I think that once again, the problem is really the personality-disordered BM. I know that most of us think that our men are the main problem- especially when he's a Disney Dad, but I think that he became that way as a natural response to dealing with a BPD or Cluster B counterpart. Those people should be cut completely out of your life for your protection, and you can't do that if you messed up and had a child with them. I can understand how a father would overcompensate. If dealing with the same situation (a shitty ex whom you deeply regret having children with and you KNOW is screwing up your kid) I might be inclined to overcompensate as well.

HOWEVER, I agree with Tog that you're not doing your kid any favors by behaving like that.

I've been a 50/50 parent for almost 8 years since the child was just under 2. My ex and I waited until we wanted a child - a total of 5 years together first, so we chose the other to be not only a spouse but a parent. It makes it easier to work together for the sake of the child because we both wanted/chose to work together as parents from the start.

Yet, my ex overcompensates! lol I grew up with too much material stuff and am very practical. Dad buys our son everything he wants AND everything he wants FOR our son...he is also a little lenient on discipline (our kid has nearly zero behavioral problems though). My ex probably overcompensates because HE had a crappy childhood with his own parents - they divorced when he was two, mother was spiteful and PAS'd out of ignorance. Dad remarried a beautiful, wonderful woman and had another child who they gave the world to while BM remained single and miserable for decades! They were poor and visited dad EOWe, and my ex had to work for every "extra" he got in life from a very young age.

Our 50/50 relationship is one of cordiality, concern for the kid, a willingness to meet each other halfway and be fair, no child support either way, with the expectation that both of us will do our job to provide mental, financial, and emotional support to our child at both homes. We (I!) did not have the most appropriate boundaries for a few years after we separated since we had many boy/girlfriends, but none serious enough to bring around our kid. We have always been (sometimes overly) cooperative co-parents who equally discipline our child, respect one another, and back each other up, presenting a united front to the kid.

Again, if you're dealing with a personality-disordered ex, I do not believe that you will EVER have a "normal" situation and co-parenting is impossible.

When my DH and BM split, he parented his daughter, who was 5 at the time, the exact same way he always had.
He was never a Disney Dad and although he like doing things with her, like watching cartoons or playing games, he was the dad.

She knew better than to talk back to him, she knew better than to whine for things he said she couldn't have, and she knew when she heard "that voice" that he meant business.

She also knew that she could talk to him about anything; her mom, her period, whatever she needed to talk about. He was her friend when she needed him to be, in some ways.

Although DH felt bad about SD having to deal with her mother without him, he did not try to make up for it on his weekends. He knew that he couldn't. Babying her was certainly not going to help her.