Two weekends ago, the fighting came to a head in my household.  SO and SD18 joined teams and came after me, bullying me into selling SD18 a horse that I did not feel she deserved.

BM and the school counselor joined in the melee, first harassing SO about him needing to "coerce me" into selling the horse to mini-wife, and then proceeding to encourage him to distrust me and put me to blame for the parenting failure of not one but all four of his children.  Yes, the words were said.  A forty-seven year old man managed to tell a twenty seven year old girl that's never had children, that it's her fault things went to shit and that the kids are all such mentally effed up abusive mooches as they are now.

I caved, out of fear more than anything else, and I agreed to sell the horse to mini-wife on a conditional sale contract as well as forcing her and her disgusting bf to sign other paperwork, including a rental contract for bf, and a "Parent-child behavior contract" for mini-wife SD18.  She took one look at it and told her Dad he could go f**k himself and that she nor her bf would sign anything, they were not GOING anyhwere any time soon whether he likes it or not, and they were not about to start PAYING for anything - that was his responsibility, as her parent.  SO NEGOTIATED everything with mini-wife, and finally convinced her to sign in return for being allowed to buy the horse that started the whole thing.  She and her bf signed and sealed the deal, and she signed on my horse as a purchaser, but due to no money being handed to me yet, I've not signed off as the seller.

The paperwork and discussion took place Sunday afternoon that weekend, and by that night, I was in grave emotional distress - I'd fallen unconscious on my way to the bedroom, and came to, weak and sick and I burst into tears.  I cried heavily and for a long while into the night - SO tried to comfort me but couldn't seem to do much to ease the pain.  I hadn't eaten for three and a half days at this point, so I let him know that and he made me some soup to eat in the middle of the night.

Monday morning I was going to stay home from work - SO and I had decided we would both stay home from work, so that I could recuperate, and he was going to sit with me and go over things since I expressed that I was still not comfortable in my house nor did I feel safe.  But instead, I woke up at 6 am to him yanking me by my arm - something he's never done the whole time I've been with him, insisting I get up and go to work.  I argued but it was to no avail, as he pulled me around and pushed me into the shower, then shoved a towel in my face afterwards, and then clothes, and continued to tell me to hurry up and get ready.  He was scheduled for night shift, but I asked if he was still going to stay home for the day.  He said yes, so I asked him to promise me that he would.

I went to work, humiliated by all the second glances when people could clearly see my swollen eyes from crying as well as my depressive, over tired demeanor.  By mid day - I asked SO what he was doing, and he nonchalantly informed me he'd left for work!

I called from my work, and demanded he turn around - and he spoke to me cold and mean, telling me money was more important right now then so-called head problems.  He's never spoken to me this way before.  I begged him to turn around until I was standing shaking and crying at my work (nothing more embarrassing) and he continued his nonchalant front of "no - you're fine - quit being a baby." until I hung up on him.  I went home after work, packed everything I could pack into my car, fed my animals, and left.  I went to SO's best friend's apartment since his best friend works night shifts and wouldn't be there the entire time that I could be - which was perfect for me to be alone and clear my head.

I waited four days, and not one phone call or text message.  SO finally sent a threat my way through his best friend, promising that my animals would all be shipped and my pens and barns would all be burnt down if I didn't give in and crawl back - so I sent SO a text Thursday in the middle of the night and told him I wanted to meet the next day to discuss me moving out and getting my animals out safely.  He agreed.

We met the next afternoon, and had a very civil "break up" talk about calling it quits and how soon I could remove my animals and all my belongings.  SO just nodded and said "Yep just do whatever you think you need to do - I don't care."  So we broke up, and I went back to his best friend's apartment for the evening.

But then I caved and texted him that night, asking if I could come home and we could talk about things.  His response was an ugly one, so I phoned him and tried to reason that I was not attempting to argue - I was just struggling with the whole thing, and he just cut me off and unloaded on me - I'd caused a million different problems with him, his kids, etc. etc. and then I left on Monday supposedly without warning, without giving reason, and left him hurt and betrayed, and he needed time to learn to trust me again.  He flipped everything that he'd done wrong, right back onto me and I fell for it.  Anyway, we talked it through, me of course "yes"ing all of it and accepting responsibility for all his problems and blaming myself for everything he and his miserable family had put me through, and I returned home the next day.

I've been back home since Saturday afternoon of last weekend, and I've moved out almost all my livestock and have placed my two cats into a safe home while I seek a house.  SO told me lovingly over the weekend that he wishes to convince me not to leave, and to give this one last try with his POS daughter and her bf.  Well it's only Thursday - and she's disregarded her behavior contract four times already, spoken way out of line twice, including Tuesday evening calling him a f**king a$$hole to his face for failing to set hers and her bf's plates at the supper table, and then storming off and eating elsewhere.  He texted her that evening and told her it's time to pack up and go, and she's since ignored him and me also, and this morning sent him a text that she thinks he's trying to remove her and her bf now that he's taken me back, and that too bad - they're not going anywhere.

Can I just take back my agreement with selling this horrid little b***c MY horse - and can I just load everything up and LEAVE!?  Almost all my animals are finally safe - I have two more horses and three cows left to relocate, and the horses are going to a secured facility over four hours away to a good friend of mine - I'm just debating if I shouldn't load up the one she's trying to buy as well - and RUN.  BM went ahead and paid over $600 for the mini-wife to get a badly messed up (It's hideous - I've seen poorly done tattoos, but this is just awful) tattoo splattered all over her arm only TWO months before graduation, with the horse's name scrawled on the top.  MY horse's name.  Is it too mean to do that!?  Am I a terrible step mom?  My grave in that home seems to already be almost 12 feet deep - what's another 6 feet if I back out, take it all with me, and just hit the road?  I know that it will probably end any and all chance of reconciliation with SO - but I can't decide if that might be a good thing anyway.

Asking for supportive thoughts/opinions/suggestions please..

Sincerely,

Lost and Confused and very hurt Emereldess!