Pros and Cons of DH and BM doing co-parenting therapy.. seeking Honest Opinions
Has anyone here lived though "co-parenting therapy" with their ex OR better have a SO do it with their ex??? What does it typically involve? What are the Pros and /or Cons for the step parent??
I'll try and keep this simple..Almost EVERYONE from the kids therapists to family court judge has STRONGLY suggested "co-parenting therapy" for DH and BM as they can't agree on anything. Its really BM wants to call all the shots and I'm making DH standup for himself and not just be a money bag for BM. DH tried this about 10 years ago and since the therapist DID not agree with BM she stopped going. Well BM has perfected her "poor me" manipulation skills to a point she's got the school,kids therapist, family court thinking shes the "best' mommy in the world( total gag). This being said she is ALL for going to co-parenting therapy with DH now. Why you say? It comes down to total control. DH and BM have legal joint custody. BM basically wants to control her house AND OUR HOUSE and have DH just pay her money and lets her run the show regarding the kids. This was how things were till I came in the picture and gave DH balls or I should say I dug my heals in and DID not let her call the shots at our house or allow DH to just hand over money every time she asked. DH has no balls and suffers from divorce daddy guilt.
I am TOTALLY against this as the ONLY reason BM wants to go the "co-parenting therapy " now Is to get the therapist to side with her with what she wants and talk DH into it. Crazy? Not really I've seen how she can bend the kids therapists around her finger and DH just can't stand up to both of them. Of course I WILL NOT be allowed at ANY of these meetings. BM knows I'm the one who is giving DH a back bone. DH is reaching the breaking point as at the last kid therapy appt the therapist mentioned again how they BM and DH really need to go to co-parenting therapy to learn to "work together". Sounds great but I know "working together" means doing things BM's way which in turn will effect the workings of MY HOME.
Co-parenting therapy is
Co-parenting therapy is useless. If two people are capable of co-parenting, they'll figure it out on their own. In this case, as you said, BM will just use it if possible to further control DH, or she'll quit if the therapist figures her out.
DH should refuse.
Though honestly, other than keeping your house free from her control and not giving her money, DH probably can't really "co-parent" with her and shouldn't bother. In other words, let her make major decisions that don't involve intruding on your lives.
Wow! I have to give you very
Wow! I have to give you very high marks for knowing so well what your situation as a SM is and for what you will, more than likely, be in for. Seriously. You are already ahead of the game because you seem to know already how to sniff out the blended family BS.
You are, again more than likely, correct on all three of these points:
Now, what to do about it? I'm so glad you don’t have your head buried in the sand, but it truly is amazing how many family counselors and workers of the court system do. Yes, I’m sure they are buying BM’s BS, and yes, unfortunately, the pressure is very high on your DH to do so as well.
When it comes to “forced” counseling, and I’ve heard this from many in that type of situation, the best thing to do is generally play the game. Of course, it will be your DH playing the game, and I’d imagine he doesn’t have anywhere near the wherewithal that you do. But, borrow a play from BM’s playbook and hubby can go a time or two and then __? Hey, he tried.
Now, there is the oft chance they may indeed both learn something from such. However, leopards can’t change their spots. Even if something seems to take, 1-2 months later, I’m guessing it’ll be back to where it was. So, my advice is play the game. You and DH can discuss. How old are his kids with BM? See how it goes, BUT protect you and your DH and what you built together as well. I know you’ll do a great job, and I know it is your DH you are worried about. But, at the same time, he has to learn what BM really is and really up to; if anything, to protect his own children.
I see your point in “Playing the game” BUT
Here is the issue. BM Knows exactly what buttons to push to get DH to do what she wants. BM was Basically calling all the shots when I first met Spineless DH. BM is smart. VERY smart I’ll give her that. Fortunately I’m always one step ahead of her. Unfortunately DH is not the reason he gets Snowballed by her unless I intervene. BM fully knows I’m the one giving DH his backbone so her Trying to manipulate him on her own is no longer going to work. She needs the help of a professional to gang up on him to do what she wants in private away From my influence.
So this being said just playing the game and going along with coparenting therapy could be very dangerous for both DH and me. If DH was a stronger person maybe but he’s not and BM knows this the reason she’s pushing for Coparenting therapy. There is a very good possibility BM with the help of a Therapist could get DH to do what she wants.
It’s unbelievable how a Therapist and even a psychologist can be manipulated by BM. I always thought These are trained professionals to see through the bullshit but apparently not or BM is really good.
I personally witnessed a family court judge Praise BM For “putting her life on hold” and not date ANYONE till the kids turn 18. Who does that? And what nutcase would support this? Apparently a family court judge as he thought BM was wonderful for doing so.
I Personally heard ( DH Secretly records the Appointments) the kids Psychologist bring up 5 times during ONE Appointment a summer camp BM wanted the kids to go to and throw it in DH face. DH refused to pay half as the camp as it was over three times Expensive as the rest of the camps in the area. So BM got the therapist to try and push DH into paying for it. Again what Therapist would get involved in financial matters??
I tried to do some research
I tried to do some research online quickly about co-parenting and step-moms, but it is the usual huggy, kissy, feely, rare to the point of almost extinction stuff about how mom and dad and SM all so-respectfully learned how to get along and now all co-parent so well and put the kids first.
Well, duh!, of course if you have a BM who accepts the situation for what it is and puts her own kids ahead of any personal angst and gives the always-needed permission to the kids that they can indeed have an everyday conversation with SM, yeah!, coparenting is going to work, because the will is already there.
These sities! Ah! I get sick of 'em. None of them really address what to do with the manipulative, controlling BM and the weak, enabling DH, which is far more likely than the BM who has moved on and the DH who knows who his wife is (hint: it is not BM). However, I did find there are more books that talk about a toxiic ex, such as: https://www.amazon.com/Co-parenting-Toxic-Ex-Ex-Spouse-Against/dp/160882.... It may be worth a look-see. I'm sure there is at least one chapter, if not two, on manipulation.
DH is currently doing Co parenting counseling with BM
Neither of us would recommend it, at this point. Perhaps if it had happened many years ago, it might've been helpful, but not now.
As others have said, it's an opportunity for BM to team up with a clueless therapist against DH. BM has driven him bonkers with bull$hit during the sessions and DH has struggled to maintain healthy boundaries. This has been hard on both of us and our relationship.
If they were able to "co
If they were able to "co-parent" they'd still be married. It's a waste of $$ and time.
I feel the same way. I guess
I feel the same way. I guess i just don't get what people want out of a "great coparenting relationship." To me that is a marriage?
When i got divorced we had a CO that spelled out who got the kids when, who pays for what, even how to timeshare holidays. Each parent must tell the other information they find out on serious medical conditions or school issues. It stated how much time we could take the kids out of town on vacation each year and how far in advance we had to let the other know. What to do if a parent had to leave town. We follow the plan and that's that.
My current SO just can't seem to get it together, though. When we started dating the ex wife was hanging out at his house all the time, cooking, having family meals, and that's when she would see the kids. I stopped that, but now it's just a clusterfrick of multiple daily exchanges.
I think the root of he problem is that in my SO's case, neither parent will accept and follow the CO. And he is too afraid of not seeing his kids every day to try and change it to something they can live with. It's honestly about control, and he is the one who won't let go and follow the CO.
That went off topic but i think the problem with people who can't "coparent" is that one or both just cannot accept that they are divorced and they have to share their child with the other parent. They can't let go and follow the CO, and give up control while the child is with the other. Because a good CO is like paint by numbers. You follow it, set up a new normal, and you don't have to think about "coparenting" much at all.
ETA if therapy can make them get a good CO and follow it, it may be worth it.
New normal
I think Rumpelstiltkin's comment about "new normal" is key to successful "co-parenting" in a divorced situation.
To successfully co-parent in divorce, both parents have to be willing to accept the fact that they no longer control everything in their child's life and that the other parent has just as much right to make decisions and have opinions on the child. In the best co-parenting situation, both parents accept that their new normal includes lives separate from one another and they can separate their own wants and needs from those of their children. They are confident enough to not only allow their child(ren) to feel happy and safe with the other parent, but they go out of their way to encourage it.
They are truly open to letting go of their old life and play with the fact that their new normal includes two separate, but equal homes for their children.
Extended families also have to accept this new normal as well. It's okay for people to grieve for the old life, but at some point, everyone has to tell themselves that a new normal may be different, but it is not bad, and often times it is actually better than when the "original" family was still intact.
In my view, each parent would be better served working through their own personal issues on their own and once they've done that and have made peace with their new normal, then they can figure out what the remaining co-parenting issues are. If each parent doesn't do their own individual work, then "co-parenting" counseling will likely just be one or both parents trying to get the other to take on their baggage that they haven't worked through themselves, trying to pass their remaining hurt on to the other parent, and not actually figuring out what a healthy, co-parenting relationship with appropriate boundaries and cooperation actually looks like.
OMG YES!!!!!!!!!
"If they were able to "co-parent" they'd still be married. "
OMG yes!!! There is no reason for divorced people to go to counseling together!! This is just another way for people to make money of divorce!
In my opinion, counseling can
In my opinion, counseling can only change a situation if both people involved are willing and able to be reflective and think about how they might do things differently to create more healthy boundaries and a more cooperative situation.
Also in my opinion, HCBM's are incapable of seeing any perspective other than their own and always perceive themselves to the right and the other person (whomever it is) to be wrong, so counseling is useless.
In my case, BM has pushed DH for "co-parenting counseling" with her, but he's refused to go. She doesn't budge on anything and just wants to use counseling as an opportunity for someone else to say that DH is wrong and she's right. She and DH went to counseling before they divorced and BM stormed out and refused to keep going after the counselor told DH that divorce would be good for him because BM is abusive and that if he wanted 50/50 custody, he could easily get it.
Counseling is a waste of time for a person who is not willing to change.
Often the BM just wants the attention back on her.
The BM in my situation pushed for "family" counseling when she could see DH (then BF) and I were getting serious. She really thought DH would be pining away for her trashy ass forever and freaked out when she saw he was actually happy. It's a control issue, as the other posters mentioned, so the BM gets to pick over everything in the life of the skid (in reality your and DH's life together) in order to change it to suit her whims. But, they really just want to remain relevant and at the center of attention.
Co-parenting shouldn't be that hard. Get a solid CO, stick with it. Only contact in case of emergency or infrequent to the point emails entailling any necessary financials. Live separate lives and move on. They're divorced!
It amazes me to see how some BM's (and BD's) completely fail to consider the consequences of divorcing. The seem to think the can cherry pick the parts of being married they liked, such as money and being top priority, and keep them, but get rid of the parts of marriage they didn't enjoy (being faithful etc). So they divorce and continue to expect to have their lifestyle paid for, for their ex to be their emotional support, to be put as priority, but at the same time have total control over every little aspect of the ex's life. It's pathetic.
I would not entertain this co-parenting therapy idea at all. I really don't see what there is to gain for you and your family.
Co-parenting therapy?
Co-parenting therapy? Hahahahaha! I think we can agree that that's usually code for "high conflict BM needs individual therapy". Nobody wants to actually say that, though (the therapists and judges).
It's like punishing both of your kids when deep down, you know that only one of them did something wrong.
Exactly! Also in MY case
When BM is NOT getting her way she wants to drag DH to "therapy". Funny how the courts don't give a crap about pushing/forcing co-parenting therapy no mater how dysfunctional the parents are BUT god forbid BM all of a sudden whats to go they are ALL over DH 's ass to go along. I SO hate family court.
My children's Father & I were
My children's Father & I were court ordered to it. We set rules, throughout our marriage, to be respectful to one another, keep our home harmonious, etc. We didn't have rules at Court or in Mediation. We would go there & really let it all out. Judge ordered us to "co-parenting". We couldn't figure out why. Our Therapist explained it to us... We sat in her waitingroom, calmly discussing some things about our kids' schedules, & then ripped into each other during our session. We learned in premarital counseling to separate our fighting from our home, etc (we actually wrote our initial separation agreement & holiday schedule in a restaurant we hated, figured we would make "bad" memories there).
It was helpful but it was helpful because WE weren't over. Instead of the Marriage & Family Therapist we saw BEFORE separating who was trying to SAVE our marriage, the "co-parenting" Therapist helped us to bury our marriage, mourn it & move on. We needed to MOVE ON.
We're about to employ these tactics again. We have to make some tough decisions about one of our kids. We decided to include our spouses & do it in person. We're doing it at the restaurant we hate
So my take is that co-parenting therapy helps the parents sort through their feefees. We were still living in the same home, in separate bedrooms, we were FRESHLY separated. We're 15 years out from that. Freshly separated could be helpful. This far out & it's weird.
I love your restaurant idea -
I love your restaurant idea - I would never have thought of that!
This sounds like the coparenting therapy was really helpful for your past relationship. I'm sure it helps that you two are reasonable people who can spot when you are acting in unhelpful ways and choose to change. You are both even able to apreachiate that new spouses are also involved in parenting your kids and can be included in important decisions. So healthy, it is almost bizare to read about on here!
"We're about to employ these
"We're about to employ these tactics again. We have to make some tough decisions about one of our kids. We decided to include our spouses & do it in person. We're doing it at the restaurant we hate."
Hopefully you're not planning on telling your respective spouses you're getting back together. "for the sake of the kid!"?
Love these comments above:
Love these comments above: “I guess I just don't get what people want out of a "great co-parenting relationship. To me that is a marriage?” And, “Counseling is a waste of time for a person who is not willing to change.” Plus, “It amazes me to see how some BM's (and BD's) completely fail to consider the consequences of divorcing. They seem to think they can cherry pick the parts of being married they liked, such as money and being top priority, and keep them, but get rid of the parts of marriage they didn't enjoy (being faithful etc.).”
I think these thoughts are at the core of why I, and other SMs, get so upset when there is all of this emphasis on “co-parenting,” no matter what the cost to others. It is yet another one of those things that sounds good on paper, but in reality, it heavily implies that it is all about mom and dad pretending, while SMs (or step-dads) and others close by have to suck it up and take it. How much sucking up are we expected to do for someone else’s poor decision making? And, for some !@#$! reason, people seem to think that after a divorce, mom and dad are suddenly going to or have to become ideal parents, and if they don't, well. . . it has to be the new partner in mom’s or dad’s life.
Generally, the best you can hope for after a divorce is a separate peace and not all of this “group hug” type stuff. Again, I find myself thinking, if mom and dad were that into co-parenting, they never would have gotten divorced in the 1st place. Along with, it wasn’t “kids first” when mom and dad were married, so why is it suddenly “kids first” after the divorce? Other than, it sounds good on paper and allows mom and dad an excuse to do whatever under the guise of “kids first.”
And, it is truly amazing how some BMs and bio-dads completely fail to consider the post-consequences of divorcing. As stated above, it is truly like they seem to think they can cherry pick the parts they like and get rid of the parts they don’t, and at the same time, any future partners or spouses of theirs are just expected to suck it up and take it. AND, society as a whole (incl. counselors, court system, etc.) seem to heavily back them up on this. How could any divorced woman (or man), for example, think that they can quite literally replace their ex’s current spouse at a wedding, for example, or at any event, for that matter. No permission needed. Yet, this happens all the time.
It is as if, if I want to be by my husband's side of 15 years at an event, that is somehow construed as an insult to my husband's earlier marriage and any children from that marriage. Yet, at the time time, it is OK to pretend a marriage of 15 years doesn't exist and place said husband next to an old GF/ ex- from 15+ years ago--that somehow isn't insulting, and not just to my husband and I either, to everybody who knows we are long since married!!? Then, to make sure 'sloppy seconds' gets carved even deeper, as a SM, I'm considered evil if I even question it!!? That's just plain nuts.
Why? Because apparently after you divorce you get to cherry pick. You get the ever lifetime pass to decide when, to whom, and how you want to be "married." Like, it never even occurred to either one of them that either could and probably will remarry and that that new marriage will now be the priority in their ex’s life vs. them. Kind ‘a dumb to get divorced and not even think about that ahead of time. And, then, to try to justify these feelings of betrayal, in order to get back at their ex- or back into their life or make themselves the “priority” again, they come up with all of this BS about “we have to co-parent” or “kids first.” Yeah, way too many who should know better fall for that.
What amazes me is how therapists, family court judges,
law guardians ect expect parents to put their kids on pedestals and worship them. BM said in court she "chose to put her life on hold for her children" meaning NO DATING, NO girls night with friends and getting a babysitter for the brats. Nope she is FULLY devoted to these brats. How can you tell me thats healthy for ANYONE even the kids?? Well the "wonderful" family court judge thought that was WONDERFUL BM is doing this and even threw it in DH face in court. Big WTF. So I guess if people divorce they are screwed to ever date or have ANY kind of life outside of the kids. No wonder kids of divorce are such miserable selfish brats.
Amen.
I'm seriously considering leaving my relationship due to the constant "coparenting" that disrupts every day of my life with my SO. Constantly changing plans, constant texts and calls, the ex coming to and from the house daily for daily exchanges. I'm so done and if they have to talk daily and both of them have to see each kid daily, they should *really* put the kids first, by getting back together and being an intact family. I love my SO but i am ready to break up with his ex. That would mean breaking up with him too, because they are constantly connected.
Well. . . I’ve said before
Well. . . I’ve said before that it is very hypocritical for the US to act like divorce is OK, yet remarriage is viewed with suspicion. This is despite that fact that pretty much every religion in the US, with a few exceptions, has no problem remarrying anyone, along with the US court system, of course.
But, apparently, once you are actually remarried, things change. Suddenly, all of these religions and the US court system looks at and sees that remarriage (or long term SO) as a second or lesser marriage or even just plain bad. None of this is written down anywhere in legal documents, but as step-parents we see this every day in our lives, this sloppy seconds attitude, several examples of which are given above. And, you yourself don't even need to have been married before. It could be your first marriage and your partners 2nd marriage, with children from a previous relationship, and you'll still be viewed the same.
SMs are subjected to hearing over and over about, “Don’t be the mom,” yet rarely are BMs told, “Don’t be the wife.” And, as we all know, BMs are at least just as likely to try to be the wife as SMs are to be the mom.
So, truly either the US needs to not allow divorce; or, if you do divorce, you get to embrace celibacy for the rest of your life. None of this in-between stuff. It is asinine to think that so much of the aftermath burden of a divorce is to be placed not on the divorced couple, but rather on who they remarry instead. (This is aside from the COD.) Unfortunately, very few SMs see this dichotomy until they are well into the relationship, whether by marriage or “ours” baby, etc. Again, how much sucking up are we expected to do for what amounts to someone else’s poor decision making?
"Don't be the wife." I like
"Don't be the wife." I like that. Of course, that only works if the BM in question can differentiate her own needs from those of her children. Sadly, HCBMs cannot do this...
Agreed
i can't stand the way society, in laws, old friends, everyone really, acts as though the "second marriage" is not real, just a poor mans version of a "first marriage". Unless you are polygamous, there is no second wife or first wife. There is only one wife allowed. And that marriage has absolutely no less standing than a previous one.
It's like arranged marriages, shotgun marriages, duty marriages, and ever drunk "let's get married" type of failed unions are still repected and treated as more important, more valid than a subsequent marriage. If anything a "second" marriage should be treated as more special, because usually (hopefully) a second marriage has occurred after deep personal reflection, due dilligence, and insight into creating a life with the person you have really thought about hard, know what you want, are mature, and have been through a failed marriage which shows you what you don't want. Too many "first" marriages are ill thought out, and as such are disasters, either short lived or long term but miserable.
For a person to put their hearts on the line, knowing the trauma and difficulty in divorcing (even if it was a loveless marriage there is a lot of stress and displacement involved) that is something to consider very serious.
I do not abide by double standards. And unfortunately, they come in abounds in a second marriage. In laws are likely to be disinterested, or you have no place in their family because BM is still there in your rightful position, and just in general society, associates etc mostly treat the marriage as a non-entity. Whoever has that attitude, sees me walk away. I have from some of DH's family and friends, as well as one member of my family. I guess I just have less and less time and patience for anyone as I grow older who choose to treat my marriage as anything less than. And it is a choice, for both of us. If they choose to treat me with less worth than BM (regardless of the cheating, theiving, con artist disgusting excuse for a human), then my choice is to treat them as if they don't exisit, because they won't in my life.
Sorry, my rant for today
That's my rant every day
That's my rant every day
.
That's enmeshment, called co
That's enmeshment, called co-parenting so that they can justify it. Don't waste any more of your time.
I would only agree to
I would only agree to coparenting therapy if I chose the therapist. I would find a therapist who was well exprienced in identifying and confronting PAS and manipulative toxic parental bullshit.
In this case parallel parenting is the way to go IMHO. Cut BM off from all DH funds other than CS or otherwise COd contributions.
BAD idea!!
If they could Co - anything they would still be married. I agree with strugglingSM
How old are the kids? I didn't see that answered.
Second, you mentioned your DH is manipulated by BM and you are the one that does the backing up.
It would be like walking into a lions den for your DH going to therapy with BM and I actually don't see the point. His life's work is not to repair his relationship and broken family with BM, it is for all involved to learn to function in reality. Their new reality is they are no longer a family and the days to go to therapy AS a family were when DH and BM were still married. If this was a good therapist they would be teaching the family to co-exist in what is now reality.
I think it is a bad idea all the way around.