Stepkids hate me, and I don't deserve it.

Forums:

I am generally a really nice person. I have a son of my own, who just turned three. My stepkids are 8, 11, and 13. In short, a nightmare. Their BM is a complete whack job, and flies off the handle at every little thing my husband or I do, and threatens to take him back to court for custody. Of course, she's been saying that for two years and never made a move to do it. She just likes to say it because my husband will then do pretty much whatever she says to avoid it.

The kids get punished for disobeying and being mouthy, and the first thing they say is "I'm telling mom!"
I ask them nicely to do or not do something, and I'M accused of being a brat to them, and the whackjob mom is TELLING my husband that I need to watch how I talk to them or else. I have only once in the two years I've been in their life ever raised my voice to one of them, and that was barely anything. In fact, I raise my voice to and punish my own son about ten times more than I get to with them, and it's usually for something THEY caused him to do with their bad influence.

Most of the time, it just pisses me off. But honestly, it's really hurtful. I don't feel like I deserve this kind of hatred from them. I know a lot of it is getting fed to them by their freaking mom, but still. They're old enough to recognize how horrible she is, why can't they recognize how nice I really am? At least I don't slap them around like she does, or scream at them all the time, or leave marks on their legs from spanking.

We just moved, and since I don't have a job, I spend my time cleaning up after everyone because they won't do anything without an attitude and a fight, or just pretty much shut up in my room. I honestly don't like being around them whatsoever. Which means I lose out on time with my husband.

My stress level is so high, my body is actually reacting badly to it. I'm getting sick, headaches, chest pains.. it's ridiculous.

Any suggestions? Help? Commiserating?

Thanks for the reply. He does

Thanks for the reply. He does back me up, and he has said that to her and to them literally daily. That she doesn't run our house, and neither do they. No one listens.
I didn't know it was going to be like this. I can't decide whether or not it would have been a deal-breaker if I had..
The only good thing in all this is that that crackwhore of a BM is now 800 miles away, instead of 15, so all she can really do is talk. Maybe that's the only silver lining in all this!
Sigh..

Last night one of them tried

Last night one of them tried that "Mom's going to take you to court!" bullshit again, and he put soap in her mouth (after a game of Round Robin in the kitchen).. so SD10 starts screaming that she's calling mom and he told her to go right ahead.

I hate to say it, and I honestly don't like that it came to it, but he has told them time and time again that their BM straight up doesn't want them like they think, that she has never said they could come back and live with her, and she has said a hundred times she's taking him to court, but yet has never done it. The problem is that they are old enough to see all this and recognize it, but are too stubborn and immature to try to change their thinking about it.

I mean, we're talking about a 'mom' who abandoned her family once, came back six months later pregnant with someone else's son, then did it again seven years later. And they seriously want to be with her?

I can identify. My SS14 has

I can identify.

My SS14 has a father who has totally checked out of his life. SS14 has not talked to his BF in a couple of years now. The last time he actually saw his BF was about 6 years ago when he visited, and it was awful.

Even still, he told his mother that I have never been like a father to him at all, and he will just treat me as a "roommate" and nothing more -- even though I have been there for him for 6 years of my life, both emotionally and financially. He would rather go live with his father. Of course, his father won't take him.

I'm not sure why this happens. I think one day when these kids grow up, they will realize how much you really were there and how much better you were than their BM.

Oh, see, I'd LOVE to do that.

Oh, see, I'd LOVE to do that. She is like that too, letting them do whatever they want, talk however they want, it's ridiculous. She doesn't give them any chores or anything to be responsible for, any time they are with her she just takes them shopping and buys stuff. She's the fun mom too. But, as impossible as it sounds, they come back from her place even worse than they already are. She is absolutely horrible for them to be around, and they know it, but still somehow want to be there.