i love my life, i hate my life
this may get a little long because i tend to ramble, so thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this or give me any advice!
anyway, i've been dating my boyfriend for a year now, and he's been going through a divorce pretty much the whole time (i was not the reason for the divorce, she left him for another man). neither him nor his ex are very motivated, so it's been a very slow process. they have a daughter who is four years old. my boyfriend doesn't get to see her very often, he gets her maybe one weekend a month if he's lucky. the BM always seems to have an excuse why he can't have her unless she needs a free, spur of the moment babysitter.
our life together is usually pretty great, but during the one rare weekend of the month when we have the sd, my life is pure hell. it starts with making the arrangements of when she's getting picked up, where, who is meeting who, etc. his mother and grandmother are frequently involved in these arrangements so it always consists of multiple phone calls to and from several people in the days before the visit. it gets pretty complicated and everyone has to know what is going on and when, and the visits are always spontaneous (because they only happen when it's convenient for the BM)and never preplanned, so the whole thing gets made into a huge, long production. the BM lives pretty far away and never wants to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle unless it benefits her, so it always falls to him or his family members to make the trip.
during the visits it's always mommy this, mommy that. "when is my daddy going to live in our house with my mommy again?" and "why are you my daddy's girlfriend? you shouldn't be." mommy is all i hear about the entire time. i know she is a young child and it will take her time to get assimilated to the new situation, and i usually don't answer any of the questions or do anything to upset her, but it has been a year already and i know for a fact that all of this is coming from the BM.
for example, the BM is a complete hypochondriac, attention-seeking, child, and she makes the sd the same way. the sd is ALWAYS on multiple medications. allergy medicine, cough syrup, elixirs, nasal spray, hydrocortisone...EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE. the woman literally counts the pills and measures the elixirs and syrups before she sends her to us to be sure we gave it to her, and gives my bf total crap if he doesn't. she makes this child think she is sick all the time when she very clearly isn't. this is just one of the many examples of the way she "brainwashes" the kid, and more often than not, this "brainwashing" is against me.
the thing that bugs me and hurts me the most is that while all this is going on, my bf is thinking and talking about the BM as well. he has random conversations with the sd about mommy, and how things used to be, and the BM's family, and how is everyone doing, and on and on. she calls, and texts the whole time. she might as well be staying over too. it's like every weekend that we have the sd, it's "BM time." i've even gone so far as to suggest to my bf that i would stay at my parents' house during his weekends with his daughter so that i don't have to put up with "BM time" any more. i don't actually want this to happen because if i am to be the child's stepmother, i want to have as healthy a relationship with her as possible. but i'm starting to think that her mother is going to make that impossible.
all the fights and arguments my bf and i have had throughout our relationship have been over this issue. he tries, he really does...he told her that she is not to call him or text him unless it is very important, and only to do with the kid, but he has tried this before. it will stick for a couple of weeks, then it's right back to the way it always is. i love him, but i'm starting to think i can't handle this. am i being unreasonable? am i blowing things out of proportion or expecting too much? is it something all second wives just deal with? should i just ignore it and deal with it? any advice at all?!?!
Step parenting is not for
Step parenting is not for the weak at heart. You have to have alot of patience and understandment. If you really love him you will try everything you can to make it work. He obviously loves you too but you will never fully understand the bond that a parent and child have until you have your own. He wants to share his life with both of you. So leaving every time she stays with you guys isn't going to solve anything. He had a life before you so getting mad about him talking about that isn't right. The Bm needs to not call him or text him while the sd is with you thats crossing the line. I hope I helped
thank you. you're right it
thank you. you're right it does take A LOT of patience. i know it wont solve anything to leave, i really don't want to but that was just my inability to think of any other solution to the problem. i know he had a life before me, but in our relationship we try not to reminisce that way around each other because it makes us uncomfortable. if i were sitting there going on and on about my ex and our life together in front of him he would be very angry and upset. i only expect the same respect in return. that is the past and there is no need to dwell on it. for either of us. i would just appreciate it if he would try to show me to his daughter in a positive light and if he would put his effort more into getting her used to the idea of his new life than reminding her of the old life.
\Yeah I know the feeling. He
\Yeah I know the feeling. He needs to let his daughter know that you aren't going anywhere and she needs to respect you and your feelings Now before it's too late. I am a 23 yr old step Mom and Bio mom to an 11 8 and 2 (two year old is mine) I have been with their father for five years. His kids push me to the limit each and every day and I still haveno idea what to do. It seems to get worse every year. My man and his ex weren't offically divorced until 2 months before our son was born. So just have patience about the divorce.
whew...god i hope it doesn't
whew...god i hope it doesn't take that long with my man. i'm already about to go insane!
What you said...
"...but i'm starting to think that her mother is going to make that impossible."
It's your BF that's making your situation impossible. You can't change BM. All you can do is insist on boundaries and get your BF on board with enforcing those boundaries. Having a stepchild for weekend visitation does not mean opening your home and your life to an invasion by that child's mother. It's not BM time. It's child/father time. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you need to have some clear boundaries in place to be comfortable participating in these visits, especially if you are going to marry him and become this child's stepmother. You'll never change the BM. You have to get your BF to want to separate his visitation with his child from any involvment with BM. He has the right to enjoy the time with his child without BM's interference, but HE has to be the one to enforce that right.
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ANNE 8102 | GEORGIA
good point
"Having a stepchild for weekend visitation does not mean opening your home and your life to an invasion by that child's mother."
that's a good point. she's not welcome in my home. she's not even welcome down my driveway as far as i'm concerned, and that shouldn't change when her daughter is there whether her presence be physical or not. my bf is a perfectly capable father and she has no reason not to think that the two of us are providing adequate care. she does not need to be checking in every day that we have her. any ideas how i can convey this to my bf without causing another argument? when i've broached the subject before he kind of laughs it off and says "what am i supposed to do about it?" and then when i get obviously angry and upset (usually crying and leaving to go on a walk or something) he'll make a feeble attempt at making it stop.
for example, the latest fight was because she felt it necessary to text him at 2am one night when we DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE SD to remind him of an appointment they had with the lawyer later in the week. it bothered me but i didn't really say anything because it was a legitimate reminder (though since it was so late it was an obvious attempt to start conversation), and then the next night when a man i work with texted me late at night to remind me of something about work and he got furious! he went off asking why some guy had to text me so late and i got really angry and told him this was a double standard, which got us into an argument where i told him how i feel about her constant texting and attempts to start conversation with him which brought out the familiar "what am i supposed to do about it?!" once i cried and he could tell i was really upset, he texted her asking why she texted so late the other night, and told him to not worry about him, he could keep track of his own appointments, and not to call or text unless it was to do with the sd. this was supposed to make me feel better even though we've been through this same cycle many times before. he just said "well she's mad now, she called me an a**hole so maybe she'll stop now."
but that's just the thing. she never stops. and he doesn't know what to do about it and neither do i.
Well
my advice is STOP IT NOW or it will only get worse I totally understand I went thru this when me and my hubby got together except he has full custody but BM calling whenever she pleased and texting NOPE wasn't happening I told him I know she has the right to know whats going on BUT until she proves she wants to be a part of SD's life and not thiers she will not call my house or his cell or he could leave well next day she called asked him how he was so on etc. well he asked if she wanted to talk to SD she said nah so he said fine do not call agin unless it's for her and that was it she did try and that's when I stepped in and answered and told her if she is not calling for SD do not call my house again...Honey it's now or never cause if you dont put your foot down now she will walk all over you TRUT ME....
work it out now
I agree with nelkins work it out NOW!
Ex does not get to have her house and yours too.
Boundries are a must, and there is not easy answer either, if your BF does not put your needs first (before the ex) then he is really not committed to the relationship IMO.
this is not an easy life, the life of a stepparent!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Are we dating the same guy?
I am in a very similar situation. But my BF has his daughter the majority of the time and the BM has her every other weekend. Ours is a long distance relationship so I am not around my BF as much as you are. Which may make my situation better or worse depends on how you see it. Right now he has asked for some time to figure things out with the BM. She is not only controlling but I believe she has lost it. She tells my BF that she only calls him to get ahold of their daughter who is also 4. But upon the suggestion of either getting her her own line and only communicating with his ex via e-mail she has a coniption fit and blows up on him. He is a strong man which I am sure your BF is also but the ex was his first love and the mother of his child so she will always be in your life and his and he will forever keep in touch with her.
I don't have any great answers for you, all I can say is that we are in a very similar boat. I too get the questions from the little girl. All I do is tell her that I am her dad's special friend, and I let him take it from there.
Crazy thing about the BM is that she has blinders on and doesn't believe that we are dating, even though I too have been dating my BF for a year. Which makes my situation more complicated because any word of me sets her off and has her asking him to get back together with her. Really she is a nut.
Hold on to your man, don't leave the house when the girl comes for a visit. She won't get used to you and it will be a drama every time she comes for a visit then. The questions will stop eventually, her wish that they were together probably will never go away. But she will respect you and eventually love you.
I got some great advice the other day. Once the daughter gets older and the BM is still saying bad things about you and the daughter asks you if you did such a thing you say "now I am not going to tell you what to think or believe but we have known each other for so many years, does this sound like something I would do?" or "there is her story, there is my story, and then there is the truth. Because what really happened get's skewed when feelings are involved."
Stay strong and love your BF, because his daughter needs to see a good relationship and if everytime things got tough the woman in his life leaves, his daughter will never grow up really understanding what a good relationship should be. Plus you both deserve happiness. I wish you the best.
"Who responds to a text
"Who responds to a text message at 2AM!!!"
oh hell no. he didn't answer it. if he had this would be another discussion entirely!!! lol. he mostly tells me he doesn't want anything to do with her and he usually ignores her messages and calls unless he expects it and knows what it's about. like i said, it's not really his fault and he's done everything he can think of (and everything that i can think of to make him do lol) to make it stop. i guess she just isn't getting the hint.
you guys are right, i need to stop it right away because if this is the basis our relationship is going to be built on, it's not going to work out in the long run. would you suggest i address the problem with the BM myself? communications between she and i have been bearable in the past- she has texted me asking if i would mind watching the sd when my bf is working a couple times and so on...my point is we are usually civil to each other. should i make a stand myself since she isn't getting the message he's sending?
wow, mwelch it really does sound like we're dating the same guy! you make a very good point that if i leave when she's visiting it's not going to set a very good example. i hadn't really thought about it like that before. she's not going to see that the relationship between her father and i is serious if i'm never around when they're together. she's just going to have to get used to me being there, and that isn't going to happen if i'm not. thank you so much for your advice!
Time, Time ,Time
wow,wow, wow.... I'm am going threw the same thing also, but I married the guy. He was never married to crazy b**ch. My husband and I knew each other before,broke up and he got together with her, had a child,then him and i got back together when my stepson was three months old. Now he is 6 and just started back up the crying on saturday night saying he wants to go home. We get him EVERY weekend. So his momma can got out and party (at 30!) nice. I talked to her today and she said that my stepson was asking her why mommy and daddy werent together,(she pretty much hints stuff around him for him to ask) she said she didnt want to tell him the real reason, aka she thinks i stole her man.. she doesnt work, drive, collects welfare and her and her boyfriend live off the child support. my husband can not be with someone like that and realized it after the very few months they were together.. any who.....
I'm sorry you are going through this and it does suck. But think about the future. if you do get married and have children of your own and then decide you can't take it and want out, then you have your own child to think about and what there going to go through. If you really love him and want to pretty much deal with her the rest of your life then stand by him and let him know that you are there for him and will do whatever it takes to make the both of you happy. If you look at him and all you think about is her and the fights and nothing good, then get out. you will work yourself up every time the weekend comes, when thats supposted to be the best part of the week. hope everything goes well and I hope I didnt write too much.
My husband tries so hard to not talk to her and not to listen to her and makes every attempt to stay away from her. He makes a really good point to me everytime we fight about her. "I married you and I love you" true if he didnt love me he wouldnt be with me. he would be with her. He gets so stressed out. He never calls her back threw the week (unless he is in the hospital) intill friday to set up a pick up time and place. she will call sat and sunday to talk to my stepson and when he tries to hand the phone to my husband he says I'll call her back. then doesnt. When my stepson asked all thouse fun questions I told him "God wanted you to have a bigger family, or some people dont have things in commin. then I will tickle him are do somthing funny to get him off the subject and back onto how much fun I am (hopefully
thanks a lot. you're
thanks a lot. you're absolutely right. i'm just going to give it time because right now there are just a lot of ups and downs. i don't know how it's going to go from one weekend to the next. i guess the only thing i can do is play it by ear and see how it all turns out in a year or so.