Feelings toward SD
I'm no different than most of you --- I can't stand my SD's mother. She isn't really my DH's ex, because they were never married. This child was the result of one drunken night - 13 years ago - 4 years before my DH and I started dating. We've been married 8 years this October.
The BM is obsessed with my DH. She, of course, feels slighted because she got pregnant and my DH didn't even want to date her or ever see her again. She wanted to marry him (although they didn't even know each other!) and still does. My DH, however, did want to be part of the child's life as he felt it was the right thing to do. He paid child support and had weekend visitations.
Over the last 8 years, the BM has become more and more psycho. She is now addicted to Meth, has had no job for over 4 years, has lived with her mother for almost 2 years (BM is 42 years old!), and no longer has physical custody of SD. SD lives with us full-time and only sees her mother every other weekend and 4 hours on Tuesday evenings. BM lost custody a year ago when she dropped SD off at our house for her weekend visit and didn't come back to see her for over 9 months - no phone calls, no letters, nothing. We thought she was dead. We suspect now that she was running drugs in Mexico. SD is very angry with her mother and resents having to go see her. BM is still heavily involved in Meth, but is very good at fooling everyone into believing she is "all better."
My problem/question is this ---- I have grown very attached to my SD, and I have feelings of jealousy toward BM because I want SD to myself. I also have feeling of resentment/anger toward SD because she sometimes acts like her mother (habitually lies for no reason, sneaks around, invites herself to everything going on because she needs to be popular, etc). Do any of you have resentful/angry/jealous feelings toward your step-children? I feel awful about this and I have no one that I can be honest with about this because I don't want those that know me to think I'm a monster. I don't want to share her --- yet she's not really mine in the first place - and her BM continually reminds me - "you'll never be her mom!!"
I'm anxious to hear your thoughts.
T.
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Lets get one thing straight
YOU ARE HER MOM. No-one leaves their kid for 9 months has a right to say, "Your not her Mother". She is her Bio-mom, that's it. You love her, house her, clean her, feed her, protect her..ect. You are her Mother. Please tell me the visitation with her is supervised.
As far as the other behavior, that is sometimes typical of a young teen.
Just my thoughts, I'm sure more will follow.
Wow - your subject line
Wow - your subject line scared the daylights out of me. I thought for sure you were going to tell me that I am indeed a monster for having these negative feelings! Whew - I like what you did say a WHOLE LOT better.
The visitation started out supervised, but now the only "supervised" part is where she sleeps. My SD is only allowed to sleep in that house if grandma is home. If grandma is out of town, she can not spend the night. If mom somehow finds a way to move (like in with a boyfriend) the court paperwork says that SD still sleeps at grandmas. We have had to have some very frank conversations with SD13 about the dangers that she may be exposed to while with her mother (drugs, strange men, being left alone, BM forgetting to pick her up from sports practices, etc). We did so without talking bad about BM, but we felt that she needed to be informed. We have always given her a cell phone and told her to never hesitate to use it to call us for help. I'm always on pins and needles until she comes home each weekend.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Do not cease from doing good - for at the right time we will harvest --- if we do not get tired first! Gal 6:9
Welcome!
Honey, we've ALL been there! Little resentments pop up all the time. Even big resentments. It doesn't mean you are a bad person and it doesn't mean you don't love this child, who is very lucky to have you, by the way. All it means is that you are a very normal mother. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times... giving birth does NOT make you a mother. Being a mother makes you a mother. Jo is 100% correct on that one. The BM saying that you'll never be her mother is a dig designed to get under your skin and she's coming from a place of jealousy, not a place of love for her child. You do everything for this child that a mother does. Are adoptive mothers any less mothers than biological mothers are? Nope! Do you do anything for your son that you don't do for her? Probably not. It's not the conception and the delivery that earns you the title. It's the being there, the worrying, the cooking and cleaning and laundry. It's sitting on pins and needles every weekend visitation until she comes home safe. THAT'S WHAT BEING A MOTHER IS ALL ABOUT. You're so not a monster. You're a mother. You do for your SD just as you do for your BS, right? The only difference is that you're letting the words of an irresponsible, immature, uncaring, unfeeling drug addict define you. Don't do that! Feel sorry for her and her pathetic life, but don't give her another thought. Just keep being the great mom that you are and your SD has every chance at surviving her mother's negative influence and coming out on top. And don't forget to take care of YOU a little, too.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
What really bothers me
You are both absolutely right about the BM - I don't care what she thinks or says. Don't even feel sorry for her, really, because she has been given plenty of chances to change and plenty of people have tried to help her. She likes her poor-me role.
I feel like a monster because sometimes I feel angry/resentful toward my SD. I guess I'm projecting my feeling about the BM onto the SD and I want it to stop! Long ago I made a conscious decision that whatever I would do for my BS, I would also do for my SD (that was back when my SD didn't like me because her mother told her I was evil). Making that decision and following through really helped me to have genuine feelings for my SD - and for my SD to see those efforts and realize that her mother was wrong - I'm not evil. I guess I'm looking for someone else who has trouble separating feeling toward BM and SD and what I can do to overcome.....
I've only been a member of this site 1 day and I feel better about this situation than I have in 8 years!!! thank you all so much.
Do not cease from doing good - for at the right time we will harvest --- if we do not get tired first! Gal 6:9
i feel the same at times...
about my ss's. Sometimes I think if it weren't for them, our or rather my life wouldn't be a living hell due to BM being so hateful and spiteful. But I just have to remember that none of this is their fault or doing and I look at their smiling faces and I realize if I didn't have them in my life, I couldn't even imagine what it would be like. Don't get me wrong, there are certainly times I really wonder what my life would be like if I just had Dh and not his children or his ex. But what can ya do besides love them and show them the right ways of life.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~