The games will never stop
As I suspected. The other day I posted that I'm sorry SD has to be caught in the middle of this mess and I meant it. She slept over on Sunday but BM "needed her back" for NYE so DH got SD again yesterday. We went to a dinner at our friend's house where we had a huge spread and we brought a few dishes also.
On the way home, I said that DH should take SD home because the snow is bad and it was right around the corner. SD made a comment that "BM said after tonight, I'm not going to see you guys for a long time". Of course she did. She can let her stay over multiple times during break then decide she's "not comfortable" with it at some point that's convenient for her again.
Then this morning DH is talking about a lawyer and going back to court blah blah and "BM can just keep SD away". I told him again I'd rather he didn't waste money on a lawyer and to just leave her be and worry about our family that we're going to have 24/7. He then said that's what he is and does worry about but I already know this is making him emotional. All I can do is keep myself separated.
Comments
The hardest part for me now
The hardest part for me now that SS is basically alienated and we never deal with BM, is not getting caught up in DH's anxiety and upset about his situation. I know I can't fix it, it's not my problem, etc, but it's hard to have a stressed out spouse and not want to help or for it just to go away. I try very hard to just stay out of it - when he brings up SS, I will just listen and give advice if it's asked for, but I don't bring it up myself.
I've been surprised at how
I've been surprised at how this whole deal has helped me hold my tongue because that's usually hard for me. My GAF is zero and I don't bring SD up at all unless I'm telling DH that I need notice before he just brings her over when I'm not expecting it. But it does hurt me to see him upset about it. Thankfully he doesn't linger too long but it still annoys me that he thinks he has a chance against BM in court. Who knows what else she'll pull out of her sleeve by the time that happens?
I am trying this, too
... only my DH wants SSalmost19 to move back in.
Ugh!
WHAT stepUltimate
Our obligation when we have kids is to raise them to be adults. His now adult child is an adult.
Nothing wrong with passing a little money to help now and then but...wow.
As much as alienation sucks,
As much as alienation sucks, it beats SS living with us. He would never want to, though, because at BM's he can do as he pleases and at our home, he'd have rules and expectations.
He might have a case in court
He might have a case in court if he asks for more time inCO. At least he could asl for every other weekend. But he can’t argue that BM doesn’t let him see SD if in reality he sees SD more than what CO allows.
Yes. If I were him, I'd go
Yes. If I were him, I'd go in and say, I want more hours than I currently get in the CO, which is less than the norm for most Non-custodial parents. I want Every Other Weekend and a set exchange of holiday time year to year. Then I would stick to that and not let BM have so much power over me with her "now you can see her, now you can't" crap.
Why he doesn't do that, is beyond me.
He thinks he needs to retain
He thinks he needs to retain a lawyer which I'm not paying for. Not a dime.
He probably should get an
He probably should get an attorney because BM will fight it, though she will make herself look bad if she does - so it should be a fairly simple fix. He shouldn't say one word bad about BM, just a modification to increase the hours to whatever the standard is in your state for NCPs.
And if he doesn't want to do that, he should just shut up and accept the status quo.
That's exactly what I told
That's exactly what I told him.
You're right. I don't think I
You're right. I don't think I can handle more than every other weekend though. Now that SD knows DH won't discipline her, she has regressed horribly. Dirty dishes and trash all over her room, an overflowing waste basket in her bathroom (with unwrapped, used pads right on top), empty, unrinsed milk cartons on the counter when she knows they're to be rinsed out and recycled..
You do realize that HE could
You do realize that HE could pay for a lawyer and get more custody with or without your consent?
And that HE can have her over whenever we wants without your consent?
And that HE could get 50/50 without your consent?
This is one of those needs versus wants situations. SD NEEDS her father. You only WANT your husband. That means she may NEED to live with him more frequently even if you don't WANT her to.
Now, I doubt it will ever happen because your DH has zero drive to make anything better with SD. But don't fool yourself into thinking that you can just say "no more SD" and that he'll accept that. You can say it, he can tell you no, and then you have to decide if that is what you want.
And up to this point, you've accepted that this is your life. He isn't going to change his ways, especially now that you've shown him that not only will you stay, but you'll marry him and have his child. You have no bargaining chips.
You're right but I've made it
You're right but I've made it known that I'm not helping with anything related to SD anymore and I think that deters him from thinking 50/50 will ever work again. I don't regret my baby for one minute with him.
It’s just a sad situation for
It’s just a sad situation for everyone and honestly I see major issues with resentment in the future.
Daughter will resent dad for not fighting for her. She will also resent mother for destroying her relationship with dad.
Your child will resent parents for not enabling her to have a decent bond with her sister.
Dad might end up resenting you for not supporting, even emotionally, his relationship with his other daughter.
I can see all of this
I can see all of this happening for sure. It's very sad all around but after 8 years of this, I'm out of emotional energy to give.
Maybe not. He needs her
Maybe not. He needs her steady dependable paycheck if he hires a lawyer and/or pursues court. His shop depends on supply/demand, as with any business,it has it's own leaner times of year. Having lawyers and/or even just having his oldest daughter in the home more requires part of OP's pay check. She still has some "bargaining chips".
Now that he has chosen to add an additional child to his home, he has a additional responsibility on his wallet. All that baby formula and diapers (not to mention daycare for when times OP needs to back to work) isn't free and isn't 100% on the OP. Between his previous obligation of CS and new additional share of another child ,he's supply of cash is even more limited.
CS isn't optional. It's mandatory. Lawyer/court fees are not. Extra food in the home for a teen , gas to run teen around blah blah... all things he will very shortly have less cash for. This all heated up hot and heavy a year ago when her DH was so short on money and wanted to get 50/50 in hopes of relieving CS fees. He managed to get the supposedly 50/50 (not legal, but on the way to setting past practices), but to pull off the ability to do the week on week off he needs the OP's cooperation (he makes more money if he's in shop doing work himself than when his employees take on the jobs). He can't be both home running kid around and working. He can't afford lawyer on his own and continue to pay his routine CS and bills.
Besides, it's only a matter of time before BM an SD fight like cats an dogs again, SD is on phone begging to come to Dad's and BM is on phone demanding Dad see his daughter again.
Op isn't out of 'cards' yet.
This is very true. BM is also
This is very true. BM is also wanting to send SD to a public school for high school because of issues with the new principal and because the tuition comes out of BM's bank account. They found a charter school about 15 miles into the mountain and DH offered to take SD everyday but I can't see BM agreeing to that now and when I go back to work, DH will be with our baby and I definitely don't want him commutingwith the baby everyday, especially because of weather conditions. I told DH to let BM put SD in whatever school she wants and deal with the transportation but that's not up to me.
Let me clarify: she has cards
Let me clarify: she has cards she can pull, but she won't. She hasn't in the past, and she likely won't in the future. And her DH knows that. OP has done everything against her own self preservation even when presented with opportunities to leave (i.e. a job that could pay her enough to go it alone).
While I hope she decides to play the cards she has, I just doubt she will. She doesn't want to.
I don't want to leave my
I don't want to leave my husband, no. I never have. The only issue in our relationship is his baggage. I want him to raise our daughter.
Seams like your DH
Is making, or trying to make, major commitment in his life. If your DH doesn’t work. How is he going to pay for any of this?, wanting to take his DD to school everyday. That means going to BM house and pick up DD ? He is going to take a month old baby out every morning to transport DD. He not going to get DD 100% of the time. He not at 50/50. When kids are older as in school 50/50 is hard unless you live in or close to SD school district.
I think DH needs a real job to occupy his day and mind.
You like being part of the game.
From your posts it really seems like you like being a part of the game. Whether you're a pawn or an active player, who knows. But for having been in a relationship with 8 years with someone, I would hope you would know him better than what he is presenting you?
Your DH should be fighting for his daughter. If you don't want him to do that, you should leave the situation.