My SDs Disgust Me!!
UGH! Where do I begin?! Middle & Oldest SD are about 20 pounds over weigh. Cellulite, stretch marks EVERYTHING! They whine, complain and make excuses about me wanting them to eat healthy. All they want is cookies, junk food, fast food and candy. Oldest will actually make herself puke with her finger, when she don't like something and usually makes sure it is on the rest of her food! Pisses me off! At their BM's house, they get to eat anything they want, when they want and whatever portion they want. Yet BM blames the school for them being over weight, Bull!
Second thing is middle and oldest daughter ALWAYS come to our house smelling like poop and urine. Because they NEVER wipe, never wash their hands, never flush. All of the crap and pee gets left in their underwear! Its very gross! BM obvious don't care! At our house, instead of toilet paper, we have baby wipes so its easier to get the "stuff" off them when they go to the bathroom. However, unless I am in there, telling them to wipe, re wipe ect, they will not do it! Pretty bad I have to supervise a 5 year old and a 7 year old's potty breaks. When they come to my house with nasty/smelly underwear I make them take them off and wash them, their selves; because well... I’m not going to do it! I even thought about putting the dirty nasty underwear in a bag and sending it back to BM's house, so she might get a hint. I can only imagine when they go to school, if they are smelling like that. Wouldn't you think school would report it or something?
Third thing is oldest daughter and middle daughter, are not little ladies. God forbid if they wear a dress. I am contently nagging on them to close their legs, sit don't slouch. Oldest's butt crack shows almost always and I'm always putting a belt on her, which if she wears it back to BM's house, I never see the belt again!
Oldest daughter is plain weird. She actually POSES in the front yard (like you would in front of a mirror) to older little boys living across the road. She cant go to Wal-Mart with us without checking herself out in a mirror and mumbling "I'm hot" or smiling at herself ect. It is so stupid!!
Oldest sometimes sits by me, and rubs my arm and cuddles with me but if she hasn’t JUST taken a bath, it really just makes my skin crawl to be honest.
I try my best to keep their sheets, blankets, pillows clean and neat on their bed. Yet when they are here, they get dragged across the floor, shoved under the bed, snotted on ect. Their clean cloths usually get pulled from their draws and thrown all over the place, and then they are dirty and I have to do at least 2 loads of extra laundry. Its so gross, and I am so sick of it!!
Youngest daughter is fairly good. I have been in her life since she was 6 months so my habits have rubbed off on her enough she isn't so bad. She loves dressing clean, wipes really well for a 4 year old, sits proper in a dress or skirt. So its mostly just the middle and oldest daughter that completely gross me out!
Been where you are... your
Been where you are... your best bet is to document everything. We got custody a couple years ago and the documentation was key. Keep it in one notebook or binder that the kids can't get to. You have two choices. Try and take custody from the mother so that you can get these kids where they deserve to be (whats the mothers situation? Deadbeat? Drugs? What is her problem that shes allowing this behavior?)Or, you can continue to do the best you can when you have them and to encourage communication between your husband and his ex regarding their cleanliness and behavior. Some of what you say disturbs me. If they are going to school clearly showing negligence, one of their teachers who are mandated reporters for abuse should have called CPS and documented it.
Yes, Oldest is 7 or well...
Yes, Oldest is 7 or well... will be 7 on May 2nd. Middle child is 5 and will turn 6 in September and youngest is 4 and will be 5 in November. We are currently documenting the situation, just started. Kansas is a women bound state and it will take a few years to have enough evidence to go to court and actually be able to win. BM is a somewhat deadbeat in our eyes, but everyone from social works, to schools ect see her as SUCH a wonderful mommy trying her best; only because she is a con.
Like aep0418 said, the best we can do for now is to try and influence them the best we can. I do NOT want the responsibility of all 3 kids full time. Unless it 100% comes down to abuse or neglect; right now its just her being stupid and a slob herself and it rubbing off on her kids. I believe if it comes to going to court, they should buckle down on her and MAKE her be the mother she needs to be. Not just take them away and deem us responsible of her spawns and let her get away with not being the mother she needs to be!
Edited to say: We have them full time in the summer, she has them full time in the winter. We see them every other weekend during the winter and she sees them every other weekend during the summer.
I've been there too. Good job
I've been there too. Good job on documenting things. Take lots of pictures and save them. What do their teachers say about their issues.
Try to remember they are products of pi$$ poor parenting by BM. They are her pawns. If they had their choice, they'd choose for her to be a better mom too. That being said, the courts can't force anyone to be a parent if they don't want to be, or don't have it in them. If you do get custody, DH needs to line up counseling for them and lots of help from family and friends to help look after them when he cannot.
So these girls are 4, 5, and
So these girls are 4, 5, and 6. They're awfully young and you sound awfully critical. Let their father handle them. Period. You cook what you want to cook. They eat or don't eat. Simple. No snacks.
I couldn't help but notice that you are picking on a whole slew of "little" things about these small children, but one could just as easily pick on your less-than-stellar written communication.
Just recognize people are different. These little girls weigh more. So what? You don't speak well. So what? Sometimes, just sometimes, life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
Oh, and have DH do the laundry. I'm not a fan of poopy underwear.
Have you even read my blogs??
Have you even read my blogs?? Yes, ma'am. I have stepchildren. Way too many of them, as a matter of fact! }:)
Yes, the little things add up IF WE LET THEM. We have control over ourselves. We cannot control others. OP cannot "make" BM be the mom she thinks she should be. It's that simple.
I think it's VERY easy for us to criticize others without realizing just how easy it would be for others to criticize us.
Absolutely she can
Absolutely she can vent.
We're talking about 3 kids who aren't even school age. Sometimes, a different perspective helps us. Sometimes not. It's up to the OP to decide if a different perspective helps.
Where is dad in all of
Where is dad in all of this?
We have the same problems with my youngest SDs(4~5 next month and7). Their panties turn my stomach. When they come to our house, their DAD makes them get in the tub and gives them a good bath.
Their dad wraps the nasty panties up in a plastic bag and sends them back home to BM. Their dad gives them clean panties (and clothes) to put on that he purchased to keep at our house.
Their dad signed them up for kid fitness and swimming classes at the Y. (The 7 year old is 140 pounds). The 4 year old is a string bean.
BM may be a nasty, lazy POS, but dad needs to step up his game. It shouldn't all fall on you.
140 pound 7 year old? Yikes.
140 pound 7 year old? Yikes.
You're RIGHT. This is Dad's deal!!
I agree with this. Let him
I agree with this. Let him deal with the nasty parts, and ship the dirty clothes back to BM to deal with. DH needs to be helping you out more and taking control of those kids when they're in your home.
You can't control BM, so don't even try. Best of luck to you!
I blame both parents. The
I blame both parents.
The child was born 4 months before their wedding. The dress she wore to the wedding was a size 18months. In the picture she looks one.
DF says BM started to add cereal to her bottles at 3 weeks. (To make her sleep all night. )Any time she cried, they gave her a bottle.
His family hit the roof. Her family backed her because "we have always done it this way."
She refused to listen to the child's doctor. Why? Because her mother told her the doctor didn't know how to feed black babies.
I asked DF why he didn't do anything about it. (This was BM's first child, DF's third). He plays the work card.
CPS is a joke. "They are eating. Mom has plenty of food in the home". UNFOUNDED
BM cooks typical soul food because "that's the way my momma cooked for us. When she makes veggies, she cooks them with pork fat. She deep fries chicken and fish.
DF wasn't much better. He wants to place all of the blame on BM, but he was in that home as well. After the divorce,he continued the same bad habits.
When I meet him, she was 41/2 and 90 pounds. A year later when he took her to the doctor for a physical to start school, she was 110.
When I tried to get him to do something about her weight, we would fight. He felt I was pikcking on her. Since I hated mom, I was attacking gthe kid....
He didn't take action until she started school last year. and he was able to compare her to her classmates. She was the largest kid in the class. She couldn't keep up with the others on the playground and of course they teased her.
I agree with you 100%. Both parents share the blame and both need to work on fixing the problem.
I agree with
I agree with stepmomma.in.hiding. You are entitled to your opinion, however I don't really CARE if I am not a perfect writer or speller, I never claimed to be. My point gets across non-the-less! Didn't know this site was about the abc's and getting critiqued on my spelling errors; oh wait, its not! It is where step parents come to vent. As stepmomma.in.hiding said, it IS the little things that add up and drive one nuts. Its difficult when one parent is slacking and the other actually cares. They are a little young to be so picky with them? Well lets see if waiting till their 16 and then try to teach them hygiene, manners and healthy eating habits and see how far you get. You won’t get anywhere! When their young, is when it is most important. If it was simply just one little thing, I wouldn't of wasted my time making a post about it now would I?
All you are saying is let DH deal with it all, let them waste food, let them be fat and unhealthy, let them have nasty underwear blah blah blah. Well.. sorry but not at my house. Rules will be followed, I will not sit back and make DH take care of it all; he is fed up with it too! When they are at our home; portion controlled eating will be met, they WILL dress proper and not like slobs, they will not be allowed to have gross underwear . You are pretty much saying let everything be how it is because changing it is too hard or impossible. Sounds like it is alright with you, or you yourself have the same low expectations like my SDs’ BM does. Humm? If I am wrong, perhaps your "written communication" needs to be a little more clear also!
If the court sees all these little things going on, something will be demanded of her to change how she is raising them, it won’t be just over looked. If it is best for them to live with us, then so be it, we will make it work to have them be in a better situation. Ill deal with it and take on the responsibility!
This is a quote from a link
This is a quote from a link someone posted earlier today.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
But first, you must explain to DH and SKs what is happening. This is what you say: "Everyone is unhappy, our home is miserable, and I'm completely frustrated and angry all the time. You kids are angry and frustrated with me, and it's getting worse. Someone has to do something about this, and I decided that it will be me. I have decided that I will no longer be responsible for getting you to bed on time, or getting you up in the mornings. I will not tell you to wash your hands before dinner, and I will not tell you to brush your teeth or take a bath. (You must list all those things for which you have assumed responsibility, whatever they are). I am no longer going to do anything that will give you the opportunity to treat me with disrespect. In the future, if you need anything, you must ask your dad. I will no longer take responsibility for (whatever, getting your school supplies, shopping for your clothes, doing your laundry, taking you to basketball practice, etc.) What I hope to accomplish is for us to begin to get along with each other, and the only way I know to do that is to let your dad be the parent."
And every time they ask you for something, or ask permission for something, you say "Go ask your dad." Your SKs may end up missing out on some terrific things because of your Disengaging, but it was a choice they made when they decided to make your life miserable. Never give them the opportunity to treat you disrespectfully.
Many of you may be saying, does all this mean I have no rights? Absolutely not. You must choose your battles, and to disengage, your battles should be about those things that DIRECTLY affect you. For example, you have a right to keep your home with the degree of neatness and cleanliness that you desire (just leave the SKs rooms alone and concentrate on the communal areas). You can say, "From now on, I expect everyone to put their stuff away by bedtime. Since I will no longer be asking you to do it because I don't want to argue with you, anything that is left out after 9:00 will be disposed." Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to DH for his kids to keep their "stuff," HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you don't clear the table after dinner, I will not set a place for you at the next meal." Period, no discussion, just do it If it's important to DH for his kids to eat, HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom, they will be disposed." Are you getting the idea? If DH chooses to do his children's chore, let him. The aim is NOT to straighten out your SKs deficiencies, it's to get your DH involved with his children, in whatever way he chooses, and to lessen your work load. If the kids are going to be unappreciative, let them be unappreciative of their dad.
"When they are at our home;
"When they are at our home; portion controlled eating will be met, they WILL dress proper and not like slobs, they will not be allowed to have gross underwear."
This is right. But, you only choose what you do, you can't force their dad to enforce it.
You can only serve healthy food, and not make eating junk food an option in your home. Does their dad support you? Great! If not, you can serve only healthy meals, and have no part of it if he chooses to provide them with junk. If they refuse to eat healthy foods, and that is all that is made available to them, they will eat when they get hungry. If you are providing meals, CPS will not fault you for the child refusing to eat.
My question is, does their
My question is, does their father allow this from his kids?
If he doesn't allow it, it should be fairly simple for you and he together to establish expectations for when they are in your home. Children are capable of adjusting to different expectations in different environments. It's a skill everyone must learn if they are to be productive adults.
If he does allow it, you will be fighting a battle constantly, and it will be difficult to live in peace.
In that case, I would carefully choose my battles.
Oh no, DH is with me on this!
Oh no, DH is with me on this! Him and I are usually on the same page about parenting! Its really bad during the weekend when we have them and they are full time with their mother. Once we get them for the summer full time, its about 2 month fighting with them on everything and 1 month of pretty clean, respectful kids (for the most part). then when they go back full time to the BM's, the process starts all over again!
We do reward them, love on them, tell them how proud we are when they do things we like. It not just constant nagging, we reward also. The food deal, when they don't eat what we serve them or they make their selves puke all over their plate. We toss the food, put a new plate in the fridge until they complain they are hungry again, then they get served the exact some thing. Telling them "until you eat this, you will get nothing else" Eventually they eat. If they eat what is served the first time, they get a small snack.
The dirty underwear is a content battle all year round. You think they would get sick of hand washing their nasty drawers and get the point. For now its like I said, me or DH in the bathroom with them, every time they go, telling them to wipe, re wipe, wash your hands and flush. Gets old quick! Don't know any other way, except consistency and telling them how gross it is, how unhealthy it is, how they will get infections, other kids will not want to play with them if they have smell poopy ect. Then sending home the dirty underwear (which I haven’t done yet, but am going to start doing). I need some extra ideas on this for sure!
I'm glad you and your husband
I'm glad you and your husband are on the same page. At least you are not dealing with a man who is in denial.
It's difficult to establish different expectations for hygeine, because it's more about habits than behaviors.... so it is a tough thing.
Brace yourself for the summer...
And maybe go ahead and start reminding them that you will have expectations all summer of washing every day, wiping appropriately, etc.... so they can begin to prepare their minds.
With the school age kids, it might need to be a little stricter, like if their underwear shows they didn't wipe, they lose a privilege the next day.
A quick question: does BM
A quick question: does BM have a mental illness?
It would seem to be so, but
It would seem to be so, but doubtful.
Well, believe it or not I
Well, believe it or not I found this forum because I was looking for the reason behind this very behavior. My DS moved in with us 3 years ago and we have been battling ever since. finally after almost getting kicked out of school a couple of months ago we decided to take her to see a professional therapist. She has been diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and apparently this behavior is very common amongst neglected kids... YES neglected (foster, adoptive, step, etc) I don't know what to say about the ones that have the issue with bio-kids but it is also common in a home where both parents worked since the children were born. All I can tell you is that it will be a long battle and unless you get professional help, it will be almost impossible. They will hide their dirty underwear, hoard food in their bedroom etc. You and your husband HAVE to be a united front on this and have consistency. Writing a detailed list of the rules of the household,responsibilities of each member, consequences for not following and rewards for doing so will help a great deal. Having a strict schedule for meals, bath, wake-up, and bed time will also help. you have to follow the rules and schedule religiously and lead by example. It is hard trust me but we can already see improvements on our 15-yo. (when she moved in she was 11) here is a link for the disorder:
I wish you the best of the luck:
http://www.attachment.org/pages_what_is_rad.php