Anxiety Overload! Need some Suggestions. Tell me what you guys do. PLEASE
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OMG...the Screaming, Annoying animal noises, RUDENESS, breaking of things, CONSTANT BACK TALK, laziness, DISRESPECTFUL, spoiled step brats!
During their weekday evening visits I can "disappear" for the few hours they are over. The HUGE problem is the whole weekend visits and long holidays. I dread when these spoiled Disrespectful brats are over to a point my Anxiety stress is over the roof.
I can't be the ONLY one on these fourms who HATE the step kids. Please give me some of your coping skills for those long visits. What do you guys do? I don't have any local family so going to visit family will not work. Give me a list to work off of
Create sacred space for yourself
We have a garage made into man cave, SD14 has her own room, Ive got my room and 2 living rooms, and in nice weather I can hang outside. Get headphones for your jams, find or create a space that is JUST for you. Ive also been investing in bath products. Excercise equipment. Etc.
i leave the house, if
i leave the house, if possible, or go to our room (no kids allowed, period), read, watch a movie (headphones essential!!!).
I also have developed an amazing ability to ignore things and let DH deal with it.
I love to read and can absorb
I love to read and can absorb into a good book. Even if it isn't good and SS16 is there- I can tune out the world. I will check out and pretty much ignore everyone. "Not on purpose, you know how I am when I read!" LOL
Cooking. No one but my daughter and occasionally my son will help me cook- I tend to make really complex meals that will keep me in the kitchen for a couple of hours. I do really enjoy cooking though, so I am cool with it.
I also found that "having a cold coming on" is good for an early bedtime for a few days...
Also- Xanex and Whiskey...
Figure out a way to disappear
Look at clubs, volunteer for hospitals, food banks, clubs, anything. To get out and meet other people. Other people may help you find other groups
Turn your bed room into a getaway. Microwave, min frig snacks.
Make your DH take care of his kids by himself
My coping skills is to not
My coping skills is to not cope as a first line of defense. I tell DH exactly what the problems are and expect him to fix it. If he didn't fix it, short-term I'd probably visit family, go out with friends, take up a new hobby that took up a bunch of my time, lock myself up in my room and binge TV all day, etc. This is the stuff I did with my XH when HE was being a disrespectful SOB.
Long-term, though, I'd be re-evaluating my situation. If my DH (or in my case, XH, because DH doesn't tend to tolerate crap from his kids) didn't see the need of fixing things IN SPITE OF me pointing them out AND me disconnecting and disengaging every time his kids were over, I'd likely reconsider my marriage. It's 100% not healthy to remain in a situation that does nothing but cause stress and upset you.
Leaving is hard. Staying is easy, for a while, because you've already been in a routine and can just keep it going. Eventually, though, you either get tired of it or you become a different person.
Don't disappear, solve the
Don't disappear, solve the problem. Find a new equity life partner.
Any one of the behavioral issues you listed on your DH's failed parent portfolio would have been a near death sentence in my parents home as well as in our home while raising SS.
You do realize that your SO is a crappy father right? I get that BM also is a crappy parent but what goes on in her home is irrelevant to what your DH allows to occur in your home.
End it.
Do not roll the dice on a failed family breeder who is also a failed parent next time. Hedge your relationship bets on a baggage free option.
Book a really nice hotel room
Book a really nice hotel room. Trust me. I just did for the first time and I was worried I wouldn't enjoy it or that it would be weird. Loved every second. And it sends a strong message to the (no doubt) guilty daddy.
If that's not an option lock yourself in the bedroom with Netflix and wine.
Suggest daddy take them on a full day outing (and you stay home)
Glad you did this! Can't
Glad you did this! Can't remember if you're one of the posters I gave this advice to...but yes. Hotel rooms are salvation sometimes!
OP - the leave advice or the "make him parent" advice might be right for you...or it might not. Only you can know. Honestly, for me, I did make him be the parent and it helped but didn't actually solve the problem.
I didn't "force him to parent" verbally but I did take a huge step back and quit doing so much/taking on so much responsibility.
Hubs stepped up...Skid behavior did improve...but I STILL didn't like them in my space for extended periods of time. I just didn't like it, no matter how well behaved they were. I enjoyed having them over for a dinner...going out with them to do an activity...but something about them lounging all over my home set my teeth on edge.
Obviously, that's a me problem. It's not reasonable to expect my partners kids to not ever be at our shared home or to ask him to cut back on custody. So I had to find other solutions that worked for me...which didn't mean I was "running away" or "hiding" from the problem. I was solving it.
In your heart of hearts...will you suddenly love having the skids in your home if they behave like angels? Saying no doesn't make you a bad person...but recognizing this fact can save you a lot of grief. Of the answer is no...if you just know on your gut that even if they make zero noise you're not ever going to LIKE having them there...then start disengaging and carving out your sacred space ASAP. Don't waste any time asking your DH to change this behavior or that behavior or thinking: "If only XY or Z were different, then I could tolerate his kids."
Don't do any of that. Just make him be the parent...and you live your life while they're there.
I was put on a low dose
I was put on a low dose anxiety med when I talked to a doctor about it. I went from not sleeping or only getting 2-3 hours when they were here to 6-8.
Living well is the best
Living well is the best coping strategy, and the best revenge.
Enjoy exacting your revenge on the brats.
I feel you
I would not say I hate my stepkids but I can SO see it getting there. I am so sorry you have to deal with life like that. My husband's kids are here all week and I hid in my room, no kids allowed, even though that doesn't matter sometimes.... thank god I have school and pregnancy to use as an excuse if nothing else. How old are the kids if you don't mind me asking.