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I feel so bad for dh, but it's been sooooo peaceful

Someoneelse's picture

Sd hasn't step foot in our house for over a month again! We went on our anniversary cruise 3 weeks ago, but even before that sd hadn't been here for a week (something "came up"),  and after our cruise DH had hip surgery, and hasn't been able to go pick sd up, and this weekend was supposed to be dh's weekend, but months ago sd asked if she could spend Halloween weekend with BM because she enjoys trick or treating with her brother (DH always lets sd spend Halloween with BM, which i think is very generous of him).

Since her blow up in july, she's only been here 2 times (maybe 3, if I'm not remembering correctly). The last time she was here dd17 was here too, and all she did was pick on dd's friends and boyfriend ("why does his nose look like that", "his forehead iis huge", "eww gross, why does he look like that?") What's funny is DD later tells me, for someone that looks like her, she really shouldn't be taking. (Dd doesn't care what people look like, she's friends with everyone, regardless of appearance, but seriously, SD is picking on peoples appearance, but girl is 300lbs, has a huge pointy chin, always has greasy wet lips, pastie white skin with a giant brown birth mark on the back of her thigh making it look like she doodied herself,  frizzy matted hair and constant break outs in her chin, and "turtle lips". She compared PSAT scores, but for some reason, her score keeps changing (she's only taken 1 psat and everytime she brings it up, it's a different score (to make it higher than dd's), and she conveniently forgets her password to check it when she's here. Then she talks about what rank she is  (her school is MUCH smaller, and her school is ranked much lower. It's considered a "bad" school so of course it's easier to rank higher). SD also talks about how she on the NHS (which she and BM and BM's friend so lied about SD's character traits to get her in). To be part of NHS you character traits of: respect, responsibility, trustworthiness, fairness, and caring. SD is a thief (stole from her school, her mom, and her brother, she doesn't respect anyone, she's a liar, she could care less about anyone BUT herself.  She's literally NOT NHS material. 

DH thinks it's because she looks up to dd, but imo she's EXACTLY like her mother (and according to DH BM'S father is the same way) . They are "one uppers", they are always trying to show you that they are better than you.  When me and DH bought a house, BM bought a new home,  that she got to build (right next to a prison). We got family pictures done in a studio (for like $19.00 we got HUNDREDS of pictures)  BM went and had PROFESSIONAL pictures done for HUNDREDS of dollars. We bought a  Christmas Tree (one that is "fake"and can be used for years)  BM got a real tree, and told us that we should get a "real" tree, that my "fake one"want good enough. I got a new car, BM got a "fancier" car. All these things i could car less about, NONE of it hurts my feelings.  But it makes me hate BM. Why is she so intent on "one upping" me? Now Sd is doing the same to DD... 

 

 

ANYWAY, DH says that at this point if sd wants to come great, if not? He's not going to fight about it, he's done. She's his daughter and he loves her, he's just done stressing himself over someone who doesn't want to be part of this family. In her mind, she's got a family, and it's not us.

 

So yea, i feel bad for dh, but i have a feeling that life is going to be a lot more peaceful from here on out. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, it was sad when my SS PAS'd out at age 15, but after a bit of grieving, even DH recognized that life was much more peaceful without BM and SS's toxic crap in it. 

Someoneelse's picture

I hope that DH can come to peace with it, I couldn't imagine my children teasing everyone with so much hatred. And then deciding we're the toxic ones and saying "well I'm not coming over for a while because you're affecting my emotional health" BM convinced sd that DH never had a bone disease.  That he just broke his hip when he was 12, and that's why he walks with a limp. And has chronic pain for 35 years... i wonder what she says now that DH literally had a hip replacement and the xrays proving how much bone degeneration he had... BM seriously has sd soooooo PAS'd i just wish DH listened to me when sd was younger and it was happening.  He just kept saying,  "sd will see through BM's crap one day" 

tog redux's picture

Well, not to burst his bubble, but my SS is 21 and hasn't yet seen through her crap. But with time, DH has come to accept that he has a kid who is a disappointment, that he will likely never have a meaningful relationship with. 

Even if he did listen to you, PAS is hard to stop.

Miss T's picture

My ex, rest his soul and good riddance, began PAS'ing our kids literally when they were infants, years before we finally divorced. The intent is not to indulge the child but to torment the adult in the triangle, ideally to destroy their relationship. Sadly, it often works.

It is very, very damaging to the child who is used as a weapon. It is, of course, child abuse, and it often leaves the child victims unable to mature enough to see it as such. And while we're bursting bubbles, allow me to mention that not all of the targeted adults recover, either.

My deepest sympathies to anyone suffering from this.

Loxy's picture

I wouldn't cling to that hope. Some kids do end up seeing the truth when they mature but for many the damage is unfortunately permanent. 

My thoughts is that your SD is actually very insecure about the way she looks, hence her need to pick on others and their looks. It's classic bully behaviour. She's obviously a messed up teenager who has been poisened by BM - very sad situation. I'm glad you and DH are getting some peace - enjoy it!

strugglingSM's picture

BM has proudly told DH that once SSs can drive they will only have to come to our house if they want to. Of course, DH told them they didn't have to come if they didn't want to before (when BM told everyone who would listen that it was "traumatic" for them to come to our house) and BM angrily told him, "you can't change the schedule without my permission!"), but who's counting. 

One SS told DH that means he can drop by whenever he wants to and he plans to do that. The other one we won't see at all, but that's because he'll be out with friends.

In my case, Skids are PA'd to the point where they always accuse DH of "lying" over inconsequential things and keep everything that goes on at BM's home a secret, but they still come over because BM wants to get rid of them. 

It's been interesting to watch the PA cycle. Overly dramatic SS used to be in BM's pocket and I'm sure he still believes all the lies she's peddling. He's also still a bit of a sh$t stirrer, generally, but now that school is back in session and he's in high school he's more focused on his friends. Now the other SS - who only has one real friend who goes to a different high school - is now in BM's pocket in terms of her recognizance on what goes on at our home EOWE and using him to tell DH all the things he's doing wrong. Of course, BM has also calmed her drama a bit because she has a new boyfriend (difficult to tell how new since she's only been divorced from former stepdad since April or May, but skids are already calling new boyfriend part of their "immediate family"). I'm sure the drama will return once boyfriend loses his luster.

PetSpoiler's picture

I think my husband feels bad because we don't speak to his son, so by extension, his grandson.  But it's been more peaceful for me since we stopped talking to them.  It's hard for me to feel bad when a source of anxiety has been removed from my life.  

hereiam's picture

He just kept saying,  "sd will see through BM's crap one day"

She may see through it one day, but that doesn't mean that anything will change.

My SD is now 30 and she still acts like DH owes her something, that he was not "there" for her. She knows her mother is a liar and a manipulator but there is still a part of her that believes some of the bullshit fed to her by BM.

My SD was never the annoyance that yours is but not having to deal with BM when SD stopped coming over (at about 16) was awesome. She was always the real problem.

It was sad for DH, even though he always knew it would happen, because that's what happens when you have a kid with such a nasty, hateful woman.

SeeYouNever's picture

It took a while but my DH cane to peace with SD not coming over as much as she was supposed to. It was always a sigh of relief when we dropped her off. Neither he or I felt like we could be ourselves around her for fear BM would have some sort of problem, and it always cost so much money. At one point it got to be that it seemed DH always needed to pay some sort of extra money to see SD, if he refused BM wouldnt let him see her. if he did get her then SD came with her own list of demands for him to buy. It was so transactional.