I'm loosing hope
Hello, I'm a 44 year old male with no kids of my own. I fell in love with my 31 year old wife. I knew she had a son now six. I always avoided women with kids because I wasn't sure I could handle raising someone else's child but I deviated from my rule. Well 4 years together and a year of marriage and I'm not sure I can do it. My steps sons dad is is nothing but trouble disappeared from his son's life for 18 months then comes back with reckless abandon and causes trouble constantly abuses my wife verbally via text message all the time constant back and forth with court it feels like it's going to be never-ending. He's the fun uncle with absolutely no boundaries and we're the family who has to set all the rules. I feel like the monster because I get upset and sometimes if I'm being honest I don't feel that connected to my stepson I feel like a ghoul for saying that but that's just the truth. I have feelings of resentment, hopelessness and a bunch of other things. My son being only six doesn't share many common interest as me so I don't really bond with him very well I'm not sure what to do and I guess I'm just rambling here but I have no one else to talk to. When I share my concerns and feelings with my wife she just stares at me blankly. I try to tell her how hard it is to feel the way I do I don't blame her I acknowledge the shame and guilt that comes along with these feelings and I get nothing. Maybe if I had kids of my own I would have some understanding of what it's like but I don't. Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated.
Your feelings are normal.
Your feelings are normal. When biodad decides to breeze in, does your wife cater to him? Is there a legal visitation agreement that is followed, with child support exchanged, or does she just let biodad come and go as he pleases? Does your wife appreciate your efforts or does she feel like it's just your job to raise and provide for her son? Does she back you up as far as being an authority figure in the home or does she undermine your efforts by saying things like "He's just a kid!" All of these things will help determine if this situation can be tolerable.
Check out how long the BD has
Check out how long the BD has to be absent with no contact with his son for it to be considered abandonment. Also show his text messages to the local police AND a lawyer to see if they are grounds for a restraining order.
One thing I have learned
One thing I have learned about steplife that might help you moving forward is that "correction without connection will breed resentment.
Of course as a joint head of household, you have a right to have boundaries and rules of behavior in your home. But.. your wife's child should be primarily HER responsiblility to parent. If she if failing to set boundaries and control her child.. then it is a failure of her parenting.. Now.. the kid IS six years old.. he is not a robot.. kids can be loud.. messy.. unruly and they can experience stress and trauma from situations like when his dad waltzes in and out of his life (is it drugs? jail? or just no interest?).
But.. with consistent parenting.. her son can still understand the house rules and understand that they may differ from dad's.. and at 6 he doesn't get a choice in which parent he stays with.
And.. I get that you seem to resent that his dad gets to be the "fun" one.. but that is really fairly typical when you get a parent that only has minimal visitation.. they tend to do fun stuff.. while your home being the full time.. does fun stuff.. but not every moment of the day.
As far as you not really having anything in common with him.. not having a connection.. well.. it's a reality that most 6 year olds and adults aren't going to have common hobbies.. unless the adult leads the kid to them.. if you WANT to have more of a connection with the child.. it's going to be up to you to make that happen..And.. if you don't have interests that a 6 yo would be interested in? you may have to go to him on this.. if you WANT to.. but you are under no obligation to.. but yeah.. if you plan on being in his mom's life for the next decade plus.. having a good relatinship with her son would be nice I guess?
But.. what you can't do is step back on attempts at bonding (you go to him.. he's six).. but expect to be a disciplinarian to him in the home. He should respect you.. but his mother needs to parent him.. You can step in if he is doing something dangerous and mom isn't there.. but generally let HER take that lead.. if she is letting things slide? that's an issue to take up with her.
Idk. It's one thing to
Idk. It's one thing to disengage every other weekend, but if the kid is in your home 24/7/365, i think neither parent would want that. Imagine being the bioparent and you have a 6-year-old, full custody, and your spouse is disengaged. My sister's husband is a child-free stepfather with full custody, and my sister is constantly needing help. This guy can't win. If he doesn't jump in and help like a dad, everyone starts calling him selfish. Saying things like "the kids need x/y/z and he just sits there or (worse) engages in his fun hobbies.
These single moms with young kids want their husbands to "step up." I had to have a serious talk with my sister and my dad, that if they want my BIL being responsible for childcare, transport, homework help, coaching sports teams, etc., they need to back him up as if he were a parent.
From the child's view....
The details are a little different (Mom was a WW2 widow), but I was the 6yo with the stepfather, V, who didn't really bond with me. ESMOD is 1000% correct about the "correction with no connection". I resented any attempt of V to correct me. So, thats your wife's job. Its fair for you and she to discuss proper behavior standards but its up to her to enforce them.
My stepdad, V, was a good man and loved Mom deeply. But he had no experience with kids. He tried sometimes, it took ages for him to teach me to ride a bike and tie my shoelaces. I could feel his frustration (I'm still unathletic and clumsy). I dont ever remember him taking me anywhere, just us, even errands. One particular issue was my glasses. As I matured, I wanted to look pretty (no glasses) while he felt that it was mandatory that I wear them.
Things went downhill when I started to date as a teenager. But that's a story for another time.
If I were you, I'd stay close to your wife, agree on behavior standards, be that stable man in the house. Now that I'm a stepparent, I often think about V and appreciate the stability he provided. He's the model I used to find my second husband, DH, and we will be married 50 years next year.
Good luck.
Lol. SS and I had your's and V's experiences teaching SS to ride
his bike and to tie his shoes.
We finally worked it out, but it was painful and took forever.
My DW was about to go with velcro fastened shoes. The shoe tying water shed event was when he was in Kindergarted and got in trouble for getting frustrated and kickign his untied shoe across the lunch room.
He had a friend, a little girl, who would tie his shoes. The teachers, rightly, refused to tie the kids' shoes. The little girl finally told him no, that he was going to have to do it himself.
He had been battling me on learning to tie his shoes for months.
I finally had him sit on the sofa next to me, take off his shoes, and give me one. We then sat on the sofa each with a shoe between our legs and tied a shoe side by side for about an hour. I told him that we were going to be praticing for as long as it took for him to get it. No food, no water, no bathroom breaks, no sleep.
An hour later... he was a pro. I think the sitting with the shoe between his legs with the laces facing away from him, as it is when you tie a shoe on your foot, helped take the pressure off of him. That, and he knew that we would both be there until he figured it out, no matter how long that took.
A similar method worked for teaching him to ride his bike. As we worked through that process, he would always look back at me as I ran behind him holding the back of his bicycle seat. HE could not balance or control the bike looking back at me. I finally told him everytime he looked back at me, I would let go. Everytime I let go, he would crash. Even my dad who is tthe teach a kid to ride a bike whisperer threw up his hands in frustration at trying to get SS to ride his bike.
Finally, I loaded his bike in the back of my truck, tossed the his in beside me and headed to a local county park, My mom, dad, and DW headed to the park as well in my parent's vehicle. I had SS push his bike to the top of a long grassy hill, had him try to ride the bike down the hill. He crashed, but not as quickly as he would crash when he would turn to look at me when we were working on bike riding in the past. I told him that his mom, GPs, and I were going to walk around the lake abd when we got back around to the hill he either would be riding his bike or he was pushing it home. 5Miles. Mom, dad, DW and I headed off on our walk.
Before anyone loses their minds, the hill is in view for the entire walk.
10mins later he came flying past us like he had been riding his bike for years.
The hill helped him maitain speed enough to balance, that I was not behind him at all forced him to not look backwards. Poof. Success.
A clear lesson was learned a few years later when he was about 7yo. He and a friend were riding bikes together. They got into a race, SS was more worried about staying ahead of his friend than riding his bike. They both left the friends house forgetting the helmets. SS was looking back at his friend instead of looking where he was going. He rode off of the side of the curb, crashed his bike, ate the curb and broke off both of his partially grown in permanent front teeth at the gum line. He never again forgot to stay looking forward instead of behind himself while riding his bike.
His teeth did grow to full size. Though one ended up abcessing and requiring a root canal about 5yrs after he ate the curb. That tooth ended falling out completely when he was in his early 20 and required an implanted replacement.
I remember learning to ride my bike at 5yo myself. I crashed a number of times because I was looking back instead of forward. Dad finally told me I was not coming inside until I figured it out. Just as my own son did, I figured it out quick when dad left me to it with no option but to figure it out.
for clarity
I'm so far from perfect here. My wife is an amazing mom and she does a great job with her son. She’s good at discipline, though I think she could set stricter boundaries. I feel like I'm the problem. I can't seem to get out of my own way. I let my resentments build. I'm sure I came into this with rose colored glasses and on some level wish I had a son of my own, but that ship has sailed. Now I have a bio dad who loves to make things hard, doesnt pay child support, causes my wife pain and worst of all, I make it worse because I let it get to me and become cold towards her. I feel helpless watching it all unfold. Sometimes this bleeds over into not wanting to get engaged with my step son all the time, again I know this is a me problem and I fully admit that it's hard. I feel like a monster most days. I do try sometimes but his mom is the type not to push him to try things, if he says this is too hard we give up and because he is at his “dad’s” every other weekend (6 hours in the car for the poor kid round trip) we can’t even involve him in sports. We do fight sometimes, usually when I give my opinion on something about his behavior or something, it usually doesn’t end well and again I’m sure I don’t give the information in the best way possible. I tend to speak my mind and I need to work on that. I feel so lost. I think there's a different bond that exists between a biological child and a step child. I have known my step son since he was 3 and moved in together since he was about 4 ½ and I feel he respects me so no issue there. I just sometimes feel disconnected from him. Sorry I’m droning on. I’m just scared of my feelings and the hurt I cause.
Have you considered therapy?
Have you considered therapy? It might help you separate your feelings of frustration over the boy's father from the boy himself. It also might help you get over your stumbling block of reconciling the fact that he is not your "real" son with the idea that biology doesn't necesarily dictate that you can't be a positive influence on his life.. that you can't grow to have mutual respect and have a relationship.
I get he is just coming out of basically toddler stage.. a time where I don't blame you for struggling to connect.. I don't really care much for little kids myself.. haha. But.. do you find that he has any good qualities? Do you have any interests you might enjoy sharing with him?
Sometimes.. we have to "fake it till we make it".. try to focus on the positive of him and what he can do at this point in his life.. but also allow his mom to do the majority of parenting.. but you can still show interest in him.. in his life.. and things he enjoys.
It's not entirely natural to want to care for another person's bio child.. but that doesn't mean it's impossible to learn how to be in each other's lives. Again.... I would highly advise therapy..to help you handle your frustrations. before they boil over.
Greetings!
Welcome to Steptalk.
So, you are not new to this, but still I would recomend reading around on here and on the general blog page. Im over 8 years in this and have made a great many many mistakes. Ive joined groups and vent, and respond when others vent. Sometimes it feels like an echo chamber, but in general theres some REALLY great advice.
Firstly, I dont see that there are any realy dea-breakers here. Are you being treated with respect? Do you feel like you are just a helpful ATM? Is the child super unruly and psycho? Is your wife cold and manipulative?
She probably doesnt know which end is up. It would be worthwhile, after reading around, to sit her down and just talk things out. Unless you are at the end of your rope completely. I understand that its really tough to create a capsule of what you are going through in just one post.
1. Disney Dad in and out - you are the consistent one in this 6 year olds life. But you lack connection. And something that is common is that no matter how deadbeat the bio parent is, they are still up there on that bio parent pedestal. Thats hard, for sure, but still not a deal breaker. Consistently enforcing rules and boundaries is important when there is a big disparity between households. Let him be the fun one, stay consistent and later down the road you will be the rock (hopefully appreciated, but dont expect any gold stars for this)
2. Connecting. You can give it a try, but 6 is too young for a great many things. I tried getting a movie night going, and have suffered through movies such as the Trolls fanchise. Moana more times that I can recall...
3. Holiday traditions. Tradition traditions. I took SD17 to parks just her and I, and simply played. Swings, slides, the maze, hide and seek. Play together and you might find discovering your inner child more fun that you expected.
4. Dont feel shame at not feeling connected - thats society programming at play. You arent his bio, you dont have the blind love of a bio father that is connected through DNA. You arent a horrible person. And some kids just arent likable. You didnt give details but Ive heard it before - 6 year old little boys who are criers and whiney and bratty...whos emotional growth has been stunted.
5. BOUNDARIES are super important. If your wife caters and cow-tows, thats super frustrating. MY husband jumped through all kinds of hoops "to keep things nice".
6. Dont lose yourself in this. There is no shame in doing for YOU.
I am horrified at the 6 hour
I am horrified at the 6 hour round trip every other weekend for a kid who is six ... heck even for a kid who is sixteen. Who came up with this torture? There are other ways of setting up visitation when there's a distance involved. This sounds like adults wanting to be "fair" when it's purely selfish on their part. Can you get your SO to see reason?
Courts decide these things.
Courts decide these things. We don't have much of a says, judge seems to think its ok for a 6 year old to sit in a car for 6 hours every other weekend. Not be able to attend bithday parties, mis out on sports and all these fun things that 6 year olds do. Also why I get very upset.
The 6-hour round trip does
The 6-hour round trip does seem like a lot. Ideally there would be a long-distance visitation situation here. If your wife is doing her part, and the kid's behavior is decent, maybe you just need to forgive yourself for your feelings. You aren't his biological dad so no wonder you don't feel like a biological dad. Maybe try consciously praising SS when he does something good. That will help you to acknowledge the positive and will also help him feel more bonded to you. Something as simple as putting his plate in the sink or remembering to brush his teeth. "Good job." "Thanks for (blank.)" It's a start. I've done it and it does help.
I assume BF
Is doing the driving for the pick up and return of SS on weekend visitation. Not you.. at least you get a child free weekend twice a month. Hope you report BF for non CS payments. Hope you are trying to make the authorities do a work pay order to make his employer paid the CS out of BF pay check.
a lot of SP don't connect to SK. You can never connect like a bio parent can.
haha as if he works!! He
haha as if he works!! He shacks up with some women who lets him live rent free, buys his smokes and beer and all of the toys my step son wants (they spoil him to gain his "love"), He doesn't drive so she also does the driving when we meet half way. This guy is a complete dirtbag. Can't take wages when they don't work and find someone to leach off of and thats what he's always done.
Im the same boat.
Im the same boat.
deviated from my rule of no dependent kids and REGRET tf out of that decision.
I don't have a lot in common with his kids either. And honestly don't care for them unless they're respectful which is not often due to guilt riddled Disneyland dad overriding me in this house to pacify his kids and conniving manipulative ex wife.
Don't feel that way. There is the solution.
My DW and I have the same age difference as you and your DW have.
My SS-31 was 15mos old when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
We tolerated zero bullshit from the Spermidiot and the SpermClan. They overstepped at their own peril. When they did, we slapped them with a court action. They learned not to do the same to us after the first time because they got their asses handed to them.
Your DW needs to play the BM and CP cards to full effect. Make sure SpermDaddy is on the hook for a shit ton of CS .Due to his abandonment, DW needs to motion to end his parental access. She needs to stop jumping through his hoops and shut his shit down.
As for bonding with your SS. Take action. To connect, YOU need to initiate the actvities. Go for hikes. Find interesting things to do away from the house for the two of you or the three of you. No need to have children of your own. But sitting around just looking at each other is the recipe for failure in this.
My SS was a video and fantasy card game freak when he was young. I have zero interest in gaming. I did play some games with him a few times over the years. He has no memory of any gaming session he has ever had other than when he and I were gaming. His fondest and most frequently revisited memories, are when we did things together or as a family. Camping trips, fossil hunts, rock scrambling, etc.......
No need to do stuff constantly, but doing is what bonds.
So, take action.
It is not about sharing interests at all. It is about sharing time together with activities.
Install shutters/window blinds, install ceiling fans, repair a fence, replace a sprinkler head, put a new set of wiper blades on his mom's car., sit down together and read a book. Make it something that grabs him. It does not have to be some major heavily planned production.
For sure do not give him or his mom the impression that he has a choice. Just make it happen.
Seems to me…
Seems to me this is a difficult situation for you, your wife, and your stepson. The best way to bond with a 6yr old is to get down to their level and play (legos, remote control cars, T ball in the backyard etc). Just be a kid again for 30 min a few times a week. I don't think bonding is the real issue here though. Bio dad is causing stress on the family. Bio Mom has no control over him coming back and doing what he is doing. Have you considered her point of view? Having kids with an ex like that can be devistating when the court ties your hands. She might need support and you need hers. Watching this process unfold must be extremely difficult knowing your hands are tied. It can feel like another man is having a say in your household. Unfortunately this is the life of most stepparents in some way shape or form. I think there may be some underlying issues within all of this that's preventing you from being emotionally available to bond with your stepson, and at times, your wife.
Lalalo is right, it's stressful
My ex was a deadbeat dad. If he worked, it was cash jobs to evade CS. Though I didn't bar him from seeing my 2 bios, he was inconsistent, went months with no contact. One awful day, my son waited all day for him to show up for a fishing trip that never happened.
Aside from the effect on the kids, this situation was super stressful to DH and my marriage. DH rightfully resented supporting my 2 while he had to pay CS for his 3. To give him credit, he only grumbled sometimes. I tried to work with Child Support Enforcement with no luck. I guarantee your wife worries about this all the time.
I wish I had a good answer for you. It's not easy or fun being the day-in-day-out parent figure with a deadbeat dad in the picture. Hang in there, Scootdoodler.
It is stressful. Even when the SpermDad has nearly zero
presence.
In our case, his very existance was the problem. Though he was fundamentally a non entity in our lives. Unfortunately, even that has been a life long detriment to my kid.
As for transport for visitation, Our CO, after a clarification by the Judge, was clear. Each party was responsible for transporting the kid to their location. On a number of occassions over the 16+ years of our CO, the SpermClan declined visitation for a year or more. Eventually, we would offer to pay their half of visitation airfare. Not because we gave a shit about them, but because we felt that was what was best for SS.
We did our best to provide a stable, loving, and supportive family for SS. For the SpermClan, he was little more than a tool to try to control my DW. She, chewed them up and spit them out. Sadly the CO years were spent countering their crap and continually arming out son with the confidence and knowledge to keep them in their place.
Though having to do those things to protect our son and our family from the effluent of their very existance has had life long impact on our son, and in some ways has had life long impact on us and out marriage. The existance of a shallow and polluted gene pool on the opposition side of the blended family equation, even when the quality side ultimately prevails and keeps the shit puddle contained, is like surviving a bad case of Small Pox. It is cured, but there are scars that never completely go away.
Though I am a destroy the toxic perspective StepDad, I am also all in on making the best life I can for my bride and.... our son. Though keeping the opposition in their place is not without scars. Even when the quality side wins, delivers on raising a great Skidult, and when the ulitmate revenge of living well is achieved.
I did not ever regret supporting my SS. I raised him as my own. Though any benefit that the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool (the SpermClan) derived from that support I provided pissed me off to no end.
It still does. 13years & 7wks after he aged out from under the CO and they pretty much stopped any interface with him other than to whine and cry that he won't send them money or go visit them. When not once in his entire life has a single member of the SpermClan made an effort to visit him.
LIve well, counter the toxic, and ...... know that in all things you and your family are superior to .... them.
Though even with those facts, there are still scars.
IMHO and experience.
I would NOT
Be driving my child who parent is not giving CS. I would not be paying for gas wear and tear on the car.
ACTUALLY that's what happen with me. My DW EX wasn't paying CS. I told my DW if he wants to see his kids he will have to do the picks up and drop offs. I am already supporting his kids I refuse to pay for his visitation. If my DW does not like that I would leave. I felt that is totally disrespectful. And I will not be disrespect By the EX or her