So much resentment toward DH
Guys, I'm so sick of it.
I've been married 6 years, and we dated for 6 before that. Three SK's, now SS15, SD21, SD23. Getting through the teen years with the girls was rocky, but the SS, oy vey he's a piece of work. I hate to say it, but he's a weird kind of kid you could envision shooting up a school or beheading you in a fit of rage. DH sees him as delicate and precious SS, talented beyond all measure. He's a loser POS and he isn't talented at anything.
I am seething with resentment toward DH. Everything is a battle ground. Every comment is heard with negative intention, words are always twisted, tone is in every word.
I know I carry equal blame for the way things have become.... but is it wrong to simply not want to try anymore? I'm so tired of always being in "fix it" mode, of always trying to police myself, of always trying to let snide comments go.
Anyone been to this brink and still "made it"? I'm wondering if its past salvation at this point.
Welcome to my world! I
Welcome to my world! I realize that the issue lies not so much with his children, whom I have not seen in over 4 years, but with my dh. His daughters and ex dropped many cruel bombs on us, snubbed us past years, and took dh to court for everything under the sun, cars, cell phones, and expensive colleges. Now one of daughters has decided she wants her father back, and has taken no responsibility for the past years. Dh always said if they ever called, there would have to be real remorse. Well she has been in an exclusive relationship with dh the past year. I told dh that she needed to show remorse to his wife, present us as a team. He has refused to even address this with her! He just does not see how his parenting has created sociopathic people who act on their feelings, and justify it all.
As a result, I am taking a week to reflect on how I move forward with him. We do not share children together. In order to have a life together I need to feel peace, and have a good amount of respect for my husband. I guess does it matter that I believe his parenting has produced such damaged and toxic people? I know that I will never have any engagement with any if his daughters. That is a personal boundary that I have set. I can read people pretty well and they scare the crp out of me!
So yes, I know how it is. I need to focus on my life and the parts of dh that I do respect.
Very different parenting styles.
My oldest SS was a piece of
My oldest SS was a piece of work at 18. I point blank told him that I'm not is parent and I don't have to have unconditional love for him. I do what I do because I want to, not have to like his parents. If he wants to treat me poorly, that's fine. I told him that his father has no money and that all his extras come from me and they have no stopped. I cut him off financially, verbally, everything, no rides, no anything. Took him six weeks to change his toon.
He got in a little trouble during this six week and DH met with him and BM at a park to talk things out. I guess he puffed up and said something to his mother that was not nice and his Dad grabbed him by the throat, held him up against a tree off the ground and explained that he would never address any woman in that tone or with those words again...let him down when he started to turn blue.
He's been an angel since then. They get to an age where they think they are the alpha male and start acting out and getting aggressive, it takes their Dad to put them in their place.
This DH will never put his
This DH will never put his little precious in his place.
His parenting style is guilt inflicted indulgent parent who just wants to be your buddy. The older girls are doing better now, only because they fell into adulthood completely unprepared and have floundered about until they self motivated some amount of responsibility and ambition. It's not much compared to the average person their age, but it is something.
I hold a lot of anger because I blame DH for creating these messes. He has been primary custodian since they were 4,10, and 12. He created this. He was always there to run to their rescue and deflect them from failure, blame, or accountability.
The oldest was the queen of thinking the world owed her something and that we should all bow to her awesomness. A little of life on her own and she has mellowed.
The middle one is the best of the three, only because she has always been ignored so she knows she has to fend for herself.
The youngest has had sunshine and rainbows blown up his ass about how great he his for his entire life. He's a really weird asbergers/autistic type personality and while he has some finite skills, he isn't uniquely talented with anything. He was raised being told he was some kind of amazing genius. He can't even pass high school. Shit, he can't even get himself up and dressed at 15. I had good grades, a part time job, and had already bought a car at 15. I was completely average and all of my friends had accomplished the same if not more.
What are people doing? I feel like the current trend is to raise a generation of dolts who will destroy the world.
Anyhow, my resentments go past just the kids. I resent caring for them, yet not having a worthwhile opinion of house rules, punishments, etc. I resent standing by a man who is raising three kids, only one of which is his biologically, only to be cast aside for the opinion of POS BM whenever she decides to have an opinion. She is mentally ill, truly, but she gets more rank than I do.
I once asked him why he will go to the ends of the earth to please BM who treats him horribly in all ways, but he will so often throw me under the bus when I have been good to him. His answer? Well, she's crazy and you are not so I would rather piss you off than her.
WTF?
I told my husband and the BM
I told my husband and the BM that if I was raising them and paying for stuff, I'd have a say so. Period. If they want my money, they get my input.
Also, My husband would rather
Also, My husband would rather piss me off than BM for the same reason. He says its because me being mad isn't going to make him do things that will land him in jail.
If you can accept that his
If you can accept that his kids come first you can change your attitude towards the situation. Have you tried disengagement with the kid? A link below will be worth reading.
It's probably too late to turn this marriage around without professional help and a good counselor can do so in just a month or two. Don't get roped into additional sessions, if they haven't helped by month two find another one.
Of course he probably won't want to go and if so you should go by yourself. Hopefully he will listen to the counselors repeated request to come in after a session or two. Usually when a stranger tells a couple what to do both parties listen.
But don't make his kids an issue in counseling when both of you are there. They're his kids and he is responsible in the end. Let them fail. It's not on your shoulders.
Here's that link: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
BUT if he won't try just bail out.
I see your point Orange
I see your point Orange COunty, and I have been reading a lot about disengaging. It has helped much with not feeling like I have to "fix" his problem children. I'm still working on it, though. I have to admit being resentful that I must care for his kids (clean, shop, cook, get up and off to school ect) but have no say in parenting, but ultimately I think I can live with that if I can release myself from feeling responsible for their failure as human beings.
What I can't seem to fix is the underlying tension. It's both of us and it is all the time. A simple comment of "Want me to put this dish in the sink?" is heard as "Look, I'm cleaning up after you again."
resentment is what kills
resentment is what kills marriages. quit doing ANYTHING you feel resentful about, or even THINK you'll feel resentful about. why are you doing so much for his adult kids? sure, your dh isn't going to like it, but it's time to take a stand. you have to tear something down in order to rebuild it better and stronger, just like remodeling a house. you need to create a crisis in your marriage. and, contrary to what was written above, "children" do not come first, especially in a second marriage. if you can disengage and allow your dh to feel your abscense, he may realize how much he does need you and may begin putting your marriage first. a man does not respect what he has no chance of losing. you've made it too easy for him, he doesn't have to work to keep you. change this, and you will change the dynamics of your marriage.
oh, and men do not listen to
oh, and men do not listen to words, they respond to action (or in-action). those are HIS kids, HIS responsibility. he is their father, let him father (or not as he sees fit), but protect yourself financially. keep your $$ separate and have NOTHING to do with bm. when he questions you, tell him exactly how you feel and what is going to happen from now on. you cannot control what he does, but you CAN control what you do. tell him you've lived in bm's and skid's shadow long enough and you are re-claiming your life and moving on into the future. he can come or not.
I took in my nephew @ 18 when
I took in my nephew @ 18 when my sister died, a promise I made to her on her deathbed. Worst mistake I have ever made. He was released from Juvi in Cali when I 'rescued' him and brought him into our home. He was a psychopath. He stole things and destroyed our property and had to throw him out, but it was too late by then. Too much damage had been done in a short amount of time and it did effect my marriage in a negative way.
Well, now he's found religion and talks to God and preaches his ministry about the devil and Jesus (common amongst psychopaths). He talks shit about my poor deceased sister who visited him every day in Juvi for 18 months. He's 27 now he has no car, no house of his own. No family and no life whatsoever. I hate him with a passion and wish he were dead instead of my sister.
Despite how horrible it was,
Despite how horrible it was, I'm glad you did that for your sister.