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Being supportive in silence

Fishoutofwater's picture
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I have 2 teenage ss. They constantly make my husband feel like he isn't a good enough father. My in-laws, the kids biomom are constantly making plans with the boys without getting permission from my husband.(out of state trips, last minute sporting events). He won't say no because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, but he complains about it all the time. The biggest issue is we live 3 hrs away from my in-laws and 8 hrs away from biomom. My in-laws are also cosntantly telling the boys to ask my husband if they can live with them. I think it hurts and undermines my husband as a parent, but he won't speak up. I try my best to be there for my stepsons but at the end of the day I'm just another person. I'm at the point where I really want to just not care. My husband and I try to give the boys what they need and almost everything they want. Lately I've been spending on myself and ignoring their requests for new stuff. They don't appreciate it anyways. I am worried about not being able to hold my tongue for much longer whenever they dump on their dad if they dont get their way. I dont know how much longer I can hold my peace. Suggestions?

tog redux's picture

Well, the person at fault here is their father - your husband. The kids are only doing what they've been allowed to get away with. He's the one choosing to spend money on ungrateful kids, and allowing BM and his family to walk all over him.  So if you let your tongue loose, it should be at him, not at the kids.

Cover1W's picture

Do not buy anything for them any more if they do not appreciate it. I stopped with with SDs long ago. If it is a necessity, DH hands over his debit card to me or pays me back immediately. No other option.

As for attitude - walk away. Until your DH really hears it and wants to deal with it, you will be the bad guy for pointing it out.

Tryingtomakeitwork's picture

I made the mistake of giving far too much to my ss, and he pays me back with a whole lot of disrespect.  I finally ended the relationship with ss by 100% disengaging with all activities.  At each juncture, I called out ss on his poor behavior and executed consequences.  His father did not support me on this, but I did it anyways.  Since ss knows that his father doesn't support me, it escalated into some really horrible and hurtful behavior on his part towards me.  His father (my dh) defends ss and it makes me sick.

The divorce rate is higher in second marriages, and this is IMHO the main reason why.

Rags's picture

If you DH does not have the testicular fortitude to do something about the situation it is time to tell him you don't want to hear about it.  Act or zip it. Period.