at bay. So again, only true thing I see helping is for him to seek professional help (and maybe it'll help if he shakes the sh*t out of his trifling mother to force her to tell him who his Dad is so he can get some closure around that possibly) :p.
Dogperson, you're right. He's
Dogperson, you're right. He's a sullen moody kind of kid anyway and will most definitely internalize this whole thing. He will be angry, confused and embarrassed (he's big on image) and all of the questions and stuff he's gotten over the years and the lies from them even after he directly asks, will be broiling in his head. I don't know how now to break it gently as he's so old now.
Ultimately he'll be angrier with his Mom esp as he gets older and learns not only was he lied to, she hid the real Father and came out of an affair. I can't imagine what that'll do to a kid. Heck even in the past 6 months he has started calling his Mom out on her mess. When she dropped him off with us on Mothers Day weekend, he didn't want to come because he said 'Mommy I thought I was going to get to be with you on Mothers Day. I made you a card". She said "we'll be together on Sunday morning baby!" and pushed him out the truck without so much as a good bye hug. We were to meet her at 12 on Sunday and she postponed until 7p and even then sent her brother vs coming herself. She'd went to spend the day with her boyfriends Mom and didn't get back in time. Trifling. I feel for him myself which is another reason I try hard. Plus twice this Summer she punished him for telling her she is selfish and that she thinks about only herself and later he told her she never spends any time with him. So he's already starting to express discontentment and learning the truth is not going to help at all. I urged DH at the time to jump in and help the boy express himself b/c he knows it's true and he should be the one picking up that battle vs leaving it to the kid. But he's so terrified of losing out that he won't say anything to her; he'll bitch about her to me, but never tells her. He's locked in by his own childhood fears... pitiful mess.
Wowthisishard, I wish I could
Wowthisishard, I wish I could hug you now. You hit the nail on the head. I've been trying so hard to help him understand that his abnormal attachment to this child & control allowed by BM is more about his own childhood voids than anything else. It's love yes and he loves the child yes. And he for sure says "I'd never do that to a child. It's not child's fault" and that's so true. BUT he is so out of balance with HOW he does it, that it's clearly about more than that.
His whole relationship with BM extends from the holes in his life from his childhood and BM takes full advantage of those holes. The BM did EXACTLY what his own Mother did -had a kid from an affair and won't tell who the Father is & pinned someone else name on kid. DH is 43 and to this day His Mom won't tell him who his Father is and his last name is from a man he only saw 2 times in his life-one of Mom's fleeting husband's. (His mom didn't raise him, dumped him in an orphanage when he was 2 & her Mom found out and went and got him and raised him til she died when he was 17). He claims there's no real impact to him not knowing his Father, declaring 'can't miss what you didn't have' but surely you can and surely he is! And he thinks because he "doesn't care" who his Dad is, SS8 won't either. He thinks this fantasy will go on forever even though it's already falling apart...
Due to a lot of stuff from his horrible Mother, DH has attachment issues, abandonment issues and needs counseling, which he agreed to do 4 months ago and will not follow up on it.
His ex is his Mom, in some very exact ways. History is repeating and he has a chance to heal himself but he won't face it. Horrible cycle set upon by awful women. Such a gawd-damned tragedy. I'm trying anything I can to make this more tolerable which is why this plan is my last hope...
Yes it does. The universe
Yes it does. The universe keeps giving us chances to become whole and to heal. The chance often comes in a challenge and the work for us is to ultimately overcome it. I've had to overcome some hurdles too and part of my challenge in this is to heal as well so I have started my counseling as we both agreed to. I can't make him, like you said. But I have to heal me in an area I thought was already healed but still has one more layer.
My Father is in my life now but he didn't raise me. He did raise someone else's children though so I had my issues with no Father and got through them, reconciled with him when my Parents reunited 20 yrs ago and through the years, worked it to a healed situation. But here I am now, back in this 'space' of not being first in the life of a Man in whom I'm supposed to be first. Should have been Daddy's little girl, right, but wasn't. Should be first in my Husband's eyes, right, but I'm not. Both times it's because they opted to raise children that's not theirs. Ironic, isn't it? Tricky ass Universe. Lol I woke up straight out of a dead sleep one night with this revelation. The next week, I started counseling to learn what last things I need to do to deal with and heal it with me and I'm at peace already for most part.
I am pretty okay with it now that I've recognized and acknowledged it for what it is and that part of my fight was to be first in my Husband's life vs 3rd. It was setting me up to be competitive against BM. Counseling has helped me calm down and get perspective but as agreed, yeah I'm the Spouse and really should be first. Together we'd do well for the child but this way, we're not doing our best for him because there's holes in him yet to be filled and house is out of order. It will resolve or I will take a bow and he'll have to live his tragedy alone -or at least without me.
"No one will come between him
"No one will come between him and his son" only works if it's actually HIS KID! WTF is wrong with this guy? No way would this sh!t fly with me.
He has issues. I'm not even
He has issues. I'm not even trying to come between him and the kid.