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So pretty much ALL holiday DH's sister, father and daughter spend with BM now?????!!!!

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 7:47pm

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So DH says to me this evening we should figure out what we are doing for Christmas Eve. I'm shocked because from the day DH and have been together we have ALWAYS done Christmas Eve at his parents. Last year was the first time we didn't go to FIL's, and I was surprised then but didn't say anything. So tonight I casually ask what happened, FIL isn't doing this any more? DH says no, FIL is going to BM's along with DH's sister, just like they did last year :jawdrop: :O

Now, this is a repeat of Thanksgiving this year, the year before, and the year before that! DH's family always celebrated Thanksgiving of course, just like any other holiday but FIL stopped hosting it a few years ago. I asked DH what was happening and he said he didn't know. I figured maybe because MIL passed away and FIL didn't want to keep it up. But THEN I learned last year that FIL and DH's sister were having Thanksgiving at DH's eldest's place, along with BM and BM's relatives (whom DH can't stand)

And they also did this for Easter

Soooooooo......slowly but surely the bitches (DH's sister and his daughter....and BM?????) are conniving against us.

Slowly but surely they are making sure we (DH and I) are excluded and treated like outcasts in DH's own family

I bet you Christmas is next!

They are SUCH bitches

Personally, I don't care as I've LOVED spending Easter and Thanksgiving with MY family. Maybe I'll actually get to spend Christmas with them too!!!

But just can't believe DH is so stupid to sit back and take this manipulation from his bitch of a daughter an equally bitch of s sister

Seriously, what am I missing here?!!!!!

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 6:22am

Well... have DH/you suggested hosting his family for a holiday? Or, despite some other co-opted holidays, have y'all just been expecting FIL/co to take care of holidays and invite you? It is certainly not the ex's fault if she offered and FIL accepted. His own son didn't...

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 9:42am

Just because someone invites you to something first,doesn't mean you have to go.

When everything thing is said and done, regardless of when the invitation was issued, FIL will go the home he feels most comfortable in.

Let's be honest. Would you rather have guests in your home who truly want to be there or who are only there out of obligation?

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 2:53pm

And five days ahead?I would expect that other plans have been made. Especially since this is not the first holiday done elsewhere...

christinen's picture

Submitted by christinen on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 11:08am

I think it's completely inappropriate for holidays to be celebrated with an ex. When a relationship ends, all that should end with it. It's just not right, especially once a new wife/gf is in the picture. It's very disrespectful.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 12:03pm

I'm not sure why this surprises you so. You posted the same thing not long ago building up to Thanksgiving. The thing I'm most confused on is why this bothers you so much as it doesn't bother your DH. It is his family afterall and he's known the excluding was taking place. You didn't know until Dh let it slip. If it doesn't bother him, why does it bother you so?

I don't remember whether or not you ever started inviting FIL to your celebrations in your own home and he declined or if FIL hasn't been invited. Either way (even if you invite FIL 'first')it's still FIL's decision as to what he'll do on these occasions. If the gentleman is comfortable and enjoys his holiday dinners at his granddaughter's home (regardless of who else she invites or doesn't invite), you have little choice but to respect the old guy's wishes. Your Dh has, so why not you? Why keep acting so shocked and surprised as each new holiday season comes around?

IMO your best course of action is to assume Dh and you will be on your own in future holiday family events. Pick up the phone and invite FIL (if nothing else checking to make sure he does indeed have a place to go) and accept it if he has other plans. Now that's out of the way, you can freely make whatever plans for the holiday dinner that you please. Invite guest to your home or feel free to accept invitations from your own family and friends. This is basically what Dh was politely saying now. It's the weekend before Christmas, you two need to plan how you two will be celebrating the Christmas events.

Obviously your FIL is an aging gentleman and he is no longer planning to host dinners. He's chosen to spend the day with his granddaughter and daughter at his granddaughter's home. Yeah, it also included granddaughter's mother and maternal grandmother...but no one is forcing the gentleman to go there. He's obviously comfortable there and with the other guest. He's a big boy, if he wasn't happy going there he wouldn't. He'd make excuses and stay home or accept someone else's invitation. It is what it is. You can't control this old gentleman and you shouldn't be making an issue over it if your own husband has accepted the situation. I'd be content knowing my father was having a good time and happy on the holiday and make my own plans. This is an older man, he's making his own decisions and he shouldn't be pressured to choose sides. he won't be around for tons of more holidays, let him enjoy the ones he has left without making a stink over it. Again, your husband is ok with this. Make your on plans, enjoy your own day and let others enjoy their holiday.

If Dh was upset about this, he himself would have already talked to his father over it. Maybe Dh did talk about it with his father when it began and the two gentleman came to peace with it. I'm not trying to sound insensitive to your personal feelings of exclusion, but this is DH's family and you can't control other people. If Dh and his family are happy in the way things are occurring now, let it go. Plan your celebration with DH and your family and friends and enjoy your holiday.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 4:59pm

jumanji we used to offer ALL THE TIME. DH's sister who likes to control everything wouldn't hear of it. Everything was always hosted at FIL's, with DH's sister in control. I suspect she couldn't stand the thought of ME hosting any of THEIR family events

Once it got to be too much for FIL I wondered whether DH's sister would start hosting since she was the only one in DH's family that had never hosted a thing

DH's sister has hosted ONE event, then turned around and actually TOLD DH recently that it was "his" turn. DH tried to get her to discuss it with me because if anything is being hosted out our house, all DH does is throw the meat on the BBQ and absolutely everything else is done by me

Once DH called my attention to what his sister was saying, she continued to talk - directly to DH not once looking in my direction - the date and time of the birthday dinner for HER, YSD and SSIL

All of this was over the top to me. Complete and total disrespect from her as always

But to discover all the holiday dinners DH used to celebrate with this family and now have stopped have all been celebrated behind our backs with BM - disgusting

BM is not behind it. Last year she even invited DH and I for one of the events. I really wanted to go - because I knew it would freak DH's sister out when she saw that guess what? We were also invited for your behind the back little get together. BM and I have always gotten along

DH said to me last night that as long as he and BM were married his sister never liked nor got along with BM. But now, DH's sister carries on like they are best of friends. She tries so hard to make me feel uncomfortable about it and is always rubbing things in, and it always backfires on her Biggrin because BM and I get along just great and end up talking very happily to each other when we're at the same events as DH's family....and it's obvious that I like BM a whole lot more than DH's sister!

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 5:04pm

I don't think they're hosting keepitsimplestupid because FIL stopped, I wonder if it's the other way round - FIL stopped because they took over and insisted on doing it with BM behind our backs. They are conniving and }:)

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 5:13pm

FIL prefers me over BM big time Disneyfan, and certainly his own son. No, he is not more comfortable with BM. FIL however does exactly what his mini-wife daughter (DH's sister) dictates. If she says that it's too much for him and BM invited them he will go where she says. Especially when she adds how DH and I were only there every other Thanksgiving - the nerve of us to go see my family too

No, DH's sister and his eldest daughter are behind it all

Personally I could care less. The less time with them the better Smile but it is SO immature and infantile to treat DH this way

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 7:06pm

For someone who could NOT care less, you're giving them a lot of space in your head. It seems your husband cares less than you do...

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 5:22pm

Thanks christinen. I totally agree with you. It is completely disrespectful that DH's sister would make a point - and believe me she rubs it in with DH and I - to carry on with BM the way she does

DH's sister refers to BM as her sister-in-law, and me as "her brother's wife"

But it's not just me she is disrespecting, it's really DH that she is treating poorly. DH's sister - who couldn't stand BM while she was married to DH's - now treats BM waaaaayyyyyy better than her own brother. And me of course!

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 5:36pm

It surprises me twoviewpoints because it is just plain RUDE. However, you are right on one account: I should not be surprised at the total rudeness of these people. I should have learned by now how infantile they are and will stoop to all levels - even hanging out with DH's ex to the point of excluding him - it's about as low as it gets

It confuses DH more than anything. He said to me yesterday evening that it is so weird that the entire time he and BM were married his sister couldn't stand BM, and treated her poorly like she now does me

DH said he figures it's because he was always the popular kid growing up, his parent's favorite, and his sister "lived in his shawdow"

I believe this

DH's sister has a real love/hate relationship with DH. I used to wonder if this was why she treated me like shit. I'm sure it's part of it. But I've also learned over the years she is jealous. Jealous of my relationship with her brother. Gets nasty and insulting if anyone compliments me, whether it's my looks, hair, eyes, shoes, you name it she is not comfortable with it and it shows

She followed me to several companies that I've worked at, yes ended up going to work there after I did, including the one I work at now! Sooooo weird! The company before last we were both in sales and guess what, I was the top rep out of a whole bunch of us. DH's sister literally got up during a meeting where I was being praised as the "star" employee of the quarter. When she came back you could tell she had been crying. This is from a women in her 50's. :? :? :?

No, DH's insecure sister and daughter are behind all of this

godess-clueless's picture

Submitted by godess-clueless on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 6:02pm

Disillusioed--- After many years of holiday problems, here are a few things I learned.

When DH and I were first together he would never have wanted his ex at any holiday celebration that was hosted at our home. But all his daughters extended family, friends were always welcome.

As long as his ex had a boyfriend or husband in the picture no one ever thought to invite DH
Only when it was apparent that problems had developed in our marriage did the girls start the invites to dad.
Mom is now old with no significant other so they are not going to leave her alone on holidays.
The relationship between DH's girls, his ex and his sister will always be a relationship I can not compete with. I don't waste the time.
Just do your own holiday. Invite the people who are your family and friends. FIL is probably going where there is a free meal and he feels comfortable. FIL is your husband's family---not yours.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 11:03pm

My FIL feels much more comfortable with his own son godess-clueless, and with me. In all the get together's where BM and I are together, it is obvious there are issues/old hurts where her and FIL are concerned related to DH and BM's divorce

The reason my FIL goes to BM's is because his daughter - my DH's sister - insists that he do this, and as she is a mini-wife to FIL since my MIL passed away, he listens

Nothing more complicated than that

FIL has dinner with DH and I weekly in our home and has a wonderful time. Every time. He gets dragged to these back-stabbing events because DH's sister guilts him in to going

FIL might be DH's family - but I am certainly MUCH more family to him then BM

I have no problem whatsoever with FIL going to any event at/with BM...she is actually a pretty decent person unlike all the nightmare BM stories I read about here, and I like her. My issue is, family get together's that DH should be celebrating with FIL and his daughters, he is excluded from, so that DH's conniving sister and eldest daughter can hurt him by having absolutely everyone but him and I together and celebrating

It's hurtful, infantile, back-stabbing behaviour and if it hurts my DH well, it makes me sad too

godess-clueless's picture

Submitted by godess-clueless on Sun, 12/22/2013 - 8:37am

If my DH's parent were still alive and choosing to have dinner with his daughters and their mother, he would feel hurt. He would feel hurt if he was not invited. Unlike yours he would probably continue his past practice of throwing me under the bus, leaving me at home and joining them.

Point is that FIL is choosing where to go for what ever reason. His choice. If you are not invited or choose not to show up and invite yourself in then planning holidays with your own family members is a better choice. It seemed from what I remember reading in your original post you do an every other year with your family. based on giving equal time with your DH family???? Consider that FIL's choice to not be together with his son and you leaves your schedule open to spend with your family every year.

My mom and dad are both deceased. I wasted too much time on DH's family. Now I look back and feel I wasted too much time not enjoying and being together with my own. His daughters and their children have no contact with me.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sun, 12/22/2013 - 1:05pm

Believe me godess-clueless I LOVE the extra time with my family Smile but it's not the point Sad

Glad I've disengaged from these people, but still caught off guard once again by their conniving behaviour :O