Your feelings are normal. When biodad decides to breeze in, does your wife cater to him? Is there a legal visitation agreement that is followed, with child support exchanged, or does she just let biodad come and go as he pleases? Does your wife appreciate your efforts or does she feel like it's just your job to raise and provide for her son? Does she back you up as far as being an authority figure in the home or does she undermine your efforts by saying things like "He's just a kid!" All of these things will help determine if this situation can be tolerable. 

Check out how long the BD has to be absent with no contact with his son for it to be considered abandonment. Also show his text messages to the local police AND a lawyer to see if they are grounds for a restraining order.

One thing I have learned about steplife that might help  you moving forward is that "correction without connection will breed resentment.  

Of course as a joint head of household, you have a right to have boundaries and rules of behavior in your home.  But.. your wife's child should be primarily HER responsiblility to parent.  If she if failing to set boundaries and control her child.. then it is a failure of her parenting.. Now.. the kid IS six years old.. he is not a robot.. kids can be loud.. messy.. unruly and they can experience stress and trauma from situations like when his dad waltzes in and out of his life (is it drugs? jail? or just no interest?).

But.. with consistent parenting.. her son can still understand the house rules and understand that they may differ from dad's.. and at 6 he doesn't get a choice in which parent he stays with.

And.. I get that you seem to resent that his dad gets to be the "fun" one.. but that is really fairly typical when you get a parent that only has minimal visitation.. they tend to do fun stuff.. while your home being the full time.. does fun stuff.. but not every moment of the day.

As far as you not really having anything in common with him.. not having a connection.. well.. it's a reality that most 6 year olds and adults aren't going to have common hobbies.. unless the adult leads the kid to them.. if you WANT to have more of a connection with the child.. it's going to be up to you to make that happen..And.. if you don't have interests that a 6 yo would be interested in? you may have to go to him on this.. if you WANT to.. but you are under no obligation to.. but yeah.. if you plan on being in his mom's life for the next decade plus.. having a good relatinship with her son would be nice I guess?

But.. what you can't do is step back on attempts at bonding (you go to him.. he's six).. but expect to be a disciplinarian to him in the home.  He should respect you.. but his mother needs to parent him..  You can step in if he is doing something dangerous and mom isn't there.. but generally  let HER take that lead.. if she is letting things slide?  that's an issue to take up with her.

The details are a little different (Mom was a WW2 widow), but I was the 6yo with the stepfather, V, who didn't really bond with me.  ESMOD is 1000% correct about the "correction with no connection".  I resented any attempt of  V to correct me.   So, thats your wife's job.  Its fair for you and she to discuss proper behavior standards but its up to her to enforce them.

My stepdad, V, was a good man and loved Mom deeply. But he had no experience with kids.  He tried sometimes, it took ages for him to teach me to ride a bike and tie my shoelaces.  I could feel his frustration (I'm still unathletic and clumsy).  I dont ever remember him taking me anywhere, just us, even errands.  One particular issue was my glasses.  As I matured, I wanted to look pretty (no glasses) while he felt that it was mandatory that I wear them.

Things went downhill when I started to date as a teenager.  But that's a story for another time.

If I were you, I'd stay close to your wife, agree on behavior standards, be that stable man in the house.  Now that I'm a stepparent, I often think about V and appreciate the stability he provided.  He's the model I used to find my second husband, DH, and we will be married 50 years next year.  

Good luck.

Welcome to Steptalk.

So, you are not new to this, but still I would recomend reading around on here and on the general blog page. Im over 8 years in this and have made a great many many mistakes. Ive joined groups and vent, and respond when others vent. Sometimes it feels like an echo chamber, but in general theres some REALLY great advice.

Firstly, I dont see that there are any realy dea-breakers here. Are you being treated with respect? Do you feel like you are just a helpful ATM? Is the child super unruly and psycho? Is your wife cold and manipulative?

She probably doesnt know which end is up. It would be worthwhile, after reading around, to sit her down and just talk things out. Unless you are at the end of your rope completely. I understand that its really tough to create a capsule of what you are going through in just one post.

1. Disney Dad in and out - you are the consistent one in this 6 year olds life. But you lack connection. And something that is common is that no matter how deadbeat the bio parent is, they are still up there on that bio parent pedestal. Thats hard, for sure, but still not a deal breaker. Consistently enforcing rules and boundaries is important when there is a big disparity between households. Let him be the fun one, stay consistent and later down the road you will be the rock (hopefully appreciated, but dont expect any gold stars for this)

2. Connecting. You can give it a try, but 6 is too young for a great many things. I tried getting a movie night going, and have suffered through movies such as the Trolls fanchise. Moana more times that I can recall...

3. Holiday traditions. Tradition traditions. I took SD17 to parks just her and I, and simply played. Swings, slides, the maze, hide and seek. Play together and you might find discovering your inner child more fun that you expected.

4. Dont feel shame at not feeling connected - thats society programming at play. You arent his bio, you dont have the blind love of a bio father that is connected through DNA. You arent a horrible person. And some kids just arent likable. You didnt give details but Ive heard it before - 6 year old little boys who are criers and whiney and bratty...whos emotional growth has been stunted.

5. BOUNDARIES are super important. If your wife caters and cow-tows, thats super frustrating. MY husband jumped through all kinds of hoops "to keep things nice".

6. Dont lose yourself in this. There is no shame in doing for YOU.

I am horrified at the 6 hour round trip every other weekend for a kid who is six ... heck even for a kid who is sixteen. Who came up with this torture? There are other ways of setting up visitation when there's a distance involved. This sounds like adults wanting to be "fair" when it's purely selfish on their part. Can you get your SO to see reason?

The 6-hour round trip does seem like a lot. Ideally there would be a long-distance visitation situation here. If your wife is doing her part, and the kid's behavior is decent, maybe you just need to forgive yourself for your feelings. You aren't his biological dad so no wonder you don't feel like a biological dad. Maybe try consciously praising SS when he does something good. That will help you to acknowledge the positive and will also help him feel more bonded to you. Something as simple as putting his plate in the sink or remembering to brush his teeth. "Good job." "Thanks for (blank.)" It's a start. I've done it and it does help. 

Is doing the driving for the pick up and return of SS on weekend visitation.  Not you..   at least you get a child free weekend twice a month.  Hope you report BF for non CS payments.  Hope you are trying to make the authorities do a work pay order to make his employer paid the CS out of BF pay check.  
a lot of SP don't connect to SK. You can never connect like a bio parent can. 

Im the same boat. 
 

deviated from my rule of no dependent kids and REGRET tf out of that decision. 
 

I don't have a lot in common with his kids either. And honestly don't care for them unless they're respectful which is not often due to guilt riddled Disneyland dad overriding me in this house to pacify his kids and conniving manipulative ex wife. 

Seems to me this is a difficult situation for you, your wife, and your stepson. The best way to bond with a 6yr old is to get down to their level and play (legos, remote control cars, T ball in the backyard etc). Just be a kid again for 30 min a few times a week. I don't think bonding is the real issue here though. Bio dad is causing stress on the family. Bio Mom has no control over him coming back and doing what he is doing. Have you considered her point of view? Having kids with an ex like that can be devistating when the court ties your hands. She might need support and you need hers. Watching this process unfold must be extremely difficult knowing your hands are tied. It can feel like another man is having a say in your household. Unfortunately this is the life of most stepparents in some way shape or form. I think there may be some underlying issues within all of this that's preventing you from being emotionally available to bond with your stepson, and at times, your wife. 

Be driving my child who parent is not giving CS.  I would not be paying for gas wear and tear on the car.

ACTUALLY that's what happen with me.  My DW EX  wasn't paying CS. I told my DW if he wants to see his kids he will have to do the picks up and drop offs.  I am already supporting his kids I refuse to pay for his visitation.  If my DW does not like that I would leave.  I felt that is totally disrespectful.  And I will not be disrespect   By the EX or her