20 yo SD "S.O.S."
H initiated a conversation with me about SD last night, and when to possibly expect a visit from her so that she and I can have a talk.
After expressing some much needed frustration about many specifics and my concerns over all, I was able to see the "reason" for the initiated conversation.
My H means well and is a wise, understanding man. There's no "ill-tent" from him and I trust him. But, because he is fiercely protective of those he loves, he goes into "rescue mode" when he hears the "distress call." In this case, from SD.
Since the 2 weeks she's been with DM, she's had a flat tire 2x that required him to fix, plug, and ultimately replace and she's been in a car accident (she's fine). Thankfully, he told her she had to call her insurance company and report it. That's her job, not his.
Also, H disclosed last night that age is sleeping on her mother's sofa. She has no bedroom of her own there because her older brother moved back in and her younger brother still lives there (all different dads).
I asked if she had another relative she could live with, he said, "no." He wanted me to think about letting her back in with us because of this. I explained that I can't; I just can't.
She has a place to stay - her mom's. Is it convenient? Nope. Is it comfortable? Nope.
Is it necessary? Yep. I told him she's got a roof over her head and she's with family. It's not our job to rescue her from the "heat" of her consequences. Pain and discomfort are GREAT TEACHERS! NOTHING else has worked. She forfeited her own posh little room, the peace and quiet, and freedom when she chose disrespect. I reminded him, SHE CHOSE THIS!!! Everyone is "sorry" when they feel the negative weight of their just consequences. Taking her back would further embolden her and say, "So what if I violate another rule and disrespect them! What are they gonna do?!" This was a threatened consequence for previous offenses and we followed through. I told him, he had to put his feelings aside because he will do more damage and I will leave, because I cannot take it anymore. I let him know, I would not allow any blame shifting, avoidance of ownership, or any other kind of manipulation and that I will remind her that this scenario, is her reality; a reality she created and would have to live in soberly. She must be broken and she must be taught. It's going to take some time. He's going to have to trust and pray that she is in the right place. She was too comfortable here.
Typos
ill-intent*
*She is sleeping on her mother's sofa.
My experiences
Without true and authentic acknowledgment of her role in this, SD cannot be allowed to move back in. She will be worse.
We had Sd24 Feral Forger who moved out of her old room (ghosted us) at 18. I had to clear out all her garbage and box things, bag donation,etc.
She called me asking (demanding) for it back because it was "her dads house".
I was given the opportunity to detail for her that BOTH her dad and I are owners of the house, now, BOTH our names are on there and we both pay equal half of everything. She was either on a couch at her friends or on the couch at her mothers. I think the first time, at her mothers, her father said "you need to work things out with clove" crickets. As soon as I laid it out for her so she understood that she wasnt going to move back in with us, she hung up on me.
So...definitely talk with SD and make certain husband is there to hear what you have to say. See what she has to say, then counter with your responses. Ending in "no way on this earth am I going to live with you ever again". Husband can help (as long as finances are separated) separately from your home.
Yes, my H did tell her that
Yes, my H did tell her that she needed to come correct with me and talk to me directly about any problem she has with me. I'm glad he did. Because all she will do is continue to talk to him as a liason to me. She wants to be respected as an adult, she has to act like one.
I said the same thing about her TRULY owning and understanding the offenses that caused this outcome.
We all are imperfect and I am sure there may have been some things I could have handled a little differently, but all-in-all, she never said a word to me and defied our authority. None of the grievances have anything to do with the reason she is where she is.
She is very defensive and always has a word of resistance in stone way when being corrected. This is what concerns me. Manipulation to circumvent the "sentence" will not work here. Instead, she can allow the experience to grow her into a real woman with real virtues and values. I told my H that I've already "checked-out" concerning her. She is the same person she was 4 years ago when we rescued her from her abusive mother. I have zero faith in her that things would be different upon her return. Maybe for a couple of weeks, but that would be it. And we'd be right back at square 1. No thank you. The only way to salvage the relationship is this way.
I also need to remind my H tonight, that the decision to not allow her back is a joint decision, not just my decision. Otherwise she'll continue to blame me, making me the enemy, and we will be nowhere.
Your DH
Wants "HIS". Again his happy family. As in remove the ex , insert you, happy family goes on. Only if life was that easy. SD is an adult ,,Adult SK cant live at home , you did not sign up for SD to live with you.? There nothing wrong with couch surfing, This was her choice, as a adult she has to learn she stuck with choices.
'This is becoming a power issue, a control, issue. If you give in and let her move back in.,She won. There will be no control her. She will make you life hell. You will be the one sleeping on the couch.'', I
JUST SAY NO.
'IF. DH , Saids SD is always welcome in his home. Then he doing all the cooking, cleaning, and paying for all of this. This is not to live at the home. Make sure , she is invited for a summer BBQ and maybe Christmas.
Exactly. H never had
Exactly. H never had residential custody of SD until 4 years ago. He expressed he wanted her to live with us early on, but it was never something in concrete. It was only when things escalated between her and her mom that we had her come here, at the age of 16.
She is an adult now for sure. I am certain this is for the best. I'm looking forward to our conversation in the near future. I'm curious to how she is going to own up to her offenses.
Categorize people by their
Categorize people by their actions and never be fooled by their words.
Her actions have proven she cannot be trusted. Ever.
My parent's message on this was worded as "Don't tell us, show us." I eventually learned to demonstrate rather than verbalize.
We learned to stop asking SS if he had done something and started instructing him to show us it was done. That in short order ended fibs, lies, and failure to complete instructed tasks and assignments.
My parents said the same
My parents said the same thing. That's what I would say to her..."Don't just talk about it, BE about it!" "Commit!"
The "talk" is the DH idea, for SD to initiate a conversation with me about the things she complains to him about that concern me. He told her she has to make right the wrongs.
I noticed last night that my husband was reading a LONG text from her. I want to know what she said because the last long text she sent, I looked on his phone to read, and that's when I found all her "trash talking" and manipulation. He never did offer up that information. I'm glad I saw it. And trust me, the trash she is talking is in far greater, "colorful" language to others, because that's her maturity level.
I'm quite sure she is having a tantrum for being where she is and the conditions in which she is living. I am also quite sure she is making it out to be FAR WORSE than it ACTUALLY IS to gain as much sympathy from "daddy" as she can get in order to control the narrative and the circumstances. She thinks because she's his daughter he owes her this; he SHOULD "dig her out" of this "pit" she "dug" for herself, but without any true repentance and ownership. She just wants to have a conversation to wiggle her way around things. No matter how sincere she may sound, the sentence will remain. She isn't going to be changed in 3 weeks. She needs extensive help.
As for her needing extensive
As for her needing extensive help. I am more a "she needs a big boot up her ass" is the best help for these types... guy.
I know, I was once a person who needed that boot applied to my ass.
Where I grew up school only went through 9th grade for Expat kids. So... most of us went to boarding school for HS though some went back to their country of origin and lived with extended family for HS.
I got into every school I applied to. Because I was National Jr. Honor Society student in Jr. High, I was allowed to pick which school I wanted to got to. I chose a very liberal beautiful school in close proximity to snow skiing, mountain climbing, hiking, camping, spelunking, rock climbing, etc... and.... as it turned out... little assertive adult oversight. So, I ran amok. My second Sophomore year and for the rest of HS, I was in Military School. The first 12wks was the most terrifying experience of my life. More accurately the first night, after all the parents had left following drop off and registration was beyond soul wrenching terror. I learned, and I ended up thriving in that environment. Not due to the terror, but due to the structure nad accountability. AKA, boot up my ass.
Apply the boot, make sure daddy does as well. IF that does not happen, you and this kid are sadly though likely into a lifetime of misery due to her choices. I would not tolerate that risk if I were you or her father.
Good luck.
No reason for you
To give up control and ask for the "talk" with SD. it's your DH throwing you under the provable bus. If SD has the problem, she should ask for the talk.. First of all. You are not at the same level as SD, You are the queen of your home and life. DH likes playing king. So your the queen.
SD is fighting for control of all of yours lifes, life goes as SD wants. [in her mind]. This talk will do no good, because SD wants to cause drama. Something you don't want. DH can see SD away from your home [too much effort for him]. Actually DH with this "talk" is giving in to Sd giving her cobtrol.
My Oldest daughter played games like this
She would come and live with me (at 19 years old)....get mad at me when I reminded her of rules and boundaries and responsibilities then go back to my exhusband - her dear old Dad - to say how unfair I was. He never picked up the phone to hear my side of the story. Instead, wore it as a 1st Place medal around his neck. "She prefers ME to her mother". she pulled this twice...playing one side against the other - and I finally said "you left again, you're out. You can't move back in".
19/20 year olds are horrible people. It sounds like your DH has understanding of the situation. Are there any redemptive qualities about this young woman? I don't know you're whole story but if she's proven too many times to be toxic - I applaud you for standing your ground.
I hope for her sake she gets her Sh*$ together.
SD isn't a complete "monster.
SD isn't a complete "monster." But, she is a "stubborn jackass" that needs tough training in order to break it. The problem is, she doesn't respect either of us. Her actions in 4 years have "screamed" this.
I have stated that SD is in her own little world. She walks around with her big headphones on, she doesn't properly answer calls or texts. She doesn't even take a look around her, especially in shared spaces, to make sure she is not leaving a mess behind. When I'd cook for her she'd thank me, but would only clean her own plate and fork and return to her room. She has almost no concept of time. It's so crazy that at this point in her life that she'd leave half eaten food in her room and closet, with dirty dishes, too! One of the many reasons why we have a rule about having ZERO FOOD in the bedrooms. But, rules for her seem to be made to be broken. We set the line in place and she moves it to HER liking to where SHE deems it fair and acceptable. It reminds me of my dog when I gently call his name and give him a command. He'll stubbornly look at me and not move, UNTIL I get FIRM and have to yell and it is only then that he actually does the thing. He understands me perfectly. She understands us perfectly. But then wants to blame us for the escalation (which is only implementing consequences - never yelling or screaming).