DH and I had another counseling appointment yesterday. I won't bore you with all the details but I left feeling very victorious. Mostly because she said some of the exact same things I've been saying to DH for a while and he won't take it from me.

1) In order for us to try to successfully blend this family, one thing I can't do it dole out punishment. (My eyebrows skyrocketed at this...) But long story short, what she was saying is that what I need to do is SUPPORT things that DH and I have talked about and punishments HE has communicated to the kids. Not make up ones of my own. Or they will always continue to see me as the perpetual bad guy.

2) In response to the situations that come up any time a punishment is handed out in which the SD13 and SD11 are always shrieking that they're going to call mom and DH is going to get in trouble and they're going to go live with her next time they visit... And also the fact that she tries to control everything in our house, even from six states away... The counselor told DH this is going to be hard for DH and said "This is where you need to be willing to lose your kids in order to keep them."

That he needs to calmly and rationally tell BM that we are trying to raise the kids right and to blend this family well, and he can't do that while they are continually running to her for rescue. That from now on, when they say they're going to live with her, he's going to give them permission.

SOOOOO... now, that puts her in the corner and forces her to act! She either has to back up what he says, or she has to be the bad guy and tell them they can't come live with her. The key is that he has to tell her first. And then the next time things come up with the bratty s/kids, he simply says "If that's what you want, then you can make it happen." NOW, if they go to their BM and say "Dad said I could come live with you!" it forces her to either sort of enforce whatever he had been saying before, or to say that they can't. Or she'll probably do what she's been doing for two years and just saying she was going 'next week' to the court to get them back. [Somehow they don't see that this has been going on for so long and nothing has happened...]

Of course, DH balked at that, as I knew he would. He said it's a really big gamble, because if by some very slim chance BM does go back to the court to get them, he doesn't want his kids living in her environment. However, there is like the slimest margins of chances I think she'll do that. She just doesn't want the responsibility of kids. She's abandoned them twice, and like I said before, has continually told them what they want to hear and fails to follow through. The counselor just kept telling him that this is where he has to be willing to lose them in order to get them.

I really hope he tries this because we've tried everything else we can think of and it's like the inner circle of hell around here all the time. I think they wouldn't know what to do with themselves if he told them they could go!

Anyways, just throwing this out there. Send prayers, good karma, or positive thoughts my way that he's willing to try these things! Please! We need a miracle.