i think this is creepy
Ok, are I and DH the only ones who find this kinda creepy.... BM's man proposed to her (yay!! Maybe she will chill a little once she marries this guy) but... When he proposed to BM he also got on one knee and proposed to SD14 and asked her to be "his daughter" wtf?! SD accepted. Not only did he propose to SD and put a ring on her finger it was a ring that DH gave to BM some 10 years ago for a wedding anniversary. Now that this has happened DH told BM that it was totally inappropriate to ask SD to be BM's mans daughter. Now, SD is telling DH "did u expect me to accept SM freely?" ( I guess I need to buy her love and acceptance) So does that mean that SD expects me to go buy her something "special" and shower her with gifts to accept me as her SM?! Ummmmm I DON'T THINK SO!! I told DH that I WILL NOT go buy her a ring or anything along that line to get her to accept me!! Opinions ladies... Am I the only one who thinks this was a little odd????
UMMMM...HELL
UMMMM...HELL YES.....veryyyyyyy odd!!! WTH?
****I can do bad all by myself****
I think he had the best
I think he had the best intentions...if you read wedding websites, you hear alot about this garbage...
But now SD is acting like a
But now SD is acting like a little crap cause I'm not gonna be "freely accepted" and I know those are BM's words coming out of SD's mouth. I'm sorry but one- I'm not gonna ask her to be MY daughter cause she has a mom two- I think its wrong that BM allowed this and constantly is buying SD's love and being "cool mom" so SD won't wanna be here. BM would go through the roof if I had done something like this... BM doesn't even allow SD to call me step mom but allowed her man to propose and be SD's dad. I don't know I just find it weird, and wrong on BM's part. I am totally convinced she is trying to get SD to hate it here so she can have her all the time since her cs just went down from $425 to $150 since DH and BM share visitation 50/50.
~There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full
Very nice of you...but do
Very nice of you...but do you let your happiness rely on a child's perspective?? That's ridiculous!! I have a step father..like him or not...my mother loves him and that makes HER happy...that's all that really matters to me! And that's all that mattered to me when I was 14 and they got married. Why should my mother have to have MY permission to be happy?
****I can do bad all by myself****
We will just have to agree
We will just have to agree to disagree then....my step brother HATED my mother but my stepdad married her anyway. My stepbrother was and still is a jerk....why should his dad sacrifice happiness for him???
****I can do bad all by myself****
I just feel like now I am
I just feel like now I am being put in a position where I am expected to do something more in order to have SD's approval if you can say to be married to her dad. In no way do I feel that I should have to have permission to be with her father, we make each other very happy and now she is acting like I am no longer accepted because of what BM pulled that woman lives with double standards. Let me tell you, BM went to some extreme measures to try and split me and DH up when she discovered we were engaged because she didn't want any other woman around her daughter, she has made my life extremely difficult. What is done has been done but I have a feeling now for the next 4 yrs till she is 18 things are going to be hard with SD cause we didn't ask for her blessings to be married. Maybe this will pass, but I would NEVER expect nor allow my DH to ask my girls to have him as their father, they know that he is the "father figure" in our home but they have their dads whether there for them or not. I'm rambling now..... Thank you all for your input.
~There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full~
Ok, so what would you have
Ok, so what would you have done if skids said no? Would you have left the relationship? I refer to my fiancé as DH but we will be married this Dec. If I was to ask the brat if I could marry her dad and she said no I wouldn't walk away from the man I love with everything in me, then we would probably piss her off even more continuing what she told us she didn't want. SD and I got along great until BM started being the lax mom, cool mom, bff to SD. Its all a game and SD is the pawn. If DH would have asked my oldest 10yrs at the time permission to marry me it would have been a NO WAY! She has since then become very close to him but still states that no man is good enough for her mommy. I can't imagine ending an adult relationship because the kids don't want mommy or daddy to marry someone.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full
I'm going to assume that
I'm going to assume that your fiance did the proposing not you. I think in that case HE would have been the one to include his daughter in on it before popping the question. So what SBS did wouldn't necessarily be applied to you because you weren't the one doing the proposing.
As far as if her answer would have been no...hmmmm he/you would be stuck then...lol But, if anything else I think your SD just wants to be included vs excluding from the new family coming her way.
Fiance needs to settle this with SD. It needs to be clarified that you are not to blame and yes you guys did things differently but it doesn't mean she's being pushed aside---I imagine this is more the case. Then include her some of the wedding plans. If not, and she doesn't want you as her stepmother than, sorry to say, get ready for rough ride.
Well yes it is my
Well yes it is my business... For one to see the hurt in DH that SD accepted another man as her "father" not good, the fact that SD states that she shouldn't "freely accept me" not good cause now she thinks I owe it to her to ask her permission to be with her father. The fact that BM would have gone off like a maniac if I had proposed to be mom to her daughter is a bitch that lives by double standards. Anything I have given SD has been thrown away by BM while SD is over there, so where does she get off thinking she can have her FH not only give SD an "engagement ring" but allow her FH to propose to be her "dad" and do so with a ring that was BM's from DH many years ago. I do believe that SD is expecting me to "repeat" the gesture on my side because she has acted like a little shit with her dad and I since this proposal took place and she made the comment of not accepting me freely.... I think that may be enough of a hint that the spoiled brat wants, wants, wants. Aside from this incident, its all about SD and what she wants and her mom loves to make her feel like what we do here is wrong, always wrong since BM is "so cool" either way u look at it I think what the did was wrong, I have 2 daughters 5 and 12, and it is NOT my mans place to try and be my kids dad or propose to do so.
~There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full~
BM is evil and I'm sure that
BM is evil and I'm sure that she chuckled when they planned the whole thing. I'm glad they are including SD but it was done in a way to hurt DH and me, the words that were coming out of SD's mouth were not her words, they were clearly coached by her pos mother to make us feel like we have gone about our relationship all wrong. There is a long, LONG list of things that pos BM has done to fu** with us over the past 2 years. I intended on including some kind of vows to the children during the wedding and in our home they are included in most everything with the exception of adult matters, I don't want anyone
reading these to think that we exclude the children, we do value their opinions but the adults make the decisions around here.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full
Since my son (SS) was only
Since my son (SS) was only 15mos old when I started dating his mother, was drooling, pooping his diapers and running around with a binky and a bottle I did not ask his permission to marry his mom or to be his dad. I was the first person he called "Daddy" so by the time I proposed to his mom being his dad was a foregone conclusion.
Yes, biodad is in the picture but I am the only man who has actually been his dad/father. SpermDad is just his video game buddy.
To answer the question ........ yes, I think it is inappropriate. I get what he was trying to do but his execution was lacking in logic and maturity. Including the kids in the proposal phase by ostensibly asking them for their mother's hand is a good thing but proposing to a future Skid asking to be their father is stepping on way to many toes and existing relationships. It can also do harm to the child and set up possible long term inter extended family tensions.
I would for sure let SD know that the ring her future step dad gave her was actually purchased my her father. That should let some of the wind out of future step dad's sails. "Oh, I see you mom passed on that old ring I gave her when we were married". Then let it soak for a while.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
I think it was a nice
I think it was a nice gesture to include her in the family that they are blending together. I think the SD's reaction and what she said was inappropriate. She's a 14-year-old idiot - that's the only excuse I have for her now - her age. We all did and said really, really stupid things when we were that age. I'm not excusing it, I'm just saying. Maybe your DH should question her what she meant by that statement, instead of automatically assuming she meant the worst thing. (Hon, I'm saying this as an outsider to the situation, I probably would have thought the same thing that you did had that situation happened to me).
When Truelight and I got married, we each said vows to each other's kids that we are there for them and that they are now sons and daughters to us. I don't really see anything different in what this soon to be stepdad did. It might have seemed a little different and unsual, but I think it was done with good intentions.
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Having learned a lot about
Having learned a lot about step-parenting on this site, I think it's a great thing that the steps talk with the kids...but ultimately, it is an adult relationship, marriage. I'm not marrying the kids. I accept that they come as part of the deal, but they're not the "ONE" to whom I make my vows.
I think it's also up to the bio-parent to make that clear to the kids. My mom made it clear to her 5, and my dad to his 2, that the both of them were getting married. I guess it's back to the magic word again..."boundaries", and knowing them (or them being made clear to me) in my role as a parent/adult and/or child.
I totally agree that you
I totally agree that you marry a family not an individual when there are children from a previous relationship, BUT it is not the child's call if marriage happens, as long as the step parents treat the kids well I don't think it should ever be put out there as needing their "permission" to marry their mother or father. I think the biggest issue for me when I first posted this topic was the fact that BM's future H asked SD to be HIS daughter wrong, wrong, wrong and also the fact that SD believes I need her "permission" now also. I will not ask a child's permission to marry her father, I love him very much and would not walk away. Let me remind you all that SD and I do get along she is difficult at times yes, but now it seems to have changed cause I didn't ask for her blessings to be with her father. Our family has been living together in the same home for over a year now as a family, all accepting each other and working together to adjust to each others different ways and now after this stunt BM and her future H have pulled it is different.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full
Ty storiesbysteve, it is
Ty storiesbysteve, it is creepy, my future H did not ask nor even imply to my girls that he will be their dad, as a matter of fact my 5 year old asked him to be her daddy and he told her "I will be our step dad but you have a daddy" and my 12 year old asked if my future H could adopt her cause her bio dad has not been around for 5 years and that was also a "no, I'm sorry but your dad is your father but I will be there for you as your father figure for whatever you need" we did take our time easing the kids into the idea of living together as a family, ultimately the decision was the adults decision but we did make sure the kids were doing ok before we moved in together.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full
I'm sorry, I keep thinking
I'm sorry, I keep thinking of more to write after I hit post haha, I think the reason I am struggling so much with all of this is because I have been a step mom before for 6 years, SS never gave me a hard time about anything, granted I came along when he was only 4 and current SD was 11 but it is much harder this time around and BM hasn't helped matters at all, in the beginning BM told SD to be mean to me and don't do anything I ask her to, SD told me this and that she was not going to be mean to me cause she likes me, but BM has been pounding this crap into her head for 2 years now and I think she is starting to go along with BM's ideas.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full
very creepy! the same ring
very creepy! the same ring dh gave bm ---- f'd up!
having an open discussion about the new family dynamics, maybe??
on one knee and proposing to sd, beyond the scales of fucked up.
i see a lifetime movie in the making.... no wait, it was woody allen who ended up marrying his adopted daughter....
DH and I just bought our
DH and I just bought our wedding rings and there are three rings and one gold bracelet - two of the rings are for me, two are wedding bands with our engravings on the inside and the other is just as small and "simple", and has ss5's name engraved on the inside. the gold bracelet is for ss - i am not buying his love, we already love eachother, and have for many years, but rather it is so that he will have something special on the special day, just like "iwishyouwould" and Daddy... sort of along the lines of giving an older sibling a special toy when a new baby is born (although it may not have been necessary - ss5 is very excited to be the "ring bear" and wants to know if he can wear his winnie the pooh costume to be "the bear" at the wedding LOL!! ).
I do agree that he probably had good intentions, although they might have been expressed in a slightly more age-appropriate manner. The "recycling" of that particular ring has meaning that should not have been put into use (he is the new dh?).. but perhaps he didnt think that deep and just thought that it is a special ring.. who knows.
"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."