Lost my cool....
Okay, you may have read my previous threads about SD11 and her HORRIBLE hygiene. If you didn't, to sum it up, she refuses to use toilet paper; doesn't flush toilet; won't wear deodorant; won't brush teeth. Half the time she'll stand in the shower and not use any frickin' soap.
Well I really, really lost my cool today. She came out of the shower...went in the bathroom, the toilet was full of her poop and pee (and NO TOILET PAPER, AGAIN). I checked and it was CLEAR she hadn't used any soap (body puff was hanging up where we keep it to dry, wasn't wet.) I checked her hair, and it was absolutely filthy, greasy, and smelly. I tried to nicely remind her that it's poor hygiene to use the restroom and not wipe, and even worse to not use any soap or shampoo.
Her response was "geez, ok, whatever!!"
Well, I lost it. I'm just sick of her crap I guess, and I lost it. I yelled these exact words: "What the hell is wrong with you? You are 11 freaking years old and you just took a dump, didn't wipe, took a shower, didn't bathe, now you are talking around with your butt covered in poop and you stink, child, you stink! What don't you understand? You stink!"
I feel bad. I mean there were better ways I could have dealt with it. But I'm just at my wits end. She doesn't get it. I cannot comprehend taking a giant dump and just getting up, not flushing, not wiping, just pulling your underwear up and letting them get covered in your own pee and poop. I don't understand being 11, an age where most girls are really starting to care about their looks and their hygiene, and absolutely not caring.
I still feel bad. I shouldn't have yelled at her the words that I did.
Hopefully her mom and dad are
Hopefully her mom and dad are trying to do something to help her with her hygiene?
Kids in school are going to
Kids in school are going to be a lot more harsh than you were. At least you a trying to help her.
To those of you asking what
To those of you asking what her dad and her BM are in all this...
...Her BM died a few months back.
...Her dad works nights and is hardly ever home, so I'm pretty much a single parent to this kid.
I understand her mom's death has been hard on her and all and perhaps that's part of why she's neglecting hygiene but it's just unacceptable and disgusting.
I already told her that tomorrow, I'm not going to remind her about one thing. If she doesn't shower, ok. If she doesn't brush her teeth, ok. Then she'll go to school and some mean kid will point it out I guess. She will NOT listen to me. She won't. So I hate that it's come to this but I guess she'll have to face what kids will say.
There is a very real
There is a very real possibility that your SD is suffering from depression. After my mother passed away, it was a real struggle to take care of myself, to the point where if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't take a shower, do make up, or tidy my hair. I was 18 when my mother died. It might be within your best interest to see if a counselor can help out. It did for me.
Well she is certainly
Well she is certainly grieving the loss of her mother. Perhaps some counselling is required. She seems to have totally regressed.
That's sad about her mom.
That's sad about her mom. Please consider getting her counseling with someone who specializes in dealing with teens. Maybe she'd also benefit from being in a support group for kids who've lost a parent.
I think that the more natural
I think that the more natural the consequence for inappropriate behavior; the better. Let the girl suffer the natural consequences of not showering properly, wiping, using deodorant, etc. Which is, I guess, being the butt of the joke in front of her peers. Just don't take her anywhere with you out in public - lol. I'd be so embarrassed to be out with her for fear people would think she's my own daughter.
I mean, I wouldn't do this unless I first consulted with her father. See if he'll take this into his own hands. He should.
Also, you might want to consider therapy for this girl if she just lost her mother. As someone else mentioned, this behavior could somehow be related to her loss/grieving.
Wow, what a fun prank call
Wow, what a fun prank call for a slumber party. I need to put that in my party idea notebook. Jesus, that is one of the lowest most sociopathic things I have ever heard/read. Teenagers can be cruel, but that was waaay beyond typical meanness. I'm sorry that happened.
I agree she needs counseling.
I agree she needs counseling. I have told my DH for the last few months that she does. He hasn't acted on it. I cannot take her myself because by the time I'm off work the counseling offices are all closed. My DH, however, has daytime off--I mean it seems like he could take her but he just won't get off his butt and do anything about it.
However, she was doing ALL of this hygiene stuff BEFORE her mother's death as well. It didn't happen as a result of the death.
Unfortunately, in my area
Unfortunately, in my area where there are now anti-bullying laws, the school will never admit to the other kids doing/saying anything because they have to report it if they do. SS13 stink regularly. BF gets phone calls every two weeks or so because of dirt and smells, but the school insists there are no problems with the other kids toward him. What? You're telling me you couldn't even stay in the same room with him because of the smell and no other kid in any of his classes has said a word all school year?
As far as letting it go, no way I'd do that. If the school calls child welfare, it's your butt on the line. I agree with the others, she needs counseling and you should make sure the school knows this is going on and you are trying to get her in shape but not having much luck. Maybe they have a social counseling group at school they can put her in to help kids who are having issues with hygiene learn what is acceptable to reinforce things. SD13 and SS14 are involved in those here.
I don't envy you and I have it going on too. I've lost my cool over it a few times too. Don't feel too bad, you're not making fun of her, you're trying to get her to do the right thing so she can succeed in life.
She needs counseling AND she
She needs counseling AND she needs to properly bathe. Despite the stinky weirdness of it, there are health risks associated with improper hygiene, including UTIs and kidney infections.
If Dad needs to sit in the bathroom with her while she's showering, so be it. She'll learn. Despite whatever psychological issues she's dealing with, he needs to set this boundary/expectation and stick to it .. for her own health.
Understood. Not sure why DH
Understood. Not sure why DH would be okay with a stinky, sickly child walking around. And despite what's running through his head, I can't say I'd find myself attracted to a man who plays doormat to a smelly 11yo.
This! My intact family has
This! My intact family has very definite divisions of labor because DH would not brush 4 year old's hair or even be trusted to keep her in shoes in public. The first time I asked him to dress the baby, he put her in her Christening gown. That's when I knew we were just not on the same page. This is the same person who thinks a vacation should be spent getting as grungy as possible. As if he's still telling his mom, look, I'm off work, I'm an adult, and you can't make me shave this week."
I think there's a big
I think there's a big difference between your DH's choice of outfits and allowing an 11yo to not bathe or wipe herself after using the restroom.
I get your point .. DH is terrible at outfits too .. but his kids always have excellent hygiene when staying in our home. It's a matter of health and self-respect for him.
Yeah- probably not the best
Yeah- probably not the best comparison. Just trying to point out how something SO obvious might not be to a man. Not the same range as health and hygiene, but seriously? An ornate Christening gown that was still in all its wrappings from the store? To hang around the house in the bouncy seat?
looks like her give-a-damn is
looks like her give-a-damn is busted.
i wonder if there's a way to get her to at least rinse her nasty ass? is it a shower/tub combo where you could *accidently* break the shower head, so she'll have to at least sit her ass in a tub of water? the possibility of a uti, bladder or kidney infection is high- depending on the severity it could potentially land her in the hospital (personal experience, but different cause)
not sure u can do much about the hair unless you wash it for her, but i like the idea of making her clean the toilet, and getting some way to rinse that nasty ass off....
My coworkers 4yo girl got
My coworkers 4yo girl got what they thought was a UTI. It was more serious than that, nasty bacterial infection. It was caused by improper wiping...she is 4 and that happens.
Maybe when your SD is running to pee every minute and it burns like crazy, she will get the hint.