reeling
I've lived with my GF, SD-10 and SS-16 for 8 months or so now and we've all done pretty well until recently. I have no kids. I work from home and spend 30% of my days working on the road, and the rest in a make-shift office/sunroom. BD is in the picture. He's gone for five weeks for work and then off and back in town for five weeks. Kids go with him every other week for the five weeks he's home. He loses interest by the end and they end up spending two weeks with him instead of three. He got home 4 weeks ago and it's been a train wreck with SD ever since. (SS and I get along fine). GF has major issues with BD being inconsistent, has some bipolar tendencies and showers the SD with princessness when he's home. GF also has said she feels guilty about the divorce and guilty about the fact that she "has to send them to live with him for a week."
On one of the first occasions (since BD got back) where SD decided to show her arse with disrespect towards me, I asked her why she was behaving the way she was. Her answer was "Because I know mom let's me get away with more when Dad is in town." I told my GF about the conversation and she went off on me for "trying to be right." I've mentioned that it looks like some extra coddling is going on the week before BD gets home, and during the time which is he home and was told this is because SD needs it. (frankly it seems more like GF needs it)
Anyway... in getting to the point of the post, since school got out I've been in a sitter role on and off while GF works. One day I got interrupted during a teleconference by SD because she wanted to let me know we had to go soon. I immediately addressed this after the call ended. I explained very pointedly that I was very aware of the time and that she could absolutely not interrupt a work phone call or there would be consequences. I explained that if it happens again she would spend the rest of the day in her room, no phone, no TV. She understood perfectly and GF understood when I told her about it later with no objections. Generally speaking, I defer everything to mom unless GF is not present, or SD is in my face (like the other night when she snuck up on me and set off a snap-n-pop an inch from my ear). I will also not allow my work to be interfered with. I have 4 employees who count on me every day and clients who can cut me loose anytime they want to. There have been no interruption issues since that conversation last month. As of this past weekend and the snap-n-pop episode, I've pretty much disengaged because my GF will not discipline SD. She thinks having a conversation with SD is the same as discipline/consequences.
Fast fwd to Thursday…. I'm on a call with a client and SD decides to interrupt me because she wants to know if I have change for a $5. I dismissed her, finished my call, and then blasted her for interrupting me. At the time of the interruption, I was looking for my keys to drive her to the bus for summer day camp. I asked her if she understood I was on a work call. She said yes. I asked her if she remembered the conversation about consequences. She said yes. I explained we would deal with this later but for now I was putting her on the bus to summer day camp.
When the issue was discussed tonight with my GF, I explained to her that SD understood everything that happened and understood the consequences. I also explained that I felt like maybe the punishment didn't fit the crime because I was "out of my office" and fumbling around the house for keys and both her and I were trying to get to the car. But I also feel like there do need to be some form of consequences because SD understood all of it. I also apologized to SD for over-the-top blasting her. It's not my normal way of handling things.
GF has dug her heels in the sand and says no consequences because SD is a hot mess from going back and forth to BD's. WTF?? Isn't that all the more reason to set some rules and boundaries? GF gave up on that argument and now is saying SD already got consequences because GF "talked" to SD.
The whole point of this for me is to keep boundaries in place for work, and I'm a firm believer that some kids don't f'ing respond just to being "talked to" they respond to consequence. GF has told me this is no big deal and I'm overreacting. I have tried endlessly to explain that this isn't about how big the deal is, how important my call is, or much of a hot mess SD is. It's about setting a boundary and sticking to it. She made it clear that a discussion is a consequence and we just disagree on consequences.
I've told GF I completely understand that she does indeed get the final say. And I've told her she needs to hire a sitter because I'm going to go find an office where I have control over my work environment.
So here I am. Typing this and realizing there's not a lot of options for me except to decide what I'm willing to tolerate.
^^ This. And if she leaves
>I also explained that I felt
>I also explained that I felt like maybe the punishment didn't fit the crime because I was "out of my office" and fumbling around the house for keys and both her and I were trying to get to the car.
So.... you were on a "work call" but doing other stuff, too. Even if your g/f's child "understands", that's a confusing situation.
If it is your house, then tell g/f that kiddo needs to be elsewhere between the hours of X and Y. Period. If it is HER house, expect her to tell you that YOU need to be elsewhere between the hours of X and Y. I would.
Get a lock for the office
Get a lock for the office door.
I think you handled it well
I think you handled it well given the circumstances. Stick to your guns. If GF won't respect your adult rights in your home you don't need to be doing things for her child. & I agree with another step - regardless of who you were talking to you were on the phone and it is rude and entitled.
Update: GF talked to SD and
Update: GF talked to SD and SD informed mom that she completely understands everything her and I talked about. GF came to me and advised that now that she knows SD understood everything and she agrees there should be consequences. I explained to my GF that I understand the need to talk to her daughter, but why is it that when I explained this she didn't take my word at face value? Her answer was because she needs to hear both sides of the story... to which I immediately brought up the point that I need to have more credibility/benefit of the doubt than a 10 year old and she explained that "this is my daughter." I am basically paying for the sins of the past because BD wasn't/isn't competent enough to handle these situations. I said in my original post that I don't have kids. One thing I have learned from life is that doing the right thing doesn't require having the experience of making babies on your resume.
My first thought also was
My first thought also was lock the door.
Are there nearby businesses where you can rent a desk and they furnish a receptionist and misc. office equipment such as fax and copier? Might be less expensive than your own office. Just a thought.
For a ten year old it might be less expensive to have the kid in daycare where she will also have the benefit of social interaction with other kids her own age. Better than you renting and office forcing the kid into daycare also.
Of course you should have full credibility. Does your GF really think you would make up a interrupted phone call with a story of needing change? If she can't believe you on this simple issue how can she believe you at all? Of course at the bottom of that is her desire to make life as easy as possible for this poor woe begotten waif who is suffering through her parents divorce.
Either she accepts your status as a law abiding adult or you had better find greener pastures.