Resentment Issues
I'll try and make this as short as possible, but I really need some advice from other step-parents. How do you do deal with resentment towards your spouse's ex? My resentment towards DH's BM has gotten so bad that I've starting resenting my SS which in turn has gotten so bad that DH and I are separated now. She's calling what seems like every 5 minutes wanting money for this or that and has never been considerate of DH's feelings and how her actions might affect him, or even me. I don't even know how to begin to move past this so that DH and I can move forward and get our marriage back on track so we don't end up divorced. I told DH that the BM made me resent my SS and he said he doesn't know if he can forgive me. I hope that he can but in turn can't blame him if he can't. What makes all this even worse is DH and I lost a baby at 25 weeks to miscarriage so when I see my SS all I see is the son we lost. We went to therapy a few years ago and things were better for awhile but now we're seperated and I'm not sure what will happen from here. Any advice on how to get past the resentment towards the BM?
Thanks in advance for any advice.
Sorry should have been
Sorry should have been clearer about that...she's one of those people who thinks the world revolves around her. Everthing has to be convenient for her. She has no problem changing her plans as the last minute as far as the SS is concerned as to what time he goes home or where, even though they have a set time and place but heaven forbid we should be a few minutes late bringing him home.
Very good advice, as
Very good advice, as usual.
And I completely get where you are coming from putting the responsibility on DH to set and enforce boundaries. And, in certain circumstances, it can and absolutely must be done -- such as the incessant phone calls, whims, etc. But I'm curious on other issues how can you hold DH responsible when he's doing everything he can but can't enforce the boundaries. This may not be the case for the OP, I don't know. For example, a BM that consistently bails on her visitation for one or the other valid sounding (but total b.s.) reasons? Take her to court? Okay, but in our county it takes 4 months just to get an initital hearing on a motion to show cause and that's just to set the actual date for a trial on the issue! It can be 5-6 months to get the issue adjudicated. And, when BM bails 2-3x a month it would mean a constant presence in court to enforce the CO. And she'll drum up some doctor's excuse or some other evidence for why she couldn't take the kids those weekends. She's a master at manipulating the system and getting away with everything she can. And, she doesn't work so there's no skin off her back to constantly be in court.
And, what do you do when the BM won't pay her CO child support? The child support enforcement agency takes FOREVER to act and even when the do act you still may or may not get the money.
BM is not involved in the skids lives, at all. Doesn't buy them clothes, help with homework, haircuts, shoes...nothing.
Our live revolves around BM's life and & if when she decides to be a parent. We can't make any plans because we never know if we'll have the skids or not. We bleed money to support the three kids (two of them are teens) without ANY financial contribution from BM.
I can't help but feel resentment when I'm running around on a Friday night to 6 stores looking for a certain blouse for SD's concert when she's supposed to be with her mother. Not to mention that we have to pay for the blouse on top of all the other expense that week. And, pay for SS's haircut too while we're at it. There goes $50. Thanks BM. You may ask why DH wasn't the one running around the mall? Because he was at a tournament with the older skid.
It's daunting and it's hard to NOT resent BM. And it's hard not to transfer it to the skids...simply for having needs...
Thanks, Ripley, I get the
Thanks, Ripley, I get the distinction you are making. And I agree that being united is the key to not letting the resentment fracture the family.
As Paul Harvey would say: and now for the rest of the story...
DCSE has initiated revoking BM's driver's license. She's now telling the kids that she can't take them because she's under doctor's orders to not drive. Whatever.
We've already won on the issue of child support being calculated with the assumption that FDH has full custody as a result of presenting evidence of her failure to have the kids the required number of days for shared custody. Progress. Yaaay. Albeit a hollow victory since we haven't gotten any $.
FDH's attorney was so mad because of BM's last motion to show cause filed against FDH that he prepared a motion for full custody which FDH supports and it's been filed. (You may recall from a blog post that BM wasn't home when SD10 missed the bus to her house, and when the school couldn't reach her FDH picked SD up and took her to BM's home but she wasn't there. He waited but she didn't show up so he brought SD home and we went to SS's football game. BM called the cops on him. She marched down to the court house the next day and filed a motion to show cause. She also filed (and lost) a motion to show cause against FDH for denying vistation when HE was in a COMA and she was also in the hospital and could not have taken the kids anyway. She's a whack job.) So, hopefully, FDH will get full custody with visitation at his discretion or very limited. I don't have high hopes of an immediate resolution given the glacial pace of the courts, GAL, etc. But hopefully over time that issue will be mitigated as best it can.
You're right, I really do need to lower my expectations of BM in order to let go of the resentment. My anger arises from seeing the kids being continously jacked around by her because they deserve a decent mother. And, because, honestly, I really didn't want to raise kids (which is why I didn't have any of my own). I thought when I got into this relationship that the kids had two parents and that I wouldn't have the responsibility that I now have. I need to make peace with it.
As always, thanks for your objective and thoughtful advice.
Thanks everyone for the great
Thanks everyone for the great advice. I've still got a lot of thinking to do. I don't want my marriage to end but there's gotta be some changes made on both our parts in order to make this work. All this would be easier if SS who's 13 and DH actually made an effort to spend time together when SS is at our house but he just stays in his room playing video games. I know I need to make more of and effort also but why the hell should I try if they don't.