Hello, I have been having quite a hard time with this. I ask for advice but no one quite understands. Let me begin with a little back story. My fiance and I have been together for a few years. He has an 8 year old child. When we first started dating his child and I had a very good relationship. We would make tie-dyed shirts, repair sock puppets, go to pottery stores and make pottery together. After about a year we decided to move in and things ran smoothly. If he was working I'd pick up his kid and vice versa. Additionally, the baby momma has not been around since his child was 5, and wasn't very involved even then. My fiance and I found out we were pregnant, and we were beyond thrilled. We went to our appointments, got a crib, picked out names. Talked about it with his child, and all three of us were super happy with this addition. But then, the worse year of our relationship happened. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. First, my fiance's father died, and a few days after that we discovered we lost our child. I was filled with sadness and resentment towards ungrateful mothers (especially his child's mother). I stayed in bed for a really long time and couldn't find a reason to go back to real life. Things were never the same after that. My fiance and I took a few steps back and postponed the wedding. My relationship with his child diminished into nothing. I went back to work (I was being stay at home mom for his kid and was planning to do so with ours). He took on the responsibilities he once had with his child, and I have become rather irritated by his child. His child is acting out for attention... issues that we were working on before, bother me instead of me reacting with patience. (There were a lot of habits formed by a bachelor life style I did not want to continue - slobby behavior, no chores, family dinners, his child was making important decisions - like a spouse). However, here's the developing issue. We have found a middle ground. Since the miscarriage I've decided to work on my career and go back to school - we had tried for another for over 6 months. It's been around 5 months since we gave up. Of course, this is when we discover that we're pregnant. (We had started using birth control methods - condoms - so this was quite the surprise). I'm at about 9-1/2 weeks. We are beyond excited and have found out that it's twins! We are also nervous, and I've already had a threatened miscarriage and am taking it super easy. We are praying for both to make it full term and are so grateful for this opportunity. However, the discussion of me being a stay at home mother has arose again. He wants me to go back to caring for his daughter.

My thoughts here are that, our relationship seems beyond repair. I'm going to have my hands full being a first time mom with twins. And during the first pregnancy I never thought about the fact of her being there. Never came to mind. But all my friends say to make sure she's as involved as possible, have her pick things out and so on. I don't know how I'm going to feel about that. My first time momness is going to be dulled down into second time momness? I want everything to match - I'm a control freak and matching is very important to me. I'm not too enthused about having twins AND picking her up from school. Is it required that as a stay at home mom with a stepchild that he no longer holds responsibility to get her? Where are the lines? I don't want things to be completely separate, but I want to focus on my children. I know it would be absurd for him to get a babysitter if I'm home, but I feel that resentment and over stressed and worked feelings are going to drown me. Plus, his daughter flat out irritates me these days.

I have worked in day care for over 6 years, and in the toddler class. My class puts their shoes away and coats away immediately, why does his 8 year old have difficulty with simple cleanliness? After a day of cleaning I walk in to homework spread out on the floor and shoes and socks flown every where with no regard. Why do my 2 year olds understand this concept and an 8 year old after several years of her father and I telling her to get it done (only started once we moved in together) can't seem to understand this concept? Additionally, cleanliness of herself bothers me as well. Our relationship also started splitting when I couldn't get her to dress in clean and unholy clothes with brushed hair. I went on strike and told my fiance I cannot take a child who looks like we roll out of bed and throw her in the car. The more I tried to get her to do her hair the more she refused. I feel like this wouldn't be an issue with my daughter because she would have been well maintained since the young age of whenever her hair grows long enough! No shoes in a grocery store either. We are not Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn! As you can see appearances are important to me... to a point.

HELP!