First, I would like to say how grateful I am to have a place to express my pent-up, introverted feelings to those who may be able to empathize or offer some wise words. Any and all advice is very much appreciated.
I have been married to my husband for 15 years. I was previously married to my first husband for 7 years (We had two children together, a daughter who is now 22 and a son who is now 19). We divorced because he would drink too much and be unfaithful, in a nutshell. I went out with my now-husband two weeks after my divorce was final, only agreeing because my family and his family, who have been friends for over 30 years, pushed me to go on a date with him. I knew he had been divorced for five years, and that he had custody of his two boys, ages 7 and 9, and that his ex-wife had "run off" to pursue a drug habit and different lifestyle. We dated for a year and he asked me to marry him. When I said yes, I look back now and know I said yes because I knew it would make him happy. I had a long, bad habit of making decisions based on what was best for the people in my life, and whether or not it would make them "happy", rather than ask myself if it would make me happy (people-pleaser, a huge fault). Fast-forward the marriage a few years, and I am in the thick of raising his two kids, my son and daughter (no help from my ex), pretty much on my own, as my husband was either working or obsessively deer hunting (No, I don't do it and don't get it). Aside from raising the kids, I filled my time with working full-time during the day doing real estate, then part-time two days a week cleaning offices, all the while cooking, doing 12 loads of laundry every Sunday, tending to school meetings, needs, doctors and dentist appointments, homework sessions til midnight, etc. EVERYTHING. During this time the kids grew into adolescence and teenager-dom and the SS mother started popping up, on the phone, and eventually in person once a month or two. She would grill my SS's about what I was or was not doing, and told them they didn't have to wear seatbelts like I said, if they were in the backseat of my vehicle, or didn't have to have a midnight curfew, or could watch R-rated movies, etc. Everything I tried to establish was always torn down by her sweeping in. Keep in mind, all of these things were established as this was how I was raising MY kids, and making these "rules" a part of their lives.
I was trying to lead by example. And though I didn't see it, or more like didn't want to face the truth at the time, my husband was drinking way too much. He would drink a six pack before he would come home late at night. Drink all day on the weekends if he were there. I pushed it to the back of my head because I was too busy trying to raise our kids being a "good" example and mom. I faced much backlash from his older son through his teen years, when I would wait up until 2 in the morning waiting for him to come home, when his curfew was 12, and my husband was asleep. I worried about drinking/driving as I knew he was engaging in those behaviors and his mother was telling him "it's okay to have fun and let loose" every chance she had him on the phone. My ss's mother also comes from a family with a lot of money, and so, while they were being showered with expensive toys (latest and greatest Playstations & accessories when they were young, then vehicles when they were older), my kids were watching this. One of the reasons I work so much is I do NOT come from a place or family with money. I raised my younger brother and sister while my parents were trying to "find" themselves, and we did not have food most of the time. We also endured abuse from a step-father for many years (not sexual, just him putting food on the counter with notes on it that would say "DO NOT EAT THIS", and we were, literally, starving kids. So, mental abuse shit for a long time). Growing up that way gave me drive to do better in life than my parents, and be an example for my kids that was not set for me.
During the teen years and the constant drama with my oldest SS, along with raising the other SS and my daughter who was a teen at that point too, my life became one big fat dramafest. I went through every "teen" situation ever known with them, all while handling 90% of it on my own. I became horribly depressed, lonely, and gained 40 pounds. Every time I "fixed" something with one of them, another situation would come up (bullying, sexting, grades, drinking, etc.) SS mother and her mother continued to berate me behind the scenes to them (when they should have been thanking me for raising their kids and grandkids). My husband became irritated by coming home every day to me being frustrated with whatever new situation had arose that day. I felt helpless, but responsible for everyone in the house (as I was).
Fast-forward a few years. The younger SS joined military, is now out after serving four years (another thing I got blamed for because my brother was a marine, so SS mother said he had "influenced" her son to join military, and "only kids who have no choices in life" do that. Yep, she actually told my husband that.) The other older SS (the "defiant" one), left immediately after graduation and his mother's family paid for him to go to school, which I knew he was not prepared for based on his actions, and sure enough, he flunked out the first semester. They gave him a credit card with no limit and full encouragement to "live life and be free", with no limitations or rules. Yeah, that mindset worked out well. He moved back to our hometown and in with my husband's parents. My MIL thinks he can do no wrong, and fully enables his actions as well with money. So, he gets a girl pregnant. He comes and tells me and my husband, and my husband is furious. I try to calm everyone down, and tell them a baby is a blessing, it will be great, etc. I throw the girl a huge baby shower (because I am honestly kind of excited). SS mother shows up, sneers at most of it, and leaves. SS continues to be distant towards me, and I can tell he still doesn't care for me. Keep in mind..I have no other problems with any other people in my life other than this SS who does not like me.
During all of this, my husband and I continue to fight. His drinking is unattractive to me, and he can't have sex half the time because he cannot perform from drinking. To say it erodes one's self-confidence is an understatement. I had zero confidence, and so much anger at him for burying his head in the sand all the years while I tried to save everyone.
SS and GF become pregnant again, three months after baby is born. Lo and behold...my daughter..who was 20, becomes pregnant by her BF of two years. She was on a scholarship away at a University, as was her BF. At this point, we will become grandparents three times in one year. This is when I start spiraling down. All of a sudden, everything becomes a competition. If I do something for my daughter, I am expected to do it for my SS girlfriend as well. I did not throw my SS girlfriend a SECOND shower, as she still had everything for her FIRST shower, but apparently she was offended she did not receive a second shower. They weren't even married at that point! Before the second baby is born, they go to JP and get married because she quits her job and loses her insurance, and she needs SS to pick him up on hers. At that time, lo and behold, my SS's mother decides she "needs to be near her kids and grand-kids". Yeah, 15 years too late, after I've done all the hard work. The physical work. The cooking. The laundry. The washing gym clothes and football uniforms at 2 in the morning because they didn't tell you until 10 pm they needed them. Yeah, after all of that is done. So, she moved back. All of a sudden involves herself in their lives. Her parents buy her a house here (she's 46, people). SS's flock to her. I get they're trying to establish a connection they never had, but it leaves me with a sickening realization that I was a doormat for a really long time.

Fast-forward a few months. I decide to start a business, partly because I want to be my own boss, and partly because I just have a drive in me to make sure my kids (and now grand-daughter) have a secure future. Husband and SS's will always be taken care of due to family money. Me and my kids, not so. I start this business while working full-time, doing it until 2am on weeknights and all weekends. After two years, I was able to quit my f/t job to do the business full-time, while also keeping my daughter's new baby at home with me for her first year and a half. Because I could not keep my SS's two babies as well, this was another resentment created towards me. My daughter has no one but me to help her, not my family (BF family lives ten hours away), no one. My SS and his now-wife have six sets of grandparents and step-grandparents helping them on a daily basis, however, they said it "wasn't fair" I kept one and not the other two. Um, yeah, bc I can keep three babies and run a business. I barely had time for a shower or to brush my teeth at that point.

It has been two years since the birth of my grand-daughter, and she has just started a little pre-school program as my business has taken off and become very profitable, which I am beyond thankful for. I now earn more than my husband, and the success of my business has given me back some of the confidence I lost over the years.
In April of this year, I became at my most frustrated and fed up with my husband's drinking and my SS's mother being here now and playing "mom and grandma of the year". I moved out and into an apartment, with my youngest son (age 19). He was happy to go with me, said he was thankful to not feel the tension in that house anymore. He just left for college last weekend, and I am now officially by myself, and not responsible for five other people in a blended household. To say I feel better is an understatement, but I also feel guilty. I have distanced myself from my oldest SS and his wife who have the two babies now, as it seemed what I did for them was never enough or appreciated, and being his birth mother is here now to help them, I feel both aggravated, bitter, and thankful (that she IS helping). My youngest SS and I have a good relationship, and he will come to my work on a weekly basis to talk and say hello. My husband and I are in counseling, separately, to see if this will work out. He has stopped drinking, but it's hard for me to erase the memories of going to bed feeling lonely, lost, depressed, alone, and/or locking myself in the bedroom because of his anger while drinking. I've managed to lose the 40 pounds I gained, through diet and exercise, and this, combined with my business, has helped me re-gain a little confidence. At this point, we've lived apart for four months. It's hard for me to imagine going back to that house to live with him, but at the same time we have 15 years together, and I don't know if it would be idiotic of me to throw that away. He calls and/or texts me daily, asking me to come back. I am so confused. The drinking is the number one reason I left, but my oldest SS is the number two reason, because I do not want to have to deal with him, his birth mother being hateful towards me, and his now-wife acting pissed if I take my grand-daughter to the park instead of taking all of the kids together. I don't have the mental energy to deal with the drama anymore. I am worn out and used up. I feel like if I stay I am saying yes to continuing to be treated unkind by oldest SS and his mother and her family. My husband says that isn't fair to our relationship because I'm basing my decision off of "their actions".

I need clarity. Advice. Anything from anyone whose been a step-parent in the trenches.