i don't know how to respond to SD7's announcement
my fiance and i got engaged 9 months ago and our wedding is in 11 months. i have been with him for 4 years now and because i was close with his family way before he and i dated, due to being best friends with his sister (SD's aunt), i have known SD7 literally her whole life. we are very close. she's a wonderful child, and a precious little girl and i liked her a lot even before i started dating her dad.
anyway SD seems to really REALLY look up to me. half the time she seems more interested in spending time with me than her dad..lol. i mean she follows me around, wants to know what i'm doing when i'm on the computer, wants to watch the same shows i am even though she's not really interested in it, wants me to do her nails, wants me to be the one to help her wash her hair, etc. i have no problem whatsoever with any of this. don't get me wrong, i'm in no way trying to take time away from my fiance or anything like that. generally he's involved in everything she and i do together too, i'm just trying to make the point that SD really loves me and i love her too. every time she calls to talk to her dad she wants to talk to me too. and so on.
naturally, SD is EXTREMELY excited about our wedding. she's ecstatic to be our flower girl, can't stop talking about when we have a baby sibling for her, and all that loveliness. 
and for the past 6 or 7 months or so, once in a while she will bring up the fact that "she can't wait until we're married so she can start calling me mom!!" i was completely taken aback at this announcement. not because it bothers me or makes me uncomfortable. i wouldn't really mind it at all.
my only worries are what BM is going to think about that, and what kind of affect it will end up having on SD if it doesn't go over well. and for that matter, is it CONFUSING to SD or innappropriate to allow her to call me that. her mother is a psycho controlling hag, yes, but she does a decent job at parenting and is very much involved. she has a mother and i'm in no way trying to replace her. i honestly don't think SD sees it that way. i believe to her it's just like "the next step" in the progression of our relationship since my fiance's and my relationship will be changing. the marriage is a step-up, so i guess to her i'm stepping up to a new role of a "mom" of sorts? i'm no child psychologist though, and i just don't want to do anything to make things harder on this kid that i adore in the long run.
so far when she has mentioned this, i kind of just smile and try to change the subject or distract her attention as i don't know quite how to react yet. after BM got remarried we had a little issue of SD referring to the new stepdad as daddy, but she had known this man as a part of her life for less than four months at that time. and also it was by the encouragement of BM that she called him that. my fiance didn't appreciate BM asking SD to refer to the man as daddy at all. and we called BM out on it. that's another concern i have. even though i feel our situations are very different in that i have known SD way longer and that it was HER idea and request to call me mom in the future, i'm afraid since my fiance was not okay with it, BM is going to feel we are being hypocritical if we allow it with myself.
what do you wonderful people think would be the best approach to this confusing situation? i just want to do what's best for SD without stepping on any toes. i'm afraid with how close we have always been, that i would hurt her feelings if i told her not to call me mom. 
i totally understand what
i totally understand what you're saying, and i do have the same opinion of that title being reserved for the one to go through pregnancy and labor. that's why it bothered both my fiance and i so much when we heard daddy coming out of SD's mouth regarding her stepdad. i guess i'm just so honored that she would even consider calling me that. but like i said, she is very close with her BM. a bond i could never hope or want to compare to. so i really don't think SD was coming from an angle of "mom" really meaning MOM...if that makes any sense. i really do think she's just looking at it as me "graduating" in a sense, because as long as fiance and i have been together and as close as SD and i have been the whole time, it has never come up until we got engaged. i think it has everything to do with the wedding. i don't really know how to explain it. i kind of like your idea of a nickname...it just seems like a difficult conversation to have and i'm so scared to hurt her feelings or make her think she did something wrong by wanting to refer to me that way.
SS10 and I have started using
SS10 and I have started using "steppie" from Stepmothering by Pearl Prilik. He likes it because it's a special name he can only use for me(well his brother could if hewanted too, but he's past that age). It's good to have a name that just they can use because it grows the bond, but I like how step mum said it. It makes it clear that you love them, but that you don't ever want to take "mommy" away from BM. Maybe even tell them that it might hurt BM's feelings if they did that. At 7, she should be able to understand that.
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cnd62107 - my SS has called
cnd62107 - my SS has called me mom from the moment we got married - he asked me if could and I said yes - I have allowed him to and so has DH - BM has known about it and even though she can be a real bitch for some reason she has not stopped him from doing it. I feel if the child wants to call you mom then she should be allowed to - at 7 she knows who her mother is and you should feel honored that she wants to call you Mom. Especially if you plan on having any children she will be the odd man out calling you by your name and the rest of the kids calling you mom - it will make her feel bad - it was really helpful when we had DD that SS called me Mom because now they both do. I know some people have a problem with the skids calling SM Mom - but if you don't and DH doesn't then let her. Funny how the BM's that have such a problem with this let their kids calling their husbands Dad!!
Quite frankly in this day and age when kids all over call their friends parents Mom and Dad and everyone seems to have stepparents - I have never seen why it has been such an issue!! Also SS has lived full time with his mom for the last 5 years and he still calls me Mom - now that he is a teenager and so disrespectful I wish he wouldn't but last summer when I told him at 16 if he did not want to call me Mom that he could call me by name he said - No I like calling you Mom you have been a mom to me for the last 7 years - the reason I even brought it up was because he would not call me anything the first 4 days of the visit and then finally he said Mom and I thought oh good a good time to bring up that he does not have to call me Mom but of course he wants to.
And if my DD God forbid we got divorced and DH got re-married again and she got a step mother I may not like her calling someone else Mom but I hope for her sake I would put aside my pettiness and say it is okay for her to call her Mom. To me a mom is someone so much more than just popping a kid out and if you are a "mom" to a child and they want to call you mom then I would let them!!
We have in SO divorce decree
We have in SO divorce decree that no one but the BIO's can be called mom or dad. That is how it should be. My steps call me by my first name. I am fine with that. Some people woudn't be. Find a name that works for her for you. But, not mom. That is not your place. Shut that down now before BM hears it and it sets her off.
As for Stepdad. Your DH should tell BM that she should find a name for him. He is Dad. He needs to shut that down. It is all about respect for the title. No matter what kind of Bio's they have they have one MOM and one DAD.
Just tell her kindly and be firm about it.
from all the replies i'm
from all the replies i'm getting i guess that it just all comes down to personal belief and there's really no right or wrong way, it's just what works for each family. i think i'm just going to make this a conversation between my fiance and i. so far when he has heard SD say she plans to start calling me mom he's just said well no honey you only have one mom. but he hasn't said he really has a problem with it. i think he just wants to be sure she isn't confused either. but like caregiver said, at her age of course she knows who her parents are. i don't really think that is the issue at all. it's her way of expressing the changing family dynamic when we tie the knot. i still don't know if i'm 100% comfortable with it, but i do now realize that it's a personal matter that no matter what we decide, not everyone (including possibly BM) necessarily will or has to agree with. i don't have a problem with it at all, and also like caregiver said, it will just make SD *different* when we have children of our own and i do not want to make her feel that way. she is entirely a part of OUR FAMILY. and to be quite honest, i have never lived my life to please BM and i sure don't plan on starting when we get married.
lol yeah i could go into some
lol yeah i could go into some lengthy detail about the whole stepdad thing!! lets just say BM was desperate, neither of the bf's (including the loser she left my fiance for) she got with after their split worked out because they didn't wanna have kids with her RIGHT AWAY. see she has some cervical problem where she expects to be sterile in a couple years and she's 31. so she finally finds some poor bastard, 30 years old and still living with his mom, obese, never had a gf in his life, who wants to spend all his money trying to impress her- gets pregnant within 3 months, married within four (because her family is so strictly religious that if she didn't get married and play it off like she WASN'T knocked up premaritally then she would have been kicked off their land which she NEVER wants to move away from). and THEN wants to make SD call this idiot daddy so she can have her fantasy of a big happy "normal" family. with my fiance nowhere in sight. she made sure of that by trying to get his visitation taken away. my SD doesn't even LIKE the guy!!! she has told me and her dad more than once she wishes her mom would divorce the dude. craziness!!! i tell ya!
I really wouldn't worry about
I really wouldn't worry about it so much. Just enjoy the fact that she's really wanting to bond with you now, because in a few years it may all change and you will be on here like the rest of us venting about our demented stepkids...LOL.
I am "just" a step-father. I
I am "just" a step-father. I never wanted to be called "Dad," but my SD17's perfect bio-daddy made sure to start a PAS campaign from day one, just so I was clear where I was on the totem pole. If anyone ever asked me about my "daughter" - thinking that SD17 was mine - she would immediately chime in with "he's not my dad, he's just my step-dad." Or "well, my real dad says...." or "my real dad told me such-and-such."
It's not that I wanted to be called "Dad," but it was hurtful to hear her always referring to me as something less than a real parent.
This bothered me for a long time. However, since I have disengaged, I could care less what my SD17 calls me. In fact, I often chime in with "she's not my daughter, she's my step-daughter," because I am embarrased to be associated with her.
My SD8 calls me her "bonus
My SD8 calls me her "bonus mom." I like that. It makes us both giggle and seems to get around the unpleasant "step-mom" title which neither of us like.
Since your SD has a mom, maybe you could introduce "bonus mom" for yourself. Some humor goes a long way. Plus, it would reinforce the idea that you're not replacing her mom, that you're her lucky "bonus."
Hope this helps!
thanks a lot for the idea =)
thanks a lot for the idea
i've been trying to think of something like this...something that can mean mom but in a different kind of way. because that's what a stepmom is to me.
and paul_in_utah- i'm sorry you have that kind of relationship with your sd, but i'm also glad you've come to terms with it and it doesn't bother you so much anymore! i feel lucky that my sd and i are able to have the kind of bond we've had thus far.