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I feel so bad for dh, but it's been sooooo peaceful

Someoneelse's picture

Sd hasn't step foot in our house for over a month again! We went on our anniversary cruise 3 weeks ago, but even before that sd hadn't been here for a week (something "came up"),  and after our cruise DH had hip surgery, and hasn't been able to go pick sd up, and this weekend was supposed to be dh's weekend, but months ago sd asked if she could spend Halloween weekend with BM because she enjoys trick or treating with her brother (DH always lets sd spend Halloween with BM, which i think is very generous of him).

Since her blow up in july, she's only been here 2 times (maybe 3, if I'm not remembering correctly). The last time she was here dd17 was here too, and all she did was pick on dd's friends and boyfriend ("why does his nose look like that", "his forehead iis huge", "eww gross, why does he look like that?") What's funny is DD later tells me, for someone that looks like her, she really shouldn't be taking. (Dd doesn't care what people look like, she's friends with everyone, regardless of appearance, but seriously, SD is picking on peoples appearance, but girl is 300lbs, has a huge pointy chin, always has greasy wet lips, pastie white skin with a giant brown birth mark on the back of her thigh making it look like she doodied herself,  frizzy matted hair and constant break outs in her chin, and "turtle lips". She compared PSAT scores, but for some reason, her score keeps changing (she's only taken 1 psat and everytime she brings it up, it's a different score (to make it higher than dd's), and she conveniently forgets her password to check it when she's here. Then she talks about what rank she is  (her school is MUCH smaller, and her school is ranked much lower. It's considered a "bad" school so of course it's easier to rank higher). SD also talks about how she on the NHS (which she and BM and BM's friend so lied about SD's character traits to get her in). To be part of NHS you character traits of: respect, responsibility, trustworthiness, fairness, and caring. SD is a thief (stole from her school, her mom, and her brother, she doesn't respect anyone, she's a liar, she could care less about anyone BUT herself.  She's literally NOT NHS material. 

DH thinks it's because she looks up to dd, but imo she's EXACTLY like her mother (and according to DH BM'S father is the same way) . They are "one uppers", they are always trying to show you that they are better than you.  When me and DH bought a house, BM bought a new home,  that she got to build (right next to a prison). We got family pictures done in a studio (for like $19.00 we got HUNDREDS of pictures)  BM went and had PROFESSIONAL pictures done for HUNDREDS of dollars. We bought a  Christmas Tree (one that is "fake"and can be used for years)  BM got a real tree, and told us that we should get a "real" tree, that my "fake one"want good enough. I got a new car, BM got a "fancier" car. All these things i could car less about, NONE of it hurts my feelings.  But it makes me hate BM. Why is she so intent on "one upping" me? Now Sd is doing the same to DD... 



ANYWAY, DH says that at this point if sd wants to come great, if not? He's not going to fight about it, he's done. She's his daughter and he loves her, he's just done stressing himself over someone who doesn't want to be part of this family. In her mind, she's got a family, and it's not us.


So yea, i feel bad for dh, but i have a feeling that life is going to be a lot more peaceful from here on out. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, it was sad when my SS PAS'd out at age 15, but after a bit of grieving, even DH recognized that life was much more peaceful without BM and SS's toxic crap in it. 

Someoneelse's picture

I hope that DH can come to peace with it, I couldn't imagine my children teasing everyone with so much hatred. And then deciding we're the toxic ones and saying "well I'm not coming over for a while because you're affecting my emotional health" BM convinced sd that DH never had a bone disease.  That he just broke his hip when he was 12, and that's why he walks with a limp. And has chronic pain for 35 years... i wonder what she says now that DH literally had a hip replacement and the xrays proving how much bone degeneration he had... BM seriously has sd soooooo PAS'd i just wish DH listened to me when sd was younger and it was happening.  He just kept saying,  "sd will see through BM's crap one day" 

tog redux's picture

Well, not to burst his bubble, but my SS is 21 and hasn't yet seen through her crap. But with time, DH has come to accept that he has a kid who is a disappointment, that he will likely never have a meaningful relationship with. 

Even if he did listen to you, PAS is hard to stop.

Miss T's picture

My ex, rest his soul and good riddance, began PAS'ing our kids literally when they were infants, years before we finally divorced. The intent is not to indulge the child but to torment the adult in the triangle, ideally to destroy their relationship. Sadly, it often works.

It is very, very damaging to the child who is used as a weapon. It is, of course, child abuse, and it often leaves the child victims unable to mature enough to see it as such. And while we're bursting bubbles, allow me to mention that not all of the targeted adults recover, either.

My deepest sympathies to anyone suffering from this.

Loxy's picture

I wouldn't cling to that hope. Some kids do end up seeing the truth when they mature but for many the damage is unfortunately permanent. 

My thoughts is that your SD is actually very insecure about the way she looks, hence her need to pick on others and their looks. It's classic bully behaviour. She's obviously a messed up teenager who has been poisened by BM - very sad situation. I'm glad you and DH are getting some peace - enjoy it!

stepmomnorth's picture

We too have skids that have been away for more than a month now. Over a month ago my oldest, 16 yo skid had an outburst where he screamed F U in our faces and literally ran away. It was in relation to myself telling him to turn the phone off at 1am for being loud. Same here my partner has felt pretty upset by this all. For me that's the worst part, watching my partner feel that way. As far as myself, I feel more at peace then ever, with them not around and not having to worry about anger issues and drama. Although the thought of them returning, which wouldn't be for a while if ever, is what causes me stress now. 

stepmomnorth's picture

PASd out... I'm assuming this means parental alienation? I hear that term a lot. It's so sad and awful. The kids seem to believe whatever the bio parent feeds to them. In our case,my partner has cancer and the kids don't seem to care. They treat him very poorly. They think dad is the bad guy for whatever dumb reason bio mom has fed. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Parental Alienation Syndrome is no joke. At this point I wouldn't be surprised that if DH were to die that SS17 wouldn't even come to his funeral. He wouldn't care if DH was sick or in the hospital or anything. 

I am so sorry your husband is sick and his kids are treating him that way. It is really sick and twisted. 

Someoneelse's picture

Parental Alienation isn't always effective, but when it is it, it affects the thought/behaviors of the child, and is then known as a syndrome. Parental alienation is child emotional child abuse, but courts/police officers/ lawyers/etc don't always see it as such. There has been children who testified in court that their father sexually assaulted them, but it actually NEVER happened. but through parental alienation, they were brainwashed to believe that it HAD happened.

In my case, BM convinced SD that DH was neglectful and didn't take her to the HOSPITAL for a scratched knee, and that it is HIS fault that she has a scar on her knee.... this TINY scar is about the size of a grain of rice, and in NO WAY needed hospital attention. She insisted that she should have had STITCHES. SD is convinced that she got lice at our house one weekend, when she was THE ONLY ONE FOR MONTHS with it. that ENTIRE summer was considered our "summer of lice" we would treat it, and EVERY SINGLE NIGHT we would spend hours SEARCHING her head (even when she had NOTHING, we searched every single night that she was here) and we searched both DD's hair nightly, and STILL found nothing. but as soon as SD went home, and returned 2 weeks later she was INFESTED!!!!! she had 20 HUGE ONES, and MILLIONS of babies, and MILLIONS of eggs! we lice bombed the ENTIRE HOUSE, we sprayed lice spray ALL OVER ANY fabric furniture, washed ALL bedding/blankets/ stuffed animals, then proceeded to bag up said stuffed animals and stored them in the garage for 2 weeks... this was what we did for ALL 3 girls, REGARDLESS of if we found lice or not. not one time that ENTIRE summer did DDs have 1 lice, but SD brought whole COLONIES into my home, I stuck her in the shower, and because her hair was a thin and white as a ghost I could see her scalp as soon as it got wet, and EVERY time there were no less than 2000 lice in her hair EVERY TIME! her mom even told DH "BULL S#!T, I JUST CHECKED HER" no she didn't... there is NO F#$#ING WAY she looked even a little.... but SD will swear up and down she got it from our house.... THAT is parental alienation syndrom... she was a complete active part in that whole summer, but only remember it the way her mother tells it.

the fact that BM would ask to switch weekends, and then not give DH that weekend she "promised" but SD doesn't remember any of that. she just remembers daddy being mad at mommy for no reason.... when no arguements were ever had in front of her EVER.... she even told DD17 that BM showed her ALL BM and DHs texts between each other, but there's no way she could have, because then she would have seen how AWFUL BM was, how often she lied, how often she went back on her word... I think BM made up FAKE texts and showed them to SD... it disgusting. BM's like this are VILE creatures and create VILE children.

I just wish DH listened to me from the beginning. Now he's literally lost his daughter.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, it's hard to stop.  We tried all kinds of things to help with the alienation and none of it worked. 

LittleCloud9's picture

My SS was headed down the PAS road when he was 12 thanks to BM. Even he now admits that he had started hating his dad by that point because of the crazy things BM told him. He only recovered because BM screwed up royally and lost custody and all visitation rights. It took almost 2 years of therapy and detoxing away from her before he finally settled down. The real insult after that was when he didn't want to see BM after her probation ended she accused us of Alienating him from her. Fortunately the abuse she committed was documented so the judge understood why kiddo didn't want to go back for seconds. 
honestly, I don't know if any child can "see through it" while the toxic lies are constantly bombarding them. It seems to me the only way they can really recover is if they are pulled completely out of the poisonous situation and allowed a chance to get perspective away from the negative parents influence... even then it takes time. It's tragic when a parent's bitterness and hatered are forced into their kids hearts. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Ugh lice!!! SD had lice for 8 months straight! No one else in the family just SD who had it and brought it in. BM insisted she checked her daily. We would do 6 hours of straight lice treatment every weekend just to send her home to come back infested! Dh finally took SD to urgent care for the heavy duty prescribed pesticides and he sent the extra cream home to BM to use on her other kids. Then it finally stopped but it was 8 months of hell.

SD is straight PAS'd out. It is AMAZING! Dh finally got over it and got his closure. There's no EOWE weirdness and drama that SD would bring. We get to do whatever we want without worrying about BM trying to ruin plans. We get to take the family out without SD bringing along her attitude and making everyone miserable. It's just us and our kids who were raised right and know how to behave. Life is so much better without that barn yard explosion.

And the one upping is just annoying! Everything we did, bought, owned was subpar to BM's "fancier" lifestyle. When BM was renting a huge house they could barely afford SD was talking down to us and said " hopefully one day you guys will get there and be able to live like us". That aged like milk because BM lost everything and is broke! I hope your DH can make it to the other side and come to terms with it. It'll get better in time.

Someoneelse's picture

I think what worked was the fact it was IMPOSSIBLE to get the lice comb through her hair, and we literally HAND PICKED every lice and egg out of her hair, but like you said she kept coming back with it, and I was spending hours EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!! I was sleep deprived, exhausted, frustrated, and on the verge of a melt down. her hair was down to her butt, matted, and would re tangle as soon as I passed the comb through it... I cut like 4 or 5 inches off just so that I could get the comb through her hair...

I KNOW that I was wrong for this, and would never do this again, but I was literally having a mental break down from lack of sleep, frustration, exhaustion, and saw it as the only way to fix the issue....


strugglingSM's picture

BM has proudly told DH that once SSs can drive they will only have to come to our house if they want to. Of course, DH told them they didn't have to come if they didn't want to before (when BM told everyone who would listen that it was "traumatic" for them to come to our house) and BM angrily told him, "you can't change the schedule without my permission!"), but who's counting. 

One SS told DH that means he can drop by whenever he wants to and he plans to do that. The other one we won't see at all, but that's because he'll be out with friends.

In my case, Skids are PA'd to the point where they always accuse DH of "lying" over inconsequential things and keep everything that goes on at BM's home a secret, but they still come over because BM wants to get rid of them. 

It's been interesting to watch the PA cycle. Overly dramatic SS used to be in BM's pocket and I'm sure he still believes all the lies she's peddling. He's also still a bit of a sh$t stirrer, generally, but now that school is back in session and he's in high school he's more focused on his friends. Now the other SS - who only has one real friend who goes to a different high school - is now in BM's pocket in terms of her recognizance on what goes on at our home EOWE and using him to tell DH all the things he's doing wrong. Of course, BM has also calmed her drama a bit because she has a new boyfriend (difficult to tell how new since she's only been divorced from former stepdad since April or May, but skids are already calling new boyfriend part of their "immediate family"). I'm sure the drama will return once boyfriend loses his luster.

PetSpoiler's picture

I think my husband feels bad because we don't speak to his son, so by extension, his grandson.  But it's been more peaceful for me since we stopped talking to them.  It's hard for me to feel bad when a source of anxiety has been removed from my life.  

hereiam's picture

He just kept saying,  "sd will see through BM's crap one day"

She may see through it one day, but that doesn't mean that anything will change.

My SD is now 30 and she still acts like DH owes her something, that he was not "there" for her. She knows her mother is a liar and a manipulator but there is still a part of her that believes some of the bullshit fed to her by BM.

My SD was never the annoyance that yours is but not having to deal with BM when SD stopped coming over (at about 16) was awesome. She was always the real problem.

It was sad for DH, even though he always knew it would happen, because that's what happens when you have a kid with such a nasty, hateful woman.

SeeYouNever's picture

It took a while but my DH cane to peace with SD not coming over as much as she was supposed to. It was always a sigh of relief when we dropped her off. Neither he or I felt like we could be ourselves around her for fear BM would have some sort of problem, and it always cost so much money. At one point it got to be that it seemed DH always needed to pay some sort of extra money to see SD, if he refused BM wouldnt let him see her. if he did get her then SD came with her own list of demands for him to buy. It was so transactional.