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Step Daughter possibly living with us

Hizel's picture

Hello everybody. Me and my husband recently purchased a home and here lives my In-laws and his 10 year old boy. He has another girl who comes only on the weekends, she is 4 yrs old . I have no children of my own, I am 24 and he is 26.

Everybody is great with me, but I long for privacy that we will never have, having my in-laws moving out would be nice but that is not happening soon. They both work but they dont wan to go through the hassle of looking somewhere to live, so my husband took them in even when I said no.

My husband recently mentioned that he would like his 4 yr old to live with us, to which I said no and felt bad afterwards. I understand that is his child, but my privacy is already broken and my only place is my bedroom as mother-in-law is always watching tv on the living room. We do get along but is not the same seeing her once in a while than daily. I also feel that she doesn't want to loose authority over the kitchen (woman things I guess) and I don't feel lile it is my home, but instead hers.

I like them all overall, it is just my sense of privacy and comfort that makes me feel lile my bubble has been broken. Is it bad if I dont't allow my husband to bring his daughter to live with us?

We live in a three bedroom home, and I guess she would be sleeping with her brother. I go to online school, and the house is kinda loud already to make study work most of the time. My in-laws help a little with our mortgage too, which is helpful, but that is not enough for me to have them here.

 

Thanks for reading me, I am just venting and asking for little advice.

WwCorgi7's picture

What makes him think he can just move in his daughter full-time? I mean is there a CO? Will her mom gladly hand her over to live with you guys just because you bought a home? Is your name on the title as well? It sounds like he already doesn't take your wants and needs into account. He moved in his parents and didn't care how you felt. He just did what he wanted. It's already a full house how will crowding in another person be helpful? I know a lot of kids share rooms (my boys do) but a 10 year old boy and a 4 year old girl is not going to work. I'm sorry I don't have much advice but it is definitely time to reevaluate things. He already moved in his parents when you said no what makes you think he will listen to you about moving his daughter in? Your DH needs a reality check. This is not how a husband acts. Moving people in and out are major decisions. It has to be a joint decision that both people are on board with.

I totally feel for you having to live with your in-laws even if you are on good terms. It's hard not having that privacy and control over your own space. I had to live with my MIL for a month in between closing dates and it was awful!

OKtoStep's picture

I say this with all the sisterly love in the world. You are married to a man who doesn't respect you as a person or a wife. What exactly are you getting from this marriage?

please please tell me your name is on the title of the house.

Hizel's picture

My name is also on the title, which makes it harder because if I am to leave I would not want them to stay at the house while I look for somewhere else to live where it should be my IL looking for a place. Another thing is that MIL was not happy when we told her we were planning to buy a house. That is what bothers me the most.

shamds's picture

Between spouses. You simply don't make executive decisions and certainly not life changing ones that affect the privacy and harmony of your spouse in their safe-haven (their home), it's disrespectful. If your husband had any respect for you, he wouldn't do this.

nappisan's picture

where and when have you been considered in this relationship and the decision making ?  it sounds like you are not considered at all and thats not fair.  You are so young to have to deal with all that in a household, i cant imagine how uncomforatble you feel all the time , especially when the mother in law takes control over your kitchen.  I would be advising that you will be moving into your own 1 bedroom flat if he continues to make decisions without you, hold your ground  

tog redux's picture

Are there cultural issues at play here? For Americans (and other Western cultures), this arrangement of in-laws (who are probably early 50s age) living with you, and the man making all the decisions, would be very strange.  
 

If it's not a cultural thing, then my advice is to run like the wind. He's already got 2 kids with 2 different women at 26, and he's dependent on his parents (or they on him). At your age and childless, you could easily find a man with far less baggage. 

Mamabearof3's picture

Even if they have cultural differences he had no right disrespecting what she told him she wanted. 

Hizel's picture

Its not a cultural thing, we are Mexican, he says he brought his parents in because they are planning to retire soon and they will be living in Mexico when they retire. But that is still a couple years away. Also mortgage help is what he wants, but then why did we got a home if we cannot afford it? I am really thinking this through sometimes it is too much.

caninelover's picture

And please don't get pregnant with this man.

Mamabearof3's picture

You said no and he disrespected you. Tell his parents that. Make a big deal out of it. I would. 

Winterglow's picture

TAke a long, hard look at your living situation because it's not going to get any better. Do you really want to live in a home where someone else calls the shots all the time (husband, MIL) or do you want a place where you are respected as the lady of the house? If you do nothing, it won't happen. Your husband will continue to do what he likes regardless of your feelings and your MIL will continue to usurp your place. Personally, I'd have left the moment your husband disregarded your opinion and moved his able-bodied and far from decrepit parents in. It sounds as if there isn't even a time limit or condition on their stay. Now he has decided he wants his little girl around all the time too? Why, if he isn't there all day? What's the point in taking (or trying to take) her away from her mother?

Supposing he decides to help out a friend and his family and moves them in until they get back on their feet? What will it take for you to say "ENOUGH!"?

 

CajunMom's picture

All great comments and suggestions. Definitely LOOK at your situation. Do you see it changing any time soon? Is this what you want for your life? Are you okay with having little to no say as to what happens in your home? 

You have options. Talk with him and give your expectations for clearing out your home. Go to counseling for additional help. And if that doesn't work, begin your exit plan. Your husband definitely does not respect you.

Booqueen's picture

You are so young! It is mighty hard living with in-laws, no matter how great they are. You need to do online study, and there are only 3bedrooms. I agree that the 10 year old boy sharing with his 4 year old sister is a bad idea. Where would she sleep then? In your room with you guys? Super bad idea. With your in-laws? Would they want that? I think he needs to choose who stays in fhe 3rd room. Your in-laws (as it is now), or his daughter (thereby effectively kicking his own parents out). That said, you need your privacy. Very tricky indeed. 

stepmomnorth's picture

This is one of those big life decisions that need to be made together, as a partnership. The fact that he unilaterally made the decision and seemingly does not care for your opinion is. A big red flag.

My 78 year old MIL wants to come live with us. I told my partner No. We sometimes have 5 kids here apart from the fact that I just do not want her living here. She's overbearing. She's ok to be around in small doses but I would go crazy. 

ESMOD's picture

If he wanted to provide housing to all these people, he should have ensured that the house you bought was big enough!

Should a parent be "allowed" to have their child live with them?  I mean, a minor child, yes.. if it is in the best interest of the child.

But, that parent also needs to ensure that they are able to provide a home for that child that is appropriate.. and right now, I don't see room for her.  

 

I do have a tangent question though.  Do you contribute financially to the household or is he paying the bills while you go to school?  The reason I ask is that perhaps that right now, while there is more financial pressure.. that is one of the reasons why this is all the house he could afford.  If so, once you finish your degree and begin contributing more, maybe at that point a larger home and less reliance on his parents for help towards the mortgage is feasible?  But, you shoudl be able to talk about this with him.  Does he intend to have his parents stay forever? can they afford to live on their own?  You say he is open to having kids with you but where would you put THEM????  I think you need to get on the same page here and understand what your future really will look like.. and do it before you get PG

Winterglow's picture

I also think he needs to bear in mind that these children are from different mothers. Now, he might think it's no big deal because they are both his children but it could make the world of a difference to them. Opposite sex half-siblings having to sleep in the same room might not be his best idea to date. 

Hizel's picture

I do provide help with bills and groceries. That was our plan from the beginning. Our dog had to get an expensive surgery and I paid for that, I work full-time, I dont make great money right now but its an income. His parents can afford to live on their own but they dont want to. Their plans are to retire and live in Mexico but that will happen in a couple of years. I am on Nexplanon so kids are a no-no until I figure out what to do. 

justmakingthebest's picture

On one hand as a couple that is 40-ish and having all of our parents in their 60's I can understand why his parents would want to save right now and do the last prep for moving countries and retiring. However, it doesn't make it your responsibility. Your husband was making a kind gesture to his parents, which is all well and good, but your feelings were cast aside and that is NOT ok. 

As for his 4 yr old, is there a reason why that child's mother would suddenly give up custody to your husband? Not many mother's would willingly give up their child, but it does happen. If you don't think she would allow it, I wouldn't stress too much, he is probably just talking. 

You are so young, and I know that makes you mad to hear because you are married and own a home and are doing great things! But you have to step and ask yourself if this is worth it? It is much easier to divorce now at 24, than at 34. 

ESMOD's picture

I don't know.. it really doesn't seem he is planning his life with the same goals in mind that you have.  Why wouldn't you have purchased a home that was more suited to having his parents there.. and future children?  It seems like he is not on the same page as you and HE gets what he wants.. parents in the home.. etc.. what do  you get then?

simifan's picture

You are not even 25. Your husband consistently makes decisions without respect to your feelings on the matter. You realize you will be living with your inlaws for at least 20 years, possibly 40 or so? This would be a deal breaker for me. I, too, am far more introverted then DH. One of our compromises was we each have our own space in the home. 

Seek therapy. You need to find out why you feel so devalued. You deserve a man who respects you and wants you to be happy. 

Loxy's picture

You are so young to be taking on such a huge amount of responsibility. Two skids to two different mothers. PIL living with you - it's sounds hideous to me and not something I would have tolerated at your age. In fact, I wouldn't tolerate parents living with me (mine or DH's) at any age. And if my DH just moved his parents in without my consent, I would be filing for divorce and moving out. 

Your partner does not respect you. I would ditch this relationship and find someone who doesn't come with all the baggage and who treats you with the respect you deserve. 

Skimonkey's picture

I so feel for you - that sounds like a stressful situation.  In your shoes, I would work full time, go to school, find a library in which to do my studying in the evenings and on the weekends, and a gym to go to any time in-between. Maybe even get a 2nd job.   (If you work from home, I'd find a cheap office space to rent, or else use the library for that - they usually have free wi-fi).  I would go home to eat, shower and sleep and that's it.  I'd tell my DH when I was free to go out to dinner or a movie or whatever you are into, if he wanted to spend time with me.  All of that would be really hard for someone like me, as I'm a home-body, but I also like my space and would feel more peace on my own in a quiet public place like a library or cafe than in a house full of noise and expectations.  You have to take care of your own needs.  If your husband doesn't like that scenario, then tell him what needs to happen for your needs to be met.  (Unfortunately, it sounds like if the parents move out, you would be expected to provide a lot more care for 2 kids not your own, so be very careful what you wish/ ask for!)

 

Rags's picture

You have a veto on who lives in your marital home.  Remind him of that.

Time for the ILs to go.  Now is not too soon.