I am 21 years old, and married my husband 2 years ago in Dec. of this year. It seems like yesterday, because I just keep thinking I will get out. When I met him, I was in a rough time of my life, and I just needed somebody, ANYBODY!! I thought he was somebody I could love & trust. He listened to my problems, held me close, and he acted like I was his whole world! Obviously, I was insecure & naive, but didn't realize it at the time. Soon after we started going out things started unraveling! It started with me finding out that MOST of what he had told me about himself was a lie! He said these things to impress me. The thing is, I only found out one or two things at a time, so it took me 6-12 months to finally realize the truth about him & his past. I felt sorry for him, because I thought he just needed somebody to believe in him. By then, my parents had moved to another state, and I was forced to either move 16 hours away from the life I knew, get a place of my own, or get a place with my BF (now hubby). As you may have guessed....we ended up getting a place together. I can't even begin to tell you everything we went thru BEFORE we got married. He always swore things would be different, and it was always a lie. I had to bail him out of jail on three different occasions with my hard earned $6 an hour, and eventually my parents had to help, too, because nobody in his family would help him anymore. Basically, everything about him was a LIE....I was lucky he told me his real name. ANyway, at some point, he convinced me he was going to change. My family was coming in for X-mAs, and my mom refused to stay out our home because we were not married & living together(which she didn't believe in). This truly hurt me, because my mom is someone I have always loved, trusted, and wanted approval from, and I decided I was going to marry him, since that was what I had said I would do, anyway, and I figured things would get better. Long story short, for the first 8-12 months of marriage was pretty well hell on earth. He went out with friends and got drunk all of the time, and didn't even come home at night on several occasions(making me wonder to this day, if he may have cheated, but he swears he hasn't). Then there were other times he would come home, and yell at me for no reason. I HATED HIM SO MUCH, but I needed him at the same time, and I knew he needed me!! I felt like I had nowhere to go. My family was two states away, and I raise Chihuahuas, and have about 15-20 and you can't just pack up with 20 dogs and leave, and they are my life, so I don't, and didn't want to sell them. Anyway, this story could go on forever, so I'll try to make it short. He now has 3 DWI's, so he is a felon, and can't get his DL for 5 years (3 years now). He has a 4 yr old son, that I knew about when we met, but I come from a family with 7 kids, so I didn't think a kid would be a big deal. ANyway, I was only around his son (Christian) about 4-5 times, IF THAT, before marriage, because his stupid BM always wants to play mind games, and wouldn't let him see his son. Well, now, going on 1 1/2 yrs later, we have SS most of the time, because BM moved to another state, and the only person taking care of the child was his Great grandmother. I was not prepared for this, and I still am not. Our marriage alone has been hell up until the last 6-8 months, and we still fight ALL of the time. I know we love each other, and now my husband has really come around a lot. He has a steady job for over a year now, and has stepped up to be a father, and try to support his family. However, I am STILL not happy with our relationship, and I just don't know if I ever will be. I just don't know if I can ever have that feeling for him again...I just feel like we are good friends that have been thru a lot...not like lovers. I was one of those kids that NEVER got in trouble...I've had 2 speeding tickets, and 1 MIP, and that was enough for me. I HATE punishment, and I guess you could say I'm a quick learner. Anyway, now I feel bad asking for a divorce because he is trying to do better, and I know he can't change his past. However, sometimes I feel like it's not fair that he screwed everything up for his future, which is now our future, and I just want to be able to enjoy being young, and not worry about things that I didn't create! I know it sounds selfish, but I gave up SOOO much to be with him, and make things work & help him thru all of his rough times. Most of our relationship I have paid for everything, because he has so many depts, etc.. Not to mention, about 6 months into our relationship I found out he had a little girl almost the same age as his boy. But he said he signed off rights on her, and wasn't going to see her. Well, recently her BM has filed for child support. Anyway, I hate to ramble on, and on, but that is literally how I feel our relationship is....A never ending story of crazy things that shouldn't happen to a happy couple, in love!! I'm just so afraid that I am wasting my time & his time when we could both be happier!! We truly do fight at least 3-4 times a week, and his temper flars at almost nothing, and he won't talk when he's mad. But, at least he has learned how to apologize, even tho sometimes I don't even want an apology, I just want to stay mad at him....which is terrible, but true. Anybody have any advice...I feel horrible for wanting out, because he is trying so hard now, but he was such a jerk the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship....sometimes I just wish I had gotten out sooner, and the longer it goes on the worse it's going to get. I just want to do what is right, and I DON'T KNOW!! Now SS has been involved for about 2 months, so he is not that attached to me, yet. Thanks for reading my book!