Okay well the obvious you guys take full time custody is out. You seem to be resentful that you buy really nice clothes for them and she sends them back in rags. Understanable. So, why buy really nice clothes, you know they are never going to be seen again. Why not take some of the stress off yourself. When you guys have them buy basic clothes, inexpensive jeans, tops, sweatpants, whatever and just enough to get by. Don't over do it. When you pick them up send them back in for winter coats, if they don't have them, buy secondhand ones. If you keep supplying nice stuff, mom will keep sending them over in crap. If things were as bad as she is making them look to you guys, you would think the school would have reported her by now. So, maybe she just enhances her poor mothering so you guys will keep up supplying the extras and very nice extras at that. She may even be selling the nice clothes for all you know. So don't buy them, and when they go home, send them back in the clothes they came over in, do not send back new clothes ever. Dress to impress is what YOU want, and this is not understood or appreciated by mom or the kids. If you must buy GOOD clothes, just do not send them back, if they don't fit next time, donate them to a charity, but if you keep sending them back with the kids to mom's house she will keep sending them back in rags as I said, and when they get older, this is going to cost you far more than it does now.

Now, Dad has to tell them in no uncertain terms, our house our rules, mom's house her rules, and don't argue with them, just keep stating the our house or rules line till they get sick of hearing it. When you are here this is how it is and that is not up for discussion. So, you will just have to put up with their whining over that one sorry. But you are doing the right thing by insisting they step up and do chores, and eat properly, just can't expect them to like it, especially if life is a party at mom's.

You could report her yourself, but is that what you want because if they are removed from her care, guess where they're going. Your house whether it fits in with you guys or not, or foster care. So, you cannot really run her house, just do what you are doing in yours, send them home in the clothes they came in, and don't spend too much money on new stuff, because that is only adding to your frustration and this is one of the few areas where you actually have some control, so take advantage of it

Sorry for what you are going through. Good Luck.

Double Post - Removed

If BM is as bad as you say, then DAD needs to get custody of his kids. If he doesn't, he's just as bad as BM.

The term para makes me think you're in NYC. If ACS steps in and pull the kids, they are going to give them to dad. What will dad do then?

I'd go to thrift stores to buy clothing for them, when they do not fit donate them back again and buy more.
I am concerned about you having an 'image' that you want to maintain, one that the kids do not fit into. You cannot change other people in reality but you can be a consistently good influence on the kids, where's dad on this by the way? Being a good influence really does not pay off until the kids are old enough to do introspection on their own, it's worth every second of turmoil when they are younger to hear them become young adults and actually quote you on stuff. Ours see things for themselves now, they have a better understanding of how things were and SD even told me she knew why I did what I did 'back then' as she put it.
A little girl wearing a tutu is not so uncommon, kind of like a blanket for her. The older girl needs guidance as to what is 'appropriate' behavior and she needs to be told that the sort of behavior she exhibits is to be confined to the privacy of her room. It's natural for a growing child to be very body concious, I'd let her know that it's not abnormal, just confine it to your room please!
Changes in behavior do not happen overnight, you have ducklings that can be swans with the right guidance!
The other thing you can do is to just step back and let daddy handle the whole shebang! Let him see exactly how his girls are growing up and let him take care of issues, I did that and DH pretty quickly got it.

Only pay what the court requires, stop all the extras. Also, make her bring & pick kids or at least share in task. Trust me she will find a way to get them to you on Fridays because you are her free babysitter so she can go out. Stop sending anything or buying anything extra, this is what child support is for. Let her get a real job. I am surprised the judge hasn't made her get one. He would make the father if he didn't have one.

I am in the same state and I *WISH* the judges would make the BMs get better jobs if THEY are the ones quitting on their marriage. If bm is not working, they impute minimum wage, and a para here makes more than minimum wage. So there is nothing the judge can do. In my case, my bf's exw has "no skills" (that's what the judge said) and as long as she is getting that hefty cs check every month, doesn't plan on gaining any.

smof3, there are lots of obese people in this state, don't your skids fit right in?

Okay, now just wondering, if you guys cannot possibly take them as you feel that it would be a strain financially surely you are spending far more on them now than it would to keep them full time. The other thing that concerns me is if your husband agrees to foster them out those kids will be devastated that no parent wanted them. They may be horrible but that is not their fault is it. As far as the mental and emotional strain, well most of that would go as bm would be out of the picture and the kids would settle down to our way of living if Dad stepped up and both of you were on the same page as far as house rules boundaries etc.,

Fair enough, this is a right mess isn't it. I understand your situation, so when I say my heart goes out to the poor kids, I am not having a go at you please know that. I just feel so very sorry for them, it will be difficult for them in foster care if their behaviour and lifestyle is what you say it is, then having new people, strangers to them suddenly coming into their lives and turning their happy go lucky world upside down isn't going to be easy on them, and it may be hard to place the three of them with the same family, so that worries me. I was a foster mum when I was younger and here in Australia, they would not give you three kids like that, believe me I had one or two over the time I was fostering that were difficult to say the least and one on their own is hard enough to be given three that need to be pretty much taught basic hygene etc., would be a big ask. Again, I see were you are coming from. If this does happen you may find yourselves visiting three kids in three different homes, so you are still going to be put under a lot of pressure on top of your jobs. I suppose their isn't a family member on either her or dad's side that could apply for custody is there.

Well whatever happens I hope the kids make it. Maybe foster care would give them a better chance in life, who knows, it would be nice to have a crysal ball and all the answers wouldn't it. Sorry I can't offer you and advice, hopefully someone else will be able to help you out.

I guess the only thing I would add is that as you cannot control BM, what she does, or how she treats the kids in her own home, then maybe you just accept that or you report her yourself, if you and DH are happy to accept a foster situation which may place them in 3 different homes, but I would hesitate to do that, it may do them more harm than good. The clothes issue, well that is completely under your control, yes by all means dress them neat and clean when they are in your home, but do not send the clothes back with them to BM. You can only control what you do and how you react, you will ever be able to change or control BM as you say she has all the power, so for your own sake, just let it go, worry about the kids when they are with you and just hope for the best when they are with her, but anything extra you buy should always stay at your place. I wish you and the kids all the best.

I would say to do what you think is the best interest of the children. If you are genuinely concerned, make a report. Does the school observe this? The kid's health care provider? Document everything you can, because made-up lies countered with actual evidence wins.
If you are paying what you are required to for support, that should be it. If the mother cannot provide food and clothing for those children, they need a new home, even if it can't be yours.